“What the fuck is wrong with you-“

Alex.

“For fucks sake, Demian, what the fuck is your problem, Jesus fucking Christ-“

Alex.

“I didn’t do anything, Leia, he punched-“

Alex stared at him.

“You didn’t do anything? Come on, stop fucking around, Jesus, I’m going to beat your goddamn ass when we’re out of here.”

Alex didn’t move. His eyes laid on Youngbin, on him alone, and he didn’t move.

“I’m just trying to-“

“I don’t give a shit. You’re an absolute fucking creep, you know that? Following someone into the woods, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Leia, listen to me-“

Alex opened his mouth, inhaled, held his breath, hesitated.

“Bin-“ His voice was clear and loud and the only thing Youngbin could hear. “Let’s go?”

Youngbin nodded, and started walking, into the direction he at least believed to have come from. Alex followed, then Demian, then:

“You’re not running after them now, you fucker, you stay here and wait with me, I am not letting you run behind them like a lost dog, you absolute fucking creep, you-“

Leia’s voice faded, drowned out by the rain, a deafening sound filling Youngbin’s ears. The world around him had become isolated and alone, never ending, a dark, cold void of trees and rain and branches and only a cone of light of Alex’ flash to guide him. Every bit of heat had left his body at once, now leaving nothing but a freezing shell.

Alex stayed silent. Perhaps he’d been too focused on finding the way back, perhaps he didn’t have much to say. Maybe his drunken words of not giving a shit had been true after all, though the pain in his eyes said differently.

Youngbin had joined in Alex’ silence, though it wasn’t much of an active decision. Even if he had wanted to say something, he couldn’t have. His mouth was shut, and felt as though it never could open again, his voice had been taken, and frankly, there would’ve been nothing to say. Youngbin didn’t have the energy to talk. To think, even.

For the first time in weeks, it was silent. Empty. Not a thought raging in his head, no pain, no ache, no pressure, no anxiety, no numbness. Not fear, not guilt, not love. There was just Youngbin’s cold body, and the rain, the forest, and Alex, as if he’d never been gone.

Barely aware, awake, his legs shaking and weak, carried him through the woods, and soon enough, trees were beginning to clear.

The party was still going, naturally, and the large fire was fighting for its life in the middle of the clearing, some people still surrounding it, though many had either fled underneath the tents or already left. Music had become quieter, so had the chatter and the singing and the yelling.

The two approached the fire, and only when Youngbin began feeling its heat, he realised how cold he really was.

“Found him?” someone called out, and Alex turned to face Margo and Lani, both huddled together underneath one umbrella. Margo scanned the pair, frowning. “Jesus. Get the poor guy home. Where’d you leave Leia?”

“She’s-“ Alex cleared his throat. “Dealing with Demian.”

Both Margo’s and Lani’s faces dropped in an instant as they heard the name, and so must have Youngbin’s. Lani’s hand disappeared in the pockets of her coat, then fished out her car keys that she held underneath Alex’ nose.

“You two get out of here.”

“But-“ Alex hesitated, then took the keys, slowly. “How are you two getting home, then?”

“We’ll find a ride, we’re not leaving anytime soon anyways.” Lani patted Alex’ shoulders, then gave a smile to Youngbin. “Go, you’re gonna get literally every disease staying out here in the rain.”

Alex looked at the keys in his hands, then at Youngbin, as though he was awaiting a response. He wasn’t going to get one, and seemed to be able to tell, so he turned around and walked through the rain towards the exit path to the parking lot, and Youngbin followed without question.

Of course he’d follow. There was nothing else Youngbin had ever done, had ever perceived to be this natural, to follow Alex. Without a word, without stopping, and Alex didn’t turn around, knowing fully well that Youngbin was coming with him. Or maybe he only hoped, maybe didn’t dare to turn around in fear of that being the moment that Youngbin would disappear.

The parking lot had become significantly emptier. Leia’s car was still right there, and a couple of spaces over, there was Lani’s, in its old glory, smaller and dirtier and much more familiar. Only after unlocking it, Alex turned around.

“Guess I’ll- get you back home.”

Youngbin shook his head, movement out of his control. Maybe now fear had surfaced within him once again, ripping his body out of its emotionless sleep. He didn’t want to imagine his mothers reaction to him coming home soaked, scared, silent, weak. He couldn’t face her. Couldn’t face anyone, not Sohee, nor his father, or the ghosts in his room that had been judging his every step for the past eighteen years.

“I’ll- Okay.” Alex pressed his lips together. He understood. And Youngbin understood the change of plan. “Then we’ll- Yeah. Okay.”

Youngbin got into the car, finally sheltered from the rain, and he exhaled. His body was shaking, clothing, cold and wet, sticking to his body, as did his hair. Water dripped from his nose, and he pushed strands of his hair back with his hand, a stinging pain instantly rushing through it.

He could barely move his fingers, unsure if that was the colds fault or- He pulled the sleeves of his jacket over his knuckles. No time to think about that. Not now.

Alex got into the car next to him, though wouldn’t look at him. He sighed, started the car, opened his mouth ready to say something, just to close it again wordlessly, and pulled out of the parking lot.

The familiarity was- painful. Youngbin sat next to Alex again, in Lani’s car, and none of this felt real. Youngbin somehow still felt himself yearning for the present, for something that was happening right now. Maybe he wanted it to happen under different circumstances, or in a different mood, but, so much was clear, he wanted it.

It was clear. Seemed logical, not like something he ever should’ve questioned, he wanted Alex back. To what extent, well, it wasn’t- quite as clear, still wasn’t. But maybe he would understand. He most certainly was in the process of understanding.

He looked at Alex, eyes tired and sad, focused on the road, the dim shine of streetlights lining his face, reflecting on the pearls of rain on his skin. It seemed quite easy to understand right now, actually. In the middle of the void within Youngbin’s body lay an emotion, an answer, to every single one of Youngbin’s questions.

He looked away, back onto the street. He was going to understand. He did right now.

Youngbin had been at Alex’ apartment once before. Twice, actually but he hadn’t seen much of it the second time around. The place was small and crammed and very uniquely Alex. So strangely comfortable. Alex unlocked the door, still dripping water, and now finally, for the first time since they’d gotten into the car, said something.

“It’s kind of a mess in there. We’re still kinda in the process of, like… cleaning it up.” He cleared his throat, hesitantly pushed the door open, and let Youngbin in.

It was a mess. But there certainly was a process. The large sofa was blocked by baskets of washed laundry, some folded, others not yet sorted, a broom still resting against the wall ready to be picked up again at any time, a trash bag waiting to be taken downstairs next to the door. It was a place healing from damage, and Youngbin could only hope that it reflected Alex’ mental state in that regard.

“I’m gonna go grab, uhm, towels or something, you can just… I don’t know. Maybe sit down somewhere. In my room. If you want. Or not. Just, like, rest. Maybe.”

Youngbin just nodded, leading himself into Alex’ bedroom. A tiny room, really, but Youngbin had always admired the personality of. It screamed its owner’s name with all the polaroids and posters on the wall, stickers on the wardrobe door, record player on the shelf next to vinyls of Alex’ favourite band.

This was him, and Youngbin wanted to soak it up. His legs gave in and he let himself fall onto the bed, hands brushing over the sheets, the blanket, feeling softness underneath his freezing fingers.

Youngbin was warming up, thawing. Everything did, his body, his mind, the turmoil in his chest, it slowly came back, waking from its sleep. He closed his eyes. Inhaled. Exhaled. Felt the bed underneath him, took it in, reminded himself of where he was.

And so the ice was gone. Youngbin was awake. This was happening. Alex walked back in, holding out a towel. It was scratchy and stiff and Youngbin took it and melted into it.

He sank his face into the fabric, catching the water still running down his forehead and dripping off his nose, then took it up to his hair. His clothes were still soaked but what would a single towel do about that?

“So- are you feeling okay?” Alex' voice didn’t even seem to break the silence. Even when he spoke, the room was just as quiet as it had been before. “I mean- Is everything alright?”

Youngbin bit his lower lip, trying to think of anything to say, and whether yes or no was the right answer right now. Nothing was alright, wasn’t it? Youngbin was weak and cold and soaking and his body hurt and his best friend that wasn’t his best friend anymore stood in front of him while things between them were still unsolved and chaotic and broken.

But, really, things were fine, because Alex stood in front of him while the storm in Youngbin’s chest had subsided. This was all he needed. This could’ve been the one moment to fix things. Youngbin wasn’t going to let that slip through his fingers again.

“If you don’t want me around, I can-“

“I’m sorry.” The words tumbled out of Youngbin’s mouth as though they had just broken a barrier, a dam, with the water now beginning to flow. “I’m so so sorry for messing everything up, I- My brain’s just everywhere but never in the right spot and I never understand what the hell is going on in there-“ He inhaled. Exhaled. “I never… I never wanted to hurt you. I just wish I would’ve had more time to think and understand what you- What I was feeling.”

He didn’t dare to look up to see Alex’ face, had no idea what he would see and was too scared to find out. Maybe he should’ve stayed silent for now, not opened up that topic again, proceeding to make the rest of this night a painful one, but if he didn’t do it now, who knows if he would’ve had the courage to do it later. The comfort. The sense of safety he felt in this second.

“I didn’t want to make you feel like I led you on or lied to you. I just- I got scared. And I just acted without thinking. I suppose I’ve been doing that a lot ever since I’ve known you.” At this point Youngbin wasn’t even sure if Alex was still there. He might as well just have left already. “I… I’m just so sorry.” He exhaled again. Now was the time to be honest. Now, or never again. “But I think I-“

“I’m sorry, Bin, I mean, really, it’s my fault, I shouldn’t have- If I hadn’t brought it up like that, then maybe we could’ve just gone on and been friends but I just thought if I didn’t tell you I’d be so miserable but I ended up being even more miserable after telling you, and it isn’t your fault-“

“Alex-“

“I mean your feelings just kinda are there and you can’t really do anything about that and I respect your feelings, it’s fine, I’ll get over the fact that you don’t like me back, you know? But I don’t think I can get over, just, losing you? As a friend, of course, like you’re my best friend, you make me so happy, even if you’re just my best friend, even if you don’t like me back.”

“Alex, you didn’t let me-“

“But I just thought I had to tell you because I didn’t want to lie to you and I didn’t want to use you and I just did it in the worst possible way because everything was just kind of going to shit. I was so scared of us ending up like me and Leia all over again and then because of that we did end up like that? Just, the point is that I really like you, and I want to be your friend because I like you so much, even if you don’t want to date me I want you to be able to still see me as a friend.”

“Alex.” Youngbin stood up from the mattress.

“Even though I’m a weird freak and really ill in the head over our breakup, that wasn’t even a breakup, but everyone kinda treats it like one- ”

“Shut up, Alex.” He took a step forward. Another one.

“I miss you, as a friend, I want to be your friend, that’s all I want, I just want us to be friends aga-“

Alex wasn’t allowed to speak further. Youngbin grabbed his face and pulled him closer without hesitation, crashing his lips into Alex’.

For a painfully long second, Alex didn’t react, and Youngbin pulled away.

“I’m sor-“

“Don’t.” Alex’ frozen skin heated up underneath Youngbin’s fingers, his eyes gleaming with something. “Don’t- apologise for kissing me ever again, please.”

“I just, uhm- Didn’t know how else to tell you that I missed you too.” Just say love. “Alex, I adore you.” Just say love. “I like you so much-“ Love. How was it so hard? How on earth was it that damn hard to say that one word? Admittedly, it’d been hard to think about, but now, it should’ve been easy. Now that it mattered.

“Oh,” Alex said.

“Yeah,” Youngbin answered. He couldn’t say it. For some stupid reason. But words had never held as much meaning to him, never had letters been able to convey his emotions as well as actions.

Youngbin kissed Alex again. This time, Alex responded, laid his hands around Youngbin’s body and pulled him closer. Closer. Closer and closer and closer to close the distance they’d kept between them for too long. And yet, Alex was so careful. His grasp around Youngbin’s waist was gentle and light, his kisses deep yet soft. Like he was scared of Youngbin pulling away once more. Of him getting scared again.

Truthfully, Youngbin was scared. He’d been scared for so long, of himself, of his feelings, of his hunger and the monster within him clawing him open from the inside. But he wouldn’t let his fears be stronger than his desire to be happy any longer.

Shame rushed through his body, and so did warmth, safety, as he allowed himself to feel Alex’ lips on his own, take it in, truly, his touch, the heat of his body breaking through cold skin, his wet hair sticking to Youngbin’s forehead. This was it.

This was the answer. The easy, simple, plain answer to a question that could barely be put into words, that had plagued Youngbin, his mind, his heart, and the answer was so logical. That all that fear was worth it. That no matter how unlovely, undeserving, difficult Youngbin was, it didn’t matter, because Alex still kissed him. He still let him know, so very gently, that he loved him. And to forbid Alex from doing so would’ve only been unfair.

“Bin-“ Alex pulled away, just barely, their foreheads still connecting, feeling each other's breath, hot on cold skin. Alex’ voice was deep and quiet and almost insecure. “Is this- Do you mean this?”

Youngbin hesitated, not because the answer wasn’t clear to him, no, it was. He meant it. He meant nothing more than his. What made him stop was knowing that he’d pretended like he didn’t mean it before. The fact that he had to assure him, promise Alex that this was real, this was the truth.

“Because if you’re just- trying to make me feel better, I don’t-”

“I love you too.”

Silence, Alex’ breathing stopped for a second, or maybe hours. Youngbin felt two hands grasping his waist just a little more firm, tensing up.

“How can I really believe you?”

“How… can I make you believe me?”

For a second, Alex’ lips curled upwards just the slightest bit, and something heavy in Youngbin’s chest lifted.

“I can think of a couple of ways.” He moved closer, their lips not yet properly touching, but certainly bushing each other as he spoke. “I’m… not easy to convince, you know.”

“You just want me to kiss you more.” Youngbin’s hands moved away from his face, brushing through Alex’ wet hair now, each of his words felt unreal to say out loud.

“I’ve been wanting that for weeks, actually. Don’t make me wait n-”

He didn’t make him wait. Not a second longer. Youngbin closed the gap between them, pressing Alex against him. If only there was a way to come even closer, to fuse into each other. If only Youngbin could’ve devoured him.

Alex smiled into the kiss, laughed, and Youngbin melted. He’d missed Alex. He’d missed his smile and his laugh and his voice and his taste. He’d missed his lips and his hands on his body, his waist and hips and back.

When he’d kissed Alex for the first time, properly kissed him, he’d forgotten who he was supposed to be, had forgotten how much he hated himself for what he was, until everything came flooding back in, the shame ripped him away, the guilt placed words in his mouth he, in that moment, truly had believed.

It wouldn’t happen again. He wouldn’t let it happen again, wouldn’t let himself tear him away from Alex. Not when he had something to prove.

“I love you.” He’d sprinkled it throughout kisses again and again like a mantra. “I love you.” Maybe it was excessive. “I love you.” But he had a lot to catch up on. “I love you.” Admittedly it’d become harder to say as they went on. “I love you.” Because Youngbin was running out of breath. “I-” And at some point he’d just become too busy to say anything else.

Alex probably believed him by now. That didn’t mean they had to stop.

They’d moved towards Alex’ bed, stumbled onto it, and now Youngbin sat on Alex’ lap once more, their lips only now breaking away. Youngbin breathed in and out and in and out, heavy and fast, it was almost embarrassing how exhausted he was, how clouded his mind was, how- good he felt. For once. All that bullshit he’d felt had been replaced by- oh, what was it? What was that feeling? He decided to not give it a name for now. Though, it was certainly the first time he felt like this. And he was, hopefully, going to feel like this many more times.

Alex brushed a strand of hair out of Youngbin’s face, his thumb then tracing his cheek, then his bottom lip. He scanned him, every single one of his features, took in Youngbin’s face with eyes that seemed as though they were analysing a painting, a work of art. Youngbin could feel himself blush, heat rushing into his face.

“Are you cold?” Alex’ voice seemed huskier and lower. He knew what he was doing. Asshole.

“Kind of the opposite, actually.”

“You’re hot, I know, but I’m asking about your body temperature.” Alex grinned, and Youngbin could almost forgive him for that stupid line. “No, like, you’re still soaked. You should probably change out of that before you get sick.”

“That’s one way to get someone to undress.”

Alex rolled his eyes, then one of his hands slid underneath Youngbin’s hoodie, tracing his skin, and Youngbin shivered underneath the unexpected touch, involuntarily leaning his body towards Alex’ hand.

“Yeah, you’re ice cold. Come on, at least put on a different hoodie. It’s not like I don’t have any here.” Alex pulled back his hand, and Youngbin sighed, finally moving off of Alex’ lap.

He’d frozen earlier, but honestly, he’d kind of already forgotten about… the rain. The cold. The fact that his entire body hurt like hell. But of course, now he remembered how uncomfortable he was supposed to be, and his brain shifted from kiss Alex forever mode to oh shit I’m doing awful mode.

Alex disappeared out of the room for a few seconds, came back with a freshly washed and folded hoodie, simple, grey, way too big for Youngbin.

“You’re lucky Lani forced me to do a laundry day.” The old grin was back, and it seemed so easy to breathe. “You still have my Paramore hoodie, by the way.”

“Yeah, I uh- I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to give it back.” Youngbin slipped off the wet hoodie he was wearing, then unfolded the grey one, only noticing how natural it had come to take off his top, right there, in front of Alex. So sudden. So easy. This wasn’t right. Something strange had happened to Youngbin’s brain. His eyes darted up to catch Alex looking at him. Not staring, just watching, a content smile on his lips. A subtle scan.

“Are your clothes not wet?” Youngbin commented, pulling the shirt over his head. Dry and warm and fluffy, familiar smelling. He’d always thought the whole borrowing hoodies thing was overhyped. Never mind.

“Oh, Alex, please take off your shirt! I want to be able to stare at your titties guilt free! That’s what you’re saying, aren’t you.”

“You only ever hear what you want to hear.” Youngbin tilted his head, a smile growing on his hurting tired face.

“I do,” Alex responded, pulling his own shirt over his head and throwing it to the ground. Youngbin didn’t quite manage to look at him guilt free, but he could push the guilt back for now at least. Ignore it. Admire Alex’ strong build instead.

He was incredibly muscular, his chest and arms well trained, though his muscles weren’t as defined. He was strong, looked strong, felt strong, athletic, so did his back when Alex turned around to leave to grab another shirt once more-

And now that Youngbin got a glimpse of his back, he also caught- something. A scar, faded, old, healed up yet still visible across his back. Youngbin had known the one on his hand, but this one was new to him. Alex walked back in, about to put on yet another one of his hoodies, when Youngbin stopped him.

“Alex?”

He stopped mid movement.

“Yeah?”

“That, uhm- What’s on your back?”

Alex remained frozen, something empty flashing through his face, then he shrugged, smiled, put on his clothes.

“The scar? From… childhood stuff. Guess I kinda fell down the stairs.” He cleared his throat. “Still visible, huh?”

“Slightly.” Youngbin looked down again, now at his hands. His right one was still reddened, his knuckles starting to bruise.

“It’s fine. It’s- Is your hand okay, by the way?” Alex now asked, letting himself fall onto the bed next to Youngbin. He reached out, took the hurting hand, examined it. “Doesn’t seem too bad. Does it hurt?”

“Oh, that, I honestly didn’t even- I almost forgot about this. Got more exciting things going on than to care about my hand.”

Alex lifted Youngbin’s hand up to his lips, placing kisses on his knuckles. This had happened before, hadn’t it? How curious to see the roles reversed like this, Alex kisses feeling so much more gentle than Youngbin’s ever could.

“If your fingers start hurting badly, tell me.”

Youngbin let Alex kiss his fingers, knuckles, back of his hand, before he used it to guide Alex towards his own face, placing a kiss on his lips once more. A short one, sweet and gentle, comfortable, familiar, like Youngbin was born to kiss Alex.

Alex sighed, leaving one more peck on Youngbin’s forehead, before moving away slightly, scanning his face once more.

“Would it… ruin the moment if we… talked?”

“About?”

“Feelings. Us. Everything?” Alex let himself fall on his back, folding his hands on his stomach. He closed his eyes, looked as though he was going to fall asleep any second. “Like… what the fuck went on in the last two weeks? Or like, in the past two months.”

“I…” Youngbin inhaled, held his breath. Sorting his thoughts, slowly, surely, he began: “The thing about me was- I think I just- I don’t like myself. So I was convinced that you couldn’t like me either. And that I couldn’t like you. It was- I don’t know.”

He laid down as well, looking at Alex, who still had his eyes closed. Youngbin decided to copy him, and tiredness instantly overcame his body. He fought to keep his brain working.

“I’ve never really… been in love with anyone and I think the possibility scared me. The things my mom said to me, the things people at school called me, the things that- the world is telling you, it makes you believe that you can’t possibly love in an honest and true way. That it’s all wrong and disgusting. And I thought I was disgusting. I still think I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever stop thinking that. So, I didn’t think I deserve to be loved, nor did I think I deserve to love.”

Youngbin felt a hand reaching out for him, softly taking it, holding his, a thumb brushing over knuckles.

“When- I kissed you, I was just so… scared of the way I… wanted you? It even feels wrong to say, even though it’s the truth. I just got scared, of myself, of the way I am capable of feeling, of the way I enjoyed you, of the possibility of you realising that I’m not enough. And when you confessed to me, I suppose I just couldn’t really believe it. Because I’m a freak and disgusting and all that stupid shit. And when I was without you, I thought I could grow and move on and I thought both of us could be happier because we don’t have to worry about me ruining something. But then I did ruin-”

“You ruined nothing.” Alex’ voice laid heavy on Youngbin’s chest.

“I did, but I suppose you fixed it.” He sighed. “I can’t move on. I can’t go on without you. I realised that I need you and your safety and your stupid smiles and jokes and that calm you give me because I know I’m fine when I’m with you, just- I’m in love with you, and I might’ve been for some time now, but I didn’t want to allow myself to be in love with you. I think when you told me, everything was just kind of… the reality was hitting me. Things felt too real and that scared me. And then- I mean, look at what I did.”

“And what did you do?”

“Broke your heart, or something. I’m not quite sure.”

“I think it was kind of broken before.” Alex hummed.

“I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your- it’s fine. I’ve been a fucked up sad slug long before we broke up. Long before I even met you.”

“It doesn’t feel fine. I was so absorbed in my self hatred that I not only made everything more difficult for myself but for you as well.”

“Bin, it’s fine. You’re here now. You’re here with me. You’re- It’s like I can see light again, I guess? Even if that sounds cheesy. The sun’s out again.”

“I was the reason for it to be dark in the first place.”

“You were not, you know that. Don’t give yourself so much credit, you being bad at emotions wasn’t the catalyst for all the shit things in my life. Shit’s been fucked literally since I was born. It’s been dark for ages.” Alex sighed, squeezing Youngbin’s hand a little. “It wouldn’t be right to blame you for this. Not even for the past two weeks. I wanna blame myself for just being a mess in general but I guess even that is kind of outside of my control.”

“I still feel the need to make it up to you.”

“You love me. How much more could you do?”

“I do love you.” Youngbin had gotten into a grove with this by now. Had practised saying it enough, and would continue to say it.

“So?”

“So what?”

Alex’ body weight shifted on the mattress, and Youngbin opened his eyes once more. Alex had turned towards him, shuffled closer, their faces a hair's breadth away.

“You’re in love with me. I’m in love with you. You’re wearing my hoodie. We just like, made out a shit ton. What now?”

“We… make out more until we pass out?” Youngbin grinned. He didn’t say that. A gay little demon in his head did.

“We could, aye. But like, as best friends, homies, besties, or-”

“Alex?” Youngbin now turned towards him as well, their noses touching. “If you’re trying to say that we-”

“Boyfriends?”

“Can you say that in a more romantic way, maybe?”

Alex chuckled, his face looked as though it had forgotten how it felt to laugh.

“Youngbin Lee. I am deeply, madly in love with you.” He laid one hand on Youngbin’s cheek. “Will you do me the honours of being my boyfriend? Like, real non fake boyfriend?”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I could be your idiot.”

“And you’re so cringe.”

“You love me for that.”

“And you’re-”

“Just say yes and kiss me already.”

“Yes, Alex. I’ll be your bo-”

It wasn’t like Youngbin had to finish that word. Alex could taste it on his lips, his tongue, his skin, just fine.

Chapter 35 - i'm coming with you

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