Days had passed too slowly. Tuesday was a vacuum, a different timeline, a loop, never ending, silent, painful. A singularity. And Youngbin was stuck in it.

He’d thought a lot that afternoon, that evening, but not enough to come to a conclusion. Not that he’d come to any conclusion at all in the past weeks. Simple phrases that’d haunt him for the rest of his life had whispered to him again and again whenever he thought he might be close to figuring things out.

How many times had he done enough mental gymnastics to accept the idea of Alex liking him more than he thought he’d deserve, until Demian reminded him once more that he was so hard to love? How many times had Youngbin tried to replay the memories, the good ones, with Alex in an attempt to allow himself to want these moments back until his mothers voice once more told him how wrong he was?

His thoughts wouldn’t stop racing even after he finally passed out that night, or perhaps the next morning, when they carried into his dreams. When he woke up, he couldn’t remember what exactly it was that had so horrified him, but the feeling of anxiety and fear and so much fucking guilt was not going to leave him for the coming days.

Days that dragged on. Days that felt empty and lifeless and tired, because Youngbin’s mind hadn’t allowed him to sleep much, at least no deep sleep, no restful ones, constantly interrupted by dreams that faded away as soon as he’d woken up. And his mind started to malfunction.

He didn’t remember a single thing at school on Wednesday. Didn’t remember what classes he had, what he talked about with Kaya, if he did at all, didn’t remember what homework he was given, didn’t remember what he’d done the rest of the day aside from dodging his mothers questions regarding his bent glasses and dirty sweater.

On Thursday he was sent home early by Kaya, making him miss theatre class, but it wasn’t like that was a bad thing, with none of the actors taking their job seriously and the teacher slowly sinking into madness watching children on stage make a fool of themselves.

On Friday- What had happened on Friday? He knew that Leia had caught him during lunch break, and she’d given him a pitiful smile, along with her phone number. That was all he could remember. That and the heartache. He’d started to officially call it that, disregarding the words' implications. It was heartache, the pressing feeling against his chest, and the resistance from inside of it. The push and pull, the inescapability of his racing thoughts.

It was heartache. It was terrifying. It was a sickness he’d been carrying the symptoms of for too long, that he was only now willing to diagnose. And the cure- well, what was the cure? To maybe get proper sleep for once to be able to actually think things through with a proper mind. Or to talk to Alex and work it out with him. Or to continue to pretend like he was able to move on sooner or later.

And on Saturday, dark clouds approached Rosebury in a steady pace, cutting the town off from its last bit of fall sun as chilly winds swept through the streets. Not the kind of afternoon to go out to a forest to party with a bunch of strangers. Youngbin was going to do it anyway. As if that would help in any way.

The concealer he’d dabbed underneath his eyes was working hard to cover the dark circles and blemishes that had appeared on his skin, but it was good enough, probably. He didn’t feel like caring tonight. Though he probably should’ve cared, considering the company he’d be in.

Leia had let him know of her arrival, and Youngbin looked at himself in the mirror one last time, gazing at the reflection of someone, though certainly not himself. The real Youngbin would never do something like this.

This being going to a party with a girl he didn't even know. On a Saturday evening. To a forest. Looking like he hadn’t slept in days, which was kind of true. But fake Youngbin decided that there was no use dwelling on this, because the longer he’d think about it, the higher was the chance that he’d simply turn around and stay home.

It’d become a real talent of his recently. To do things quickly in order to do them at all, to act before he could think too hard about it, and he wanted to pretend like this was only causing him problems when really it had made him grow more than he had ever expected. Not yet enough. Not enough to make him less scared and less vulnerable. But it’d certainly done something. Now he just had to continue to act.

Youngbin pulled his jean jacket over his hoodie, lilac, the only one he owned, aside from the one Alex had lent him weeks ago, though he didn’t count that one as actually belonging to him. Then he hopped down the stairs, grasping onto his phone inside his pocket. He stopped in front of the living room door, as he’d done too many times, hesitating to peek in and let his family know that he was about to head off.

His father hadn’t really found any issue with this, was in fact rather happy Youngbin was getting out for once, but his mother had not yet quite gotten used to this, probably because she wasn’t even aware he was leaving half the time.

“I’m, uh, going to head out,” he finally said after a painful ten seconds of waiting. His father nodded, not looking up from his book, yet his mothers gaze shot up to him. “I’m hanging out with a friend.”

“At this time?” She looked at the expensive watch she had around her wrist at literally any point in time, then eyed Youngbin again.

“Yes. I’ll be home later.” He quickly attempted to turn around before anyone could say anything else, but his mother was faster.

“And where exactly are you going? With whom?”

“Just hanging out. With a friend. She’s alright, don’t worry about it.”

“Where, Youngbin?”

“At her place,” Youngbin lied. “See you.”

Without waiting for a response, Youngbin hurried out the door and quickly spotted Leia’s car in the driveway. He got into the backseat, sighed, nodded at Leia as a greeting, then at the girl sitting in the passenger’s seat, Willow.

“Everyone ready?” Leia smiled, started the car. “Oh, Youngbin, this is Willow.”

“We’ve- Kind of met.” Youngbin cleared his throat, attempting to smile at Willow, failing miserably. He really didn’t feel like smiling right now, if anything he was just horribly anxious.

“Right, at Min’s! Didn’t think I’d see you again partying!”

“Me neither.” Youngbin cleared his throat a second time. “Let’s go. Before my mother comes running after me.”

Youngbin felt horribly out of place. With Leia and Willow sitting at the front, chatting and gossiping, strangely colour coded in pastel purple and baby pink respectively, he very much thought that maybe he had infiltrated the Plastics, except that Leia was miles away from being an actual mean girl, as he had learned now- or rather, hoped.

There was still the chance of all of this being a way to humiliate Youngbin or drive him off a cliff or do another horrible thing of choice. But, he had to remind himself, that chance was pretty small. At least that was what he chose to believe.

He stared out the window, clouds keeping up with the car’s pace, an evil omen following them. A warning, perhaps, though Youngbin wasn’t sure for what. A million things that could possibly go wrong tonight were popping into his head, hard to choose just one of them.

“Looks like rain,” Willow sighed, following Youngbin’s gaze into the sky. Leia shrugged.

“And you're made from sugar?”

“I’ve been told so before, actually.”

“You’ll survive. Hot girls don’t get cold.”

“And Youngbin?”

“Honorary hot girl.” Leia shot a glance to the backseat, a surprisingly comforting smile on her glossy pink lips. “Also, I’m pretty sure they set up tents and shit. And I have umbrellas in the car.”

“Who’s hosting a party in the middle of November in the woods, actually?” Youngbin now asked, ignoring the fact that he did count as a hot girl for now.

“Group of private school kids from the town over, Heathwood. There’s that jock school that puts too much funding into sports shit.” Leia rolled her eyes, sighing. “It’s like a yearly thing, they throw parties before their, like, sports game stuff. I don’t know, nor do I care.”

“Lei, come on, you’ve seen the Heathwood basketball team. They’re fine as fuck, you better care about them. Bet they’ll be there too. Maybe someone nice for Youngbin as well-“

“Willow,” Leia groaned. “You’re forgetting something.”

“When I say that the basketball team is hot, I don’t mean your fuckass brother, obviously.”

Youngbin knew Heathwood, had been there a couple of times, coincidentally because someone he knew very well attended that school. From Sohee’s reports, the school wasn’t the worst thing to attend, though she’d reported on annoying older students, guys that took their athletic achievements and weird sports game stuff very seriously. Aforementioned jocks.

“Your brother attends Heathwood?”

“Did, yeah. I mean, he graduated some time ago. Don’t ask why he’s still dwelling here though.” Leia let out another sigh. “It’s not even like he’s bound to a team here. From what I can tell the basketball guys here don’t really take shit seriously anymore either, so he’d be better off going to Heathwood and joining an actual group of people that enjoy that shit. Or going literally anywhere else.”

“So he’s gonna be there? Like here? At the party?”

“Yes, if he found a ride. But he won’t bother you if we stay together, he knows I’ll beat his ass.”

Leia very much hated her brother. That alone made her seem a safe person to be around. That also made him feel a little worse about- Youngbin sighed as he remembered.

The argument at Neverland. It wasn’t an argument, and yet it felt like one, and it’d haunted Youngbin for too long. Not because Alex had said anything wrong, but because Youngbin himself still felt like he’d been in the wrong for ever allowing Demian anywhere close to him. He was in the wrong. He was stupid, he was naive, he was led by emotions he hated feeling.

It’d seemed like such an easy thing, to hate Demian’s guts the moment he walked in, and yet Youngbin hadn’t been able to see the red flags, and had allowed him to speak to him and-

Demian’s influence wasn’t going away. That was the worst part. That no matter how little Youngbin had decided to listen to him, that no matter how many people would assure him that none of his words could ever be taken seriously, Demian was still in there, in Youngbin’s head. Do you realise how hard it is to-

“So,” Youngbin cleared his throat, pretended like his body was relaxing in his seat. He couldn’t let that storm of thoughts come back to range in his head when he was trying so damn hard to just get away from all of that crap. “What exactly does one do at a party? Considering I’ve never really… been to one. Not voluntarily, at least.

“Well, you just kinda… Drink, or like, smoke if you do that sort of stuff, and mingle, I guess.”

“And you can dance,” Willow added with a tad more enthusiasm. “And sing along to the music, and you flirt and get around and make new friends, you know. Have a bit of fun!”

Youngbin wasn’t one to have fun, really.

“And if I don’t drink, and don’t like mingling and dancing?”

“Well, then you can kinda stand around and find one person you’ll gossip with for the rest of the night!” Willow would’ve really gotten along with Kaya.

“If you end up not having fun I can just drop you off at home again, you know. I didn’t mean to force you-“

“No, it’s fine,” Youngbin quickly said. “It’s fine, I’m sure I’ll have… fun!”

The silence was deafening, and both Leia and Willow were convinced now that Youngbin wasn’t going to have fun. At all.

“Y’know, we could play a bit of cupid for you! Scout out some pretty boys for you?” Willow’s voice didn’t sound all that confident. “I have a really good gay compass or whatever you guys call it. All the cute guys I hit up are always gay.” She sighed. “Even Alex.”

“He’s bi, I’m pretty sure,” Leia corrected him.

“Whatever. I sniff out boys who like boys.”

“I’m not sure- I mean, that's kind of you, but I’d rather not- I don’t think I’m very… emotionally available right now.”

“He’s dealing with a case of “I want him back”, is what he’s saying.” Leia’s voice was heavy with pity.

“Oh, girlie, no…” Willow shook her head, sighing dramatically. “I know what that’s like. Don’t be stupid like me, we got back after a single hook up, and like, really, it wasn’t that great. There’s a reason you broke up, babes.”

“And what if that reason was-“ Kind of stupid, is what he wanted to say. Incredibly stupid, even. He couldn’t say it though, because it’d become real then. Clearer. The convoluted shapes in his head would actually form a picture then. He wasn’t ready to see that.

“Youngbin, let’s not think about it, yeah?” Leia pulled into a parking lot, already filled with cars and people making their way into the woods. “We’re having a chill time tonight.”

Once the car doors were opened, a faraway bass already echoed through the forest. The air was cold, and Youngbin pulled up his hood, both to protect himself from the gusts of wind biting at his face, as well as to make himself just a little less recognisable.

Car tracks lead further into the woods, LED torches lighting up the way towards a small clearing packed with people, tents, and smoke rising up from the middle of the crowd.

It was awful, not a place Youngbin wanted to be in, no doubt, but something about the fact that all of this was surrounded by forest, darkness, silent tall trees, maybe it seemed just a little less daunting. Not that he should be running into the forest by himself, but it was certainly an option if things did get too much.

“Have you eaten already?” Leia linked her arm with Youngbin’s, a hopeful smile on her lips. “Their barbecue has gone almost fully vegan since last year. And it’s free.”

“Oh, no-“ Willow linked herself in on Youngbin’s other side. “The sausage last year looked like roasted dick. And tasted like it too. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“I’m-“ He really tried to smile. He really did. “I’m not so hungry, to be honest.”

“Fine, we’ll get some food later. Let’s go look at the bonfire.”

Still out of place, but the kind of out of place where two bird parents raised an egg someone had snuck into their nest. He didn’t quite fit in. Like the egg of a brood parasite laid into a stranger's nest, Youngbin was different in painfully obvious ways, and yet Leia and Willow had attempted their best to raise their strange little fledgeling, despite not being quite sure how exactly to treat him.

They’d looked at the bonfire, huge and probably a safety concern but quite mesmerising, but the crowd around it had only freaked Youngbin out. The two girls had attempted to feed him one of the vegan sausages that were being served, but these did, indeed, taste absolutely godawful, so they moved on to the more promising snack and finger food selection before settling down.

Beach tents had been set up all throughout the clearing, some with tables in it, some with picnic blankets, and the three had been able to snag one a little further away from the biggest crowd. Though it was a little quieter here, it was also much colder. Leia pulled the black faux fur closer to her body as she sat down.

“Honestly,” Willow sighed, handing two glasses of simple fruit juice to Youngbin, then Leia, before sitting down herself and sipping on her drink, though this one alcoholic, “how do they have that much money to set shit like this up? Every year, free of charge?”

“Because people like my step father shove unreasonable amounts of money down Heathwood’s throat to have their little darlings attending.” Leia let herself fall on her back, onto the thin, cold, slightly damp picnic blanket.

Youngbin blinked, slowly. So technically this was also funded by his own mother, who did in fact also shove unreasonable amounts of money down that school's throat to have Sohee attend.

Heathwood Private School of the town of the same name was relatively close to Rosebury, and a surprisingly young and modern school. Its opening was a direct response to Rosebury losing its status as a place for athletes and sports fans, and with it, the economy dwindled. Or at least that’s what one of Kaya’s mothers would always tell him, a former swimmer who’d seen the potential in Rosebury’s many public pools and clubs in the 90s. Nowadays, aforementioned pools had either been filled up with dirt in an attempt to turn them into unused public gardens, or had been abandoned completely, never to be remembered again.

Rosebury certainly was… a place. Suddenly Leia’s idea to move away didn’t seem too bad anymore.

“Imagine if Miller High had that much money. Or like, a fraction of that.” Willow groaned. “Imagine the cool events we could do. Or like, new clubs.”

“We do have a k-pop dance club now,” Leia noted, and Willow shook her head.

“Yeah, with like three people in it. They can’t even cover Aespa with that.”

“I don’t know what that means but sure.”

“I want, like, something cool and artsy, y’know?”

“I mean, go propose your ideas. You’re graduating anyway next summer so there’s no use in complaining.”

“Imagine if we had, like, a theatre club or something though?”

“Willow?” Youngbin now cleared his throat. “We do. We have one.”

Silence, then: “Oh. Since when?”

“Since- Always? There’s a play every year.”

Willow’s mouth stood open as she looked at Youngbin, and he couldn’t be sure if she actually had no idea about this, or if she was just incredibly good at putting on that ditzy persona, but he couldn’t help but be amazed by her.

“And nobody told me.”

“There’s flyers of it all over the school every year.”

“I don’t read those.”

“There were also clips of the last play all over Instagram.”

“Ooh.” Willow frowned. “I thought they were memes from some show. No wonder you looked so familiar to me. Well!” She shrugged, turned her head away from Youngbin to look back at the growing crowd over at the bonfire again. “I’m in the mood to chat someone up. Talk to you two later!”

With her glass balanced in her hand, she stood up and disappeared within the masses. Youngbin watched her until he lost sight of her, then sighed, pulling his legs closer to his body and wrapping his arms around them.

Something about this party looked like a ritual, people moving around a fire as though to call out to some god that Youngbin wasn’t aware of. Maybe they’d sacrifice someone soon. Youngbin imagined it to be him for a second, before remembering that in no way he’d be pure enough for any god to accept him.

Smoke rose into the darkening sky, soon blending in with the deep grey clouds. He heard a distant rumble, though unable to discern whether it was the bass blaring through the woods or an approaching storm.

“Are you still okay?” Leia now asked, a strange shift in her voice now noticeable. Youngbin and Alex certainly weren’t the only ones who were putting on masks around other people. Something in Leia’s presentation had changed as soon as Willow had walked off.

“It’s fine over here.” Youngbin stared into his cup of orange juice, like he was a toddler at the family reunion. It was, in fact, just barely fine. He was cold, he was uncomfortable, he was anxious. But sure, it was just fine over here.

“Honestly, I’ve never really liked parties like this.” Leia swirled her own cup around in her hand. “They bore me. I don’t know a majority of people. Feels safer at Min’s, you know?” She let out a sigh. “I always wish I would’ve, I don’t know, brought a book or something. But I don’t wanna be that girl that reads at parties. We all know the fanfictions.”

He did, actually, know them. But he wouldn't admit that, at least not right now.

“So why do you come here then?”

“Willow wants me to.” Leia shrugged. “And like, I guess I also kind of want to. I always have the hope that maybe something crazy happens this time. Also, I just kind of wanted to invite you somewhere. Like a date, just that you’re gay and I’m-“ She hesitated. “A girl.”

“And I still don’t get why you wanted to invite me somewhere in the first place. Is it pity?”

Leia sighed again, a tired smile flashing on her lips as she stared up against the roof of the beach tent as though it was the night sky.

“I don’t wanna call it pity. I guess I just kinda feel for you. I want to pretend like maybe you went through something similar to me.”

“That being that I went through Alex, I assume.”

“More like, that you lost a friend.”

“To be honest,” Youngbin said, furrowing his brows. “Your relationship with him confuses me.”

“Confuses me as well. At this point I’ve started to believe that I never liked him like that in the first place. But, whatever. Once I’m out of here I’ll never have to think about it again. I’ll find another guy.” Her smile still didn’t look real, nor did it seem like she believed her own words. “Or I’ll just… stick to fictional characters, maybe.”

Maybe that did sound like a good idea.

“What are you hoping to get out of this, though? It’s not like- I have much knowledge to share about, you know, the losing a friend thing.”

“Y’know, I just think we vibe. Is it so hard for you to believe that I just think we could get along?”

“It is, actually.”

“You’re a cool guy, Youngbin.” Leia nudged him in the side with that same sorry facial expression. “I don’t know who or what has made you think that you aren’t, but you’re chill. Sometimes you just wanna get to know people.”

“I’m not really good at getting to know people, to be honest. Or letting people get to know me.” He’d talked about this with Alex before. But Alex still managed to get to know him. Kind of. Maybe he’d even started to know more about Youngbin than Youngbin knew about himself. Which, admittedly, wasn’t a lot in the first place.

“It’s not like that’s a skill, getting to know people.”

“Feels like it, though, because everyone knows how to do it except for me.”

“You seem to be thinking that everyone has a manual for things that you don’t, hm?” Leia sat up, leaning forward. “I don’t think it's like that. It’s not like there are any rules or secrets that people are keeping from you.”

“You’d be surprised how many rules there are, actually. You just don’t realise they’re there because you naturally learned them at some point, somehow. It’s like… a whole thing.”

Leia hummed, seemed to think for a second. “I guess I did learn the rules at some point. I’m a bit of a people watcher. Mom always said I used to copy the way my dad spoke and moved all the time.”

Youngbin chuckled. He’d done the same as a kid with his mother. Funnily enough, his mother had always copied her own mother’s mannerisms. Maybe it was genetic. No, it was most definitely genetic.

“I don’t even really remember what he was like but mom still sometimes points it out.” A soft smile grew on her face, then she exhaled heavily. “She says he liked me more than Demian. Which is a flex, kinda.”

“Is he-“

“Dead, yeah.” Her expression didn’t change, still a lost smile on her face. “I was six. You’d think I would’ve been old enough to remember him at that age, but- I don’t know. Demian was like, what, nine or ten? I’m pretty sure he does remember him better than me but he’s never really wanted to tell me anything about him.”

Youngbin wished that things would’ve made more sense now, that he could explain or excuse or pity Demian a little more now, but really, he couldn’t. It seemed easy to empathise with Leia, and yet there wasn’t an ounce of sympathy for her brother. Did that make him a bad person? Possibly.

“Wow, that was a bummer. Sorry.” Leia stretched her arms out, pulled her coat closer once more. “Sorry for that dead parent talk. Not really a conversation for a party, isn’t it?”

“Don’t worry, I don’t really know the rules for party conversations.”

“Oh, I can teach you! The existential chat usually comes later when you’ve had enough to drink. Small talk comes first, then you catch up on each other's love life, then you join random conversations that other people are having, then you spill your deepest darkest secrets. And then I usually drop the “my dad died from cancer” thing.”

“See, and where did you get all that knowledge from?”

Leia shrugged, taking a sip from her juice before her face twisted and she poured the contents of her cup on the grass. “People watching. I’m gonna get another drink really quick, there was a bug in my juice and I think I need to die now. You wanna come along?”

Youngbin threw a glance back to the crowd, now disappearing in the darkness, seeming to have grown both in size and in roughness, the way they moved and chanted and sang.

“No, thanks. I think I’m- gonna be just fine here.”

Leia now frowned.

“You sure? All alone?”

“Yeah. I’ll be fine.”

He wasn’t really sure if he actually was going to be fine, but a part of him strangely rejected Leia’s protectiveness and worry. She shrugged, stood up and walked right into the crowd of cultists. Perhaps they’d be sacrificing her if she didn't watch out.

It’d become dark around Youngbin already, though the beach tents were decorated with dim camping lights dangling from their ceilings. It would’ve looked quite pretty, little shelters scattered across the forest clearing, illuminated just enough to make out whether or not people were sitting underneath them, some flickering, some getting turned off as the evening had progressed. And in the distance, the fire, like a beacon.

The forest around him was pitch black now, and so was the sky, if it weren’t for the complete lack of stars, Youngbin would’ve been unable to even know that it was cloudy. Maybe this place would’ve been nicer on a summer night. Maybe this party would’ve been more enjoyable if Youngbin didn’t feel like he was freezing to death tonight.

Leia had been right, this was the perfect place to sit down with a good book. Or maybe it was a good place for a date. Youngbin huffed at that thought. As if he knew anything about dates. He wasn’t sure why he had that though.

No, he was sure. Obviously. There was no time to think about it now, though.

When was the right time to think about it, actually? To properly think about it, to talk about it, to confront it? Youngbin had been eaten alive by chaotic thoughts he refused to organise, analyse, just acknowledge. All he’d been doing was to either run away or let himself be torn apart, but never once had he stood there and looked his feelings in the eye and actually allowed himself to be in-

And he still couldn’t do it.

Maybe when Leia was back. Maybe she could help him untangle his thoughts, half of which she’d already laid bare for him so casually. But for now, he’d continue to run.

He stared into the void around him, watching shadows subtly move. The wind had picked up strength, the tent’s four support beams dangerously shaking. Distant thunder, and this time he was sure that it was thunder, still rumbled somewhere, though he wasn’t quite sure if it had come any closer just yet. The forest didn’t seem like the nicest place to be in during a storm, but Youngbin’s mind hadn’t yet rang the alarm bells, too occupied with silhouettes walking back and forth from the tents to the fire.

His eyes now followed a particularly large one, that stopped in its tracks, then came closer. Was it Leia? No, she was much shorter, and he couldn't spot her coat billowing after her either. Youngbin blinked a couple of times as though that would help his eyes adjust to the darkness.

The shadow was coming closer, right? It was. It was. It shouldn’t.

“Bin!” No. No, no, not now, not him. Youngbin flinched as soon as a deep voice reached his ears. The storm hadn’t scared him so far, but he made his heart race. “You’re here?”

“Leave me alone.”

Demian had come close enough for his features to be illuminated ever so slightly by the small camping light. His eyes seemed as though they'd begun to glow in the dark, gleam as he had spotted his prey. And prey he was. Youngbin stood up instantly, backing away.

“What? You’re not up for a little chat?” He smiled. Youngbin wasn’t sure how he could’ve ever found that smile attractive. “I thought we could, you know, start from the beginning. Now that you’re… well, up for grabs again.”

Up for grabs.

Youngbin felt as though he was going to throw up. His fingers, slowly, turned numb, and a familiar hand, invisible yet undefeatable, laid itself upon his chest, closely pushing him back.

“Go away.”

“Come on, give me a chance, I know you-“

Too close. The hand turned Youngbin around, and pushed him into the woods, leading him as far away as it could.

Fire had always looked so inviting to Alex. A call to reach out and put his hand in. A strange kind of home. Alex surely could’ve philosophised about it more, if only he’d been drunk.

Surprisingly, he wasn’t. He didn’t want to be, and even if he did want to, Margo and Lani would’ve killed him if a single drop of alcohol somehow came in contact with his mouth. Or any other part of him.

It kind of felt like a strange kind of rehab. But like, weird. And surprisingly easy. He didn’t feel like drinking, or doing any other kind of drug for that matter, not at all. Maybe because he still felt miserable, and the knowledge that alcohol did in fact make him more miserable actually stuck with him this time.

So, really, he didn’t even want to be drunk.

However, it was really fucking useless to go to a party without getting drunk. Lani and Margo had dragged him here regardless, like a fun family trip that only the parents enjoyed. Going to the jock bonfire party had been step one in the “spending quality time with Alex” plan.

It sucked. The fruit juice sucked, the vegan sausage tasted like roasted dick, he knew absolutely nobody here and didn’t want to know anybody either. He just kind of stood there at the fire and stared into it.

Lani did the same. She also did in fact not know what to do at a party without alcohol. Margo, that absolute asshole, smoked her stupid weed regardless, and didn’t even share any of it.

“The music sucks,” Lani noted, staring at the crowd of people clumsily moving to whatever the fuck was being blasted from the speakers right now.

“Have you ever heard your kind of music being played anywhere?”

“There’s a gay club in Bellworth that has a quarterly goth night, actually.”

“Since when does Bellworth have a gay club?”

“Early 90s, I think.” Lani blinked, kind of like a cat, as she stared into the fire. “Bellworth has a very interesting queer history. It was a surprisingly progressive city, especially during-“

“Tell me about that another time.” Alex sighed, letting his head fall back. His neck hurt. Was that a surprise?

He looked up into the sky, but the stars had abandoned him tonight, hiding behind thick clouds that were about to burst into bitter tears any second now. He wondered if the organisers of this event were aware of the fact that it was supposed to storm tonight, and if yes, how many people would be insane enough and stay while simultaneously getting a bladder infection or something.

Would he stay? Might actually make the night more interesting. And give him a reason to skip school for even longer, since Lani wasn’t taking “I really don’t wanna” as an excuse anymore and had threatened to drag him back herself if he didn’t attend at least a single politics class next week.

The fire crackled louder than the person calling his name. People had in fact called for him a couple of times tonight, and he hadn't answered a single time. Alex didn't feel like giving interviews, to be honest. He'd already seen the stupid videos people had shared of him falling into the pool. There wasn't much to comment on, as much as people wanted him to. At least that's what he assumed they wanted. It's not like he'd done much else to warrant talking to him.

"Alex!"

The fire was in fact unable to drown out the voice calling out for him. He didn't want to talk. Really. Especially not to her.

"Alex- Have you seen Youngbin?"

Maybe against his will, Alex spun around to face Leia.

"Wh- Why would I-"

"He's gone, I just wanted to-"

"What do you mean, he's gone, the fuck are you talking about?" Alex furrowed his brows, looking for some kind of sense in Leia's eyes, instead was only met with panic.

"He's-" She took a deep breath, then looked at Margo and Lani, pleading. "You have to help me find him."

He's not my business, Alex was supposed to say. Not that he actually wanted to say that.

"And where is he supposed to be?" Lani was just as uncertain as Alex, crossing her arms.

"He might've- I don't know. Maybe he went into the woods, but-"

"Are we talking about Youngbin, like Youngbin Youngbin? The guy? And not some dog you coincidentally named the same?"

Leia let out a frustrated groan, and maybe now confusion had made space for worry in Alex' chest. Something was up, obviously, and Alex had no idea what the fuck it was and how it had happened. He'd skipped multiple chapters, yet still arrived at the same ending.

"Listen, there's a storm coming and Youngbin's somewhere alone in the dark, in a forest, with Heathwood jocks and my brother roaming free. Just-" Leia stared directly into Alex' eyes now, and he'd never been brave enough to defy her will when she did that. "Help me look for him."

Alex wanted to hesitate, yet a rush of whatever shot through his body before he could even pretend to not care.

"Whatever, fine."

"Can you two look for him around here? Maybe I just lost him in the crowd." Margo and Lani nodded, though with hesitation and obvious confusion. "We'll go look into the woods."

"Alex?" Something knowing gleamed in Margo's eyes. Alex hated that. "Good luck."

He didn't answer when Leia had already begun dragging him through the masses of people.

Youngbin didn't see what was in front of him, nor did he see what was behind him, just heard it. Demian's voice echoed through the woods, along with his footsteps following him.

He'd taken flight like some kind of animal, an invisible force had pushed him further into the darkness as though that could give him any safety from Demian relentlessness. As if the dark could ever protect him.

The ground was uneven, the lights of the party had disappeared, and he was lost in a maze with a minotaur chasing him. Every step was a hazard, and yet Youngbin couldn't stop running in fear that Demian would catch up. The cold air stung in his lungs, his face had become numb, his hands were shaking.

What an idiot. What an absolute idiot to let himself be chased into the fucking woods. This wasn't real, no way any of this was real. He couldn't possibly be that stupid. Oh, but he was. He really should've just accepted that by now. That his body frequently did things he wished it didn't. That he acted without sense or free will. That he'd involuntarily be stupid in every situation that scared him.

"Youngbin, I just want to talk to you."

So he'd stop that now. This time he was going to choose to be stupid instead of letting it happen without his permission. This time he chose to stop running, and spin around.

It was dark. Pitch black. Demian was right in front of him.

"Youngbin, please."

"What do you want from me?"

He disregarded the fact that his body was becoming numb with fear. He had to spend too much energy on keeping his voice calm.

"I want to talk."

"And what is there to talk about?"

Demian didn't say anything for a few seconds, and Youngbin wasn't sure if maybe he'd turned into thin air right in front of him.

"I want to talk about you."

"And what," Youngbin repeated firmly, "is there to talk about?"

"I want you to give me a chance." Demian's voice sounded softer than usually, gentler, more careful. No longer like he tried to conquer Youngbin, but like he wanted to apologise. He didn't. Youngbin knew that. And he'd decided to no longer be the kind of person to fall for this. "Look at you, I can- I can tell you're heartbroken."

Youngbin couldn't argue against him. He wanted to, but didn't know what he was supposed to say.

"Look at Alex, look at how fucked up he's been. Look at you. This has all been such a mess, and I just hate to say it, but I knew this was going to happen. I was warning you all along."

"You... don't know anything about Alex, or about me." Youngbin stared into the dark, at where he assumed Demian's shadow to be. Raindrops began hitting the forest ground, thick and heavy and cold, like bullets hailing from the sky.

"I don't understand why you're still not listening to me, Youngbin. When I just... I want you to be happy. I'd been telling you all this time, I tried to warn you, I tried to protect you-"

"And what makes you believe that I need to be protected?" He raised his voice, fighting against the sound of rain hitting the leaves. "Why the fuck is that any of your business?"

He chose his own words carefully, none of them tumbling out of his mouth as they usually did. It was enough now. Enough losing control. He was alive. He was aware. He wasn't going to let anything control him now.

"We were here." Leia shone her phone flashlight towards one of the beach tents, a picnic blanket with a spilled cup of juice underneath it. Her hands were shaking ever so slightly, the cone of light vibrating. "So maybe he did go this way into the woods."

"Leia, are you going to give me any context on what's going on?"

"Youngbin's gone, how much more context do you need?”

"Maybe, I don't know, why the fuck was he here in the first place?" Alex of course did not waste a single second, walking into the forest with his own flashlight equipped, but yet he felt as though he had every right to question Leia, and hate every moment of this.

"Jesus, because I invited him here. We were hanging out. What else do you need to know?"

"Why were you hanging out with my- ex at a party?"

"I quite literally always hang out with your ex."

"With Willow, yeah, but Youngbin-"

"Does it matter?" Now Leia stopped, turned around to face Alex, and blinded him in the process with her flashlight. "The point is that Youngbin might've ran into the fucking woods in the middle of the fucking night at temperatures like this. Why the fuck do you want me to justify my decision to befriend someone?"

Alex froze, then every cell of his body urged him to move.

"Whatever, sorry." He bit down on his lip as the ground beneath him became softer and more uneven, shining the light through branches, catching the first drops of rain that made it through the thicket. She was right. Leia had never been so right.

“I like you, Youngbin, if that wasn't clear enough yet."

"You don't! You don't even know me! I've told you, again and again, you do not. Fucking. Know. Me."

Youngbin's eyes had finally adapted to the dark, just the smallest bit, but enough for him to finally be able to make out vague shapes on Demian's face. He'd lost none of the smugness, that confidence just yet. Demian believed every single word he was saying. Youngbin had never felt more of an urge to punch that smirk out of his face than now.

"You're an open book, really. You're so- It's easy to tell what you're like. That inner peace you carry with you, that gentleness, that love, you carry it outwards. It's like I can tell just by your aura. You're fragile, you're breakable, but you always put yourself back together. I can see your scars, I can see that you're still whole despite them all. Youngbin, please, you've been shattered enough. Let me take care of the pieces. Let me give you that calm that you carry with you at all t-"

"You need to shut the fuck up right now. Who do you think you're talking to?" Youngbin inhaled, and it'd been a while since he had felt this inside his chest. This. Fire. Or maybe a flood. Whatever it was, it hurt, it expanded rapidly, and Youngbin was fully willing to let it out.

His life had consisted of not letting it out, of pushing it down, of feeling guilty for it even daring to exist within him. He'd been told how many times that he wasn't allowed to feel like this? Had been scolded how many times? Had been called fragile and delicate and all that stupid shit? Had been taught to agree and nod and keep his damn mouth shut?

Eighteen years of anger were on the verge of bursting from his body.

Alex called Youngbin's name through the rain, the wind, the thunder. The storm had drowned out whatever was still left of the party as well as his and Leia's voices.

"Are you sure he's here?"

Leia didn't answer. Her eyes were as empty as they could be, cold, perhaps guilt ridden. Alex sighed.

"I mean, even if he isn't," he tried to comfort her, as well as himself, "I do have GPS here so we'll find out of here sooner or later."

"And if he is here?"

"Well, then we'll find him. Obviously." Alex exhaled, held his phone a little higher as if that would make it any easier to see anything. "How hard can that be?"

"Alex, you're annoying the shit out of me." Leia's voice was tense, but when was it not?

"Oh? And what did I do wrong now?"

"You- Can you stop being so calm about this? You sound like you don't even fucking care about any-"

"Calm?" Alex let out a laugh, more out of frustration, maybe fear. "You think I'm calm? I'm trying to- not shit my fucking pants right now, that's what I am. Do you even realise how much I care about this shit?"

"I do, that's the thing, I wish you'd stop pretending to be the cool tough guy for a second! God, fucking damn it!" Leia interrupted her rant to call out to Youngbin once more, her voice louder and more piercing than Alex had ever heard before. "I know that you care, so can you just let it out for once? Seeing both of you eat up your stupid feelings the entire time is going to drive me insane."

"Both of us? The fuck's got Youngbin to do with that now?"

Leia let out something like a scream, something that'd probably slumbered in her throat for way too long.

"You're such a dense motherfucker, god fucking- Just keep looking, talk to him about y'alls feelings once we found him."

"No, Leia, what do you mean?" Alex didn't want to sound as urgent, as desperate as he did.

"I just want both of you to admit that you're not over each other, but you're both- Like, you pretend that you're so done with him, he pretends like he doesn't regret every decision he's ever made in his life-"

"Did he- What do you mean?"

"He wants you back, you dumb fucking asshole."

"Did he-" Alex choked on his own words, something banging against his chest from the inside of his body. "Did he say that?"

"He didn't, that's the point- Whatever, just keep looking, don't waste our time on this."

"You brought it up! What makes you think that he wants-"

"Alex, mouth closed and eyes open."

The cold couldn't reach Youngbin anymore. His body, in its entirety, was seething, burning, had become unable to move a single bit or else it'd explode.

"You don't know shit about me. You don't give a shit about me, Demian, stop pretending like I am anything but a tool to make you feel better. I don't need you to take my pieces, I don't need you to take care of me, I don't need you to protect me, I don't need you to warn me, I need you to go fuck yourself and leave me alone."

Demian didn't say a word, and Youngbin thought that he could hear a distant scream through the storm for a single second. Then, Demian tensed up, took a deep breath.

"I'm truly sorry. I really, really do pity you. You are... wonderful, Youngbin. You're such a- God, what did Alex do to you? What did he do to my Leia? And now what did he do to you, how did he make you so-"

"Did you listen to a single word I just said?"

"No, Youngbin, you listen to me. Look at how dirty Alex has ma-"

"No! No, I don't think i fucking will! I don't think I'm going to waste a single fucking second listening to you and the bullshit you spew at me. I'm so fucking sick. Go find someone else to fuck, Demian, but not me, I'm not as stupid as you want me to be, okay? I don't want you, or anyone, to ever pretend like I'm some helpless little damsel in distress. Cause that's what you think I am, a little dolly for you to play with to make yourself feel better. Go fuck yourself."

"Youngbin." Demian tilted his head, some muscles in his face pretending to twist into something sad.

"And don't you fucking pretend like Alex is the cause of all evil. Don't try telling me how bad he is. I don't give a shit, I don't know what happened between you, and I really do not care, I really, really do not give a shit."

“Why are you making it so hard for yourself? Why do you cling onto someone like that so desperately?”

“I cling to him? And what about you? You can’t keep him out of your mouth, you cannot stop talking about him, everything’s always about Alex, do you like me, do you actually like me, do you care about me, about Leia, or are you just utterly obsessed with Alex and everything he touches?”

Youngbin exhaled, like he was running out of breath. He was shaking, his legs were beginning to tremble, making it hard to support himself. Demian frowned, shook his head, and Youngbin wanted to bite it off and tear him apart.

“I know what he’s done to-”

“And what has he done? Name a single thing he’s done to me, go on.”

“He-” Demian took a step closer towards Youngbin, and he felt his presence, perhaps that was that aura bullshit Demian had talked about all this time. It smelled of pretentiousness, of danger, of rotten strawberries. “Just… Look how he’s been poisoning your mind.”

“If there’s anyone that poisoned my mind-” Youngbin looked up, his face too close to Demian’s now, yet his voice raised as though he was miles away. “It’s you! It’s you, but your stupid sweet talk is not working on me anymore, I’m not as fucking stupid as you though I was, and I’m not going to listen to a single damn thing you try to tell me. Say whatever the fuck you want, Demian, I don’t care, go choke on it.”

"Youngbin, please, just give me-"

Every time Demian said his name, a choir of angels far away called him as well, like a desperate harmony, a strange gospel, announcing the end of times through the storm.

"If you like me so much, then why won't you do what I tell you? Why won't you leave me alone?"

"Because I don't think that's what you really want-"

A hand extended towards Youngbin's face. Cold fingers touched his scorching skin attempting to caress his cheek. At last, a seal broke, and something escaped.

"DON'T FUCKING TOUCH ME-"

His voice was shrill, a thunder echoing through the darkness, and a lightning followed as Youngbin's hand twitched up, this time without his control, but certainly with his permission, his fist landing in Demian's face with a strength he didn’t know he possessed.

He stumbled back as he cursed, and pain rushed through Youngbin's fingers to his hand, his arm, and his entire body followed.

"You don't have the fucking right to touch me, to be near me ever again, you disgusting fucking bastard, you-"

Youngbin inhaled, held his breath for what felt like an eternity, and only released it again when a white light shone directly at him, blinding him. Then, a quiet whisper among the storm.

"Bin?" Alex. "Are you- okay?"

Kerning

Chapter 34 - you're on your own (WHEN IT RAINS AND POURS)

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