If Leia Zhang tells you to meet her after school, one of two things can happen. One, she stabs you in the gut multiple times. Two, she pulls out a list of every bad thing you’ve ever done, and then she’ll read it out, and then tell you to kill yourself. Which one of these was worse, Alex hadn’t figured out just yet.

Her request came at lunch, when she walked past Alex’ table, who really was just trying to enjoy his soggy fries, and her two girl friends (friends who are also girls) immediately began to whisper to her, like a dog who’d just done some mildly impressive trick.

“She’s gonna kill you,” Min concluded as soon as Leia was out of earshot.

“She can try.”

“Oh, she will.” They took one of Alex’ treasured fries and shoved it into their mouth. “But good luck.”

“I could just not show up.”

“Then she’s gonna find a way to kill you another time. Or she’ll text you.”

“I have her blocked.”

“That’s Leia we’re talking about, she’s finding a way.”

“Min,” Alex leaned back and stared at his no longer as treasured fries, a brownish yellow pile of salty sadness, “stop trying to convince me to meet Leia. I don’t really care about what she has to say to me, to be honest.”

“Oh, but I care!”

“So you go talk to her then!”

“What’s she gonna say to me? Come on, just go and talk and dodge a couple of murder attempts and report back to me.”

“Y’know, Margo would tie me to a tree in order to prevent me from talking to her.” But Margo wasn’t here. Margo was hanging out with Lani somewhere, and Lani wasn’t speaking to Alex, and so all of his friends that knew the deepest parts of Alex weren’t there to tell him what the right choice was.

And it wasn’t like Min knew what the right choice was, because they only knew Alex on a surface ‘this is my friend’ level, and not on a ‘I’m literally his therapist at this point and always know exactly what he needs and wants even though he’s not even telling me anything about his emotions’ kind of layer.

But, Min was the only advice Alex had right now. So he decided to trust them, for once, maybe getting ready for the sweet release of death already.

At the willow after school. We’ll talk.

Alex was now at the willow, after school, and not talking to anyone. He should’ve known that this was probably going to be a prank. Or an actual murder attempt, he’d started to actually believe that.

Or maybe she’d reveal that she actually wanted him back. And then maybe she was secretly recording, and then sending it to all her friends, and then to generally every person ever in Rosebury. Or in the world. And then Alex would be murdered for being too cringe.

Not that he’d have a cringe reaction to that, actually. He’d say something like “Well, should’ve considered that before you dumped me, I’m literally soooo happy and fine now, without you.”

No, he wouldn’t say that. What would he say, actually? Nothing, probably, he’d just kind of stare at her and shake his head and then go insane. But also, Leia would never want him back, so like, whatever. Well, hopefully. It wasn’t like Alex had to worry about that, because if she really was stupid enough to want Alex back, then that was her problem, and her responsibility to get her brain checked out and seek therapy.

“Alexander.” Oh, there she was. One of them was going to die today for sure.

“Leia Vanessa.”

“Ugh. Don’t make me pull out the middle names on you, Da-“

“Say it and I’ll actually kill myself in front of you.”

Leia’s face twisted into that disgusted kind of frown that Alex was painfully familiar with. When she raised up her upper lip and furrowed her brows and stared at you like she was going to call you every bad thing in the world.

She still looked like back then, no matter how much she tried to not look like that. She’d cut her hair a couple of weeks ago, and it had looked a bit awful, but she’d fixed up the cut now. No more strange bob, no more dense bangs, but a short wolf cut, and her hair actually looked like hair now, and not like a bad wig.

Alex would’ve complimented anyone with a haircut like that, anyone but Leia, so he kept quiet.

She wore more makeup now too. Sparkly but soft, the kind of makeup any other person would’ve called subtle but cute, but Alex knew her without makeup, so he knew that this wasn’t subtle at all. Again, something he usually would’ve complimented, because it looked nice as hell. But it was Leia. No point in complementing Leia.

“What do you want?” He leaned against the willows trunk, scanned her as she brushed her wispy bangs out of her face.

“Talk.”

“About what?”

Silence, then: “Me.”

“Yeah, that checks out.”

“I’m leaving.” Leia pressed her lips together now, and her expression shifted to something more familiar. Something a little more honest. Alex knew that most of her expressions had been practised, just like his own. That she’d carefully curate the way she looked, and sometimes it’d slip from her face. And then, she’d say something very serious.

Alex didn’t really want to know it.

“I’m gone by december.”

“Gone where?” Alex bit his tongue. He didn’t want to know.

Leia shrugged, buried her hands in the pockets of her faux fur coat, at least Alex assumed it to be faux.

“I’m moving away. Different city.”

“In December? Are you just-“

“Yeah, dropping out of high school.” A sigh, an embarrassed look towards the ground. “You know my grades. Not worth graduating anyways.”

Silence again. The kind of silence that’d been between them many times before. A strange distance. Disgustingly familiar.

“Okay.” Alex straightened his back, crossed his arms, going back to the kind of look you’d have at your ex, and not at a distant friend that was opening up again. “What’s that have to do with me?”

“Well, I really can’t wait to be rid of you.” Ah, there she was. Her voice turned snappier again. “I mean, I’m kind of leaving because I can’t stand to see your face any longer. So I thought I’d let you know. So you can really think about how unbearable you are, to the point of making me want to move away forever.”

“The way you’re wording it actually makes it seem like an achievement to me.” Alex furrowed his brows. He should’ve known that Leia was absolutely unable to have any kind of conversation close to personal with him anymore. Neither was him. “I didn’t even have to do anything!” He did a lot, actually, but she didn’t know that. “Except for minding my own business, but even that made you bitter, huh?”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Alex. I get it. You’re so fucking happy now without me. Okay, fine, whatever. See, this is what I mean.” And now there almost was a hint of genuine hurt. Alex should’ve been excited over that. “You’re so annoying. All you ever do is run around with your stupid little boyfriend. You pick him up from class and you hold hands at literally any given moment and you throw yourself at Dennis for him and you kiss him here, twice, right in front of my fucking eyes-“

“Oh, I get it now! You’re jealous of me and Bin!” Perfect, yes. The plan had worked. You know, the plan of making Leia jealous! The plan to get back at his ex! The plan had worked after all, despite also bearing a couple of horrible side effects.

“Alex. I’m not jealous. I literally dumped you for a reason.” She sighed. “But you know what? I can’t say I’m not hurt.”

Oh, ah, yes, she admitted it. Alex pretended like he felt so good about that.

“Like- Yeah. It’s kind of shitty, actually. Feels really shitty to see you so- happy?”

Yes, because Alex was super happy right now. Like in general. His life was great and he was a happy person. And Youngbin was also making him so very happy, by the way.

“And it’s like, damn. You never looked like that with me. You never picked me up or like, showed me off like that. You never even looked at me like that. Maybe there is jealousy in there, somewhere. But mostly it really just bruised my ego, I guess. You just replaced me, that easily too. It’s just- it feels unfair. That you get to move on from me so quickly.”

“So you’ll admit it?”

“Admit what?”

“That I’m not some unlovable loser like you said I was when you dumped me?”

“Wait.” Her expression shifted again into something angrier. “Are you actually that caught up on that? That I said mean shit to you when I broke up with you? Alex, what the fuck, genuinely. Was that like a game to you?”

“Not a game!” More like a competition, actually. “No! But like, this is just kind of karma, I guess!”

“Karma!” She threw her head back. “Really? Karma for what, being kinda mean to you once? My karma for calling you a loser is you flaunting your newer, better, more healthy and happy relationship to my face every day?”

“You didn’t just call me a loser! You said,” he could quote her here, “that I was never going to find someone to treat me well again, and you also said that I’m too complicated and weird to be liked, and that you are the best it could ever get for me.”

“Well, yeah, and that obviously isn’t true! You know that.” He didn’t really, that was the whole point. “Okay, you know what? Sorry. Like, really, genuinely, I didn’t mean it like that. It was a heat of the moment kinda thing and I just said whatever. But I’m sorry, and I didn’t mean to actually really truly hurt you. Really. Alex, I’m sorry. There. Bet you feel real good about yourself now.”

“I feel really shitty now, actually.” He didn’t mean to say that out loud, actually.

“Okay.” Leia rolled her eyes, nodded. “That works too.”

“I feel kinda dumb, to be honest.”

“You should.”

“I do.”

“Yeah.”

And then silence. Alex didn’t want to feel bad at all. This was it. He’d won. He’d won. A game his only opponent didn’t know they were playing, but in the end he had won. And Leia had even said sorry! She’d admitted that she didn’t mean it and that she doesn’t actually think Alex is an unlovable loser. That Leia. The self absorbed, self obsessed asshole Leia Zhang had apologised to the self absorbed, self obsessed asshole Alex Hill.

The plan had worked out. The plan Alex had started to forget about, and really didn’t want to remember. This should’ve been a victorious moment. The peak of his high school life. The climax of his story. The end of it.

It wasn’t.

It wasn’t even fucking worth it.

“Sorry,” Alex now blurted out, both to himself and Leia.

“Damn.” She sighed, her features softened into something friendlier, something Alex had almost missed for half a second. “Yeah. You better be.”

“I kind of actually am. Like genuinely. For a lot of things, actually?” Oh, now Alex’ brain allowed him to be honest and apologetic? Now that he was talking to someone he didn’t ever want to be apologetic towards? No, fuck that, actually. He wasn’t gonna go soft now, not for her. Backtrack, backtrack now. Come on. Please.

“Okay. Keep talking.” She was so awful. She was so damn annoying. She was way too much like Alex, and maybe that was why the relationship didn’t work out.

“I’m sorry for being really happy and in a great relationship.” If looks could kill- “And I’m sorry for flaunting the fact that I’m doing really well.” -Alex would’ve dropped dead months ago. “And I’m really sorry for being kind of an asshole.”

“Kind of is an understatement.”

“Listen, I’m trying really hard to get over my ego here. Sorry. I’m actually sorry. I learned how to say sorry recently, actually, and I’m trying, yeah?”

Leia nodded slowly, let out a huff, then something that could’ve maybe been a smile appeared on her face. Alex wasn’t sure why that made him feel a little lighter, and a lot less shitty about himself. Maybe, perhaps, there was a chance that coming clean and apologising for being shitty was actually helping him feel better. Jesus, that was one of the worst revelations he’d had so far.

And for a second, Leia seemed to have come to the same conclusion.

“Is this like, us making up?”

“No,” Alex quickly said, “I still can’t stand you.” He needed his head to just go back to not caring already.

“I can’t stand you either, that’s why I’m moving away.”

“I can’t wait to never see your face again, really!”

“I don’t think you have the right to hate me that much, actually. Like, I haven’t really done anything, do I? I’ve left you alone, ignored you whenever I could, I wasn’t even at school for the past week, what’s your problem exactly?”

Well, you see, I’ve made up an imaginary beef with you. “Because- I’m kind of sick of- Well, you’re just a gossip and I don’t want you to talk shit-“

“Alex, you genuinely are the dumbest man I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting.” Yeah, that checked out. “Why would I talk shit about you? I’m trying to think and talk about you as little as possible, genuinely, why the fuck would I waste my time talking about you?”

“Because- Because you kinda know everything about me and like, kinda have a lot to tell people? Also what about all your Instagram stories, huh? Posting about men not being shit all day?”

Leia very clearly regretted coming here, Alex could tell that much. She closed her eyes, sighed very heavily, very dramatically, rubbed her forehead. Jesus, no need to show how unbearable Alex was to her right now.

“First of all, I don’t know how you saw my story when we’ve blocked each other, but that’s none of your business. You’re very weird for that. And second, I- I do know you very well, and I’d never-“ She paused, pressed her lips together. “Do I look that mean to you? That I’d just go around and tell people about your personal shit?”

“K-kind of.”

“You know, I always thought you were one of the only people that gets me. I was under the impression that we maybe saw each other for who we really are- Sorry, that sounds cringe, but you know.”

Unfair of Leia to remind Alex of the reasons they actually dated, no, were friends in the first place. Evil, almost, of her to remind Alex of how good they could’ve been together, even just as friends, if one of them hadn’t messed it up by having a crush.

“Like, I know you, and you know me, but now we’re back to square one, and I’m just a mean girl to you. Like you completely forgot that I’m a person with nuance. Maybe- God, I hate saying this, but maybe Demian’s right when he keeps telling me about how much of a player you are.”

Oh, god, ouch, no. Leia had never agreed with her brother on anything. This one hurt, though. And if Leia had started believing him, then what was holding Youngbin back from listening to his words as well?

“Or maybe I really am just a mean girl, and you really are just some bad boy, and we are just two flat characters in a bad book that go no deeper than a bunch of tropes and clichés. I don’t know. Whatever, man. I’m leaving anyways, so- Yeah. I just wanted to let you know that I’m gone by next year. I don’t know why I thought I could just talk to you normally for once.”

Then she turned around. And she was leaving. Leia left- Wait, no. Not this again. Alex sure as fuck wasn’t letting anyone leave again just because he was too fucking stubborn to talk. He wasn’t going to let anyone go, not before he admitted that he was wrong for once. Not even Leia.

So much for going back to not caring.

“Leia, I’m sorry.”

“You’ve said that.”

“Yes, but I mean it. Like actually. I’m kind of the worst, and I’m sorry for-“ For what, exactly? “For everything, kinda? Sorry. You’re not-” He inhaled. Now or never. “I just have a huge ego and I’m scared of being in the wrong and looking like a loser, even though I kinda am a loser, but I don’t really want people to know, and, I mean, you already know that. And you still liked me for who I am and I liked you for who you are and honestly when you broke up with me it just hurt my big fat ego so much, and then I started making up a million scenarios where suddenly I’d be a loser and unpopular and some evil version of you would start making up rumours about me and then everyone would find out how shitty and embarrassing and cringe I am, and-“

Leia stopped in her tracks.

“I’m sorry for hurting you? ‘Cause I was scared that you’d hurt me first. I’m not a player. I’m just stupid.”

“You are.”

“I am.”

“Sorry for- Yeah. I’m sorry too. I already said that. But I meant it.”

She turned back around, and maybe one and a half months ago, Alex would’ve kind of hoped that she’d say something like “I want you back”. Now he just hoped for her to say “Good luck to you and Youngbin” or something.

“Well, apology accepted?”

“Yeah. I accept yours too.” Then she exhaled like she’d been holding a breath this whole time, her head tipping back to gaze into the clouded sky. She did that a lot. Sometimes it meant annoyance, sometimes relief. “See, that’s all I wanted to hear. A genuine sorry without all that mean shit attached.”

Leia smiled, and Alex was thrown back in time to last November when the two were nothing but friends. When Leia told Alex about her troubles and secrets, and the other way around. When she wasn’t Leia Zhang, most popular pretty girl in school, but Lei, or Leilei, or something weird like that, sitting at café Neverland, talking shit about her step dad and school and telling Alex about the tattoos she wanted to get and the bad books she’d read.

Alex was never going to get that back, he knew that himself, knew when their relationship had started going down the drain, and now she was moving too, gone forever. And only now, something made him miss her.

“It’s, uhm… Not just because of you, by the way. The whole moving thing. I don’t know why I said it like that. I mean, maybe you were kind of my last straw. Well, Demian was my last straw, but you as well, kind of.”

“Demian would be my only straw.”

“I know.” She cleared her throat. “I think I just need to get out of Rosebury. Get as far away from everything I know as I can. And if I wanna get away from you, I also have to get away from Demian, because all he talks about is you, and Youngbin, and honestly, I’m tired. And like, really sorry for Youngbin. You know, for having to deal with you and Demian. And I just can’t deal with Hank anymore, and I can’t deal with mom, and I can’t deal with anyone that lives in our damn house, I just- Need to get away.”

“You got a plan where you’re going yet?”

Leia shrugged. “Bellworth, maybe two hours away from here, bigger than this shithole. Got an aunt that lives there, she’ll help me out.” Another sigh. “I’ll see. It’s scary. But, like, needed. I’d rather learn to fly by myself than be pushed out the nest one day and fall to my death. Sorry, that’s a weird way to say it.”

“No, I- get it, I guess. Well. Good luck?”

“Mhm.” Leia nodded, and looked at Alex, and she actually looked kind of alright. Like, satisfied. Not yet happy, but satisfied. “Yeah. Good luck to you too. In life. You’ll need it.”

Silence between the two, like a moment of peace, a war that was over, with neither side winning. Maybe both had lost, though. But regardless, it seemed to be over.

“That’s it, then,” Leia concluded. “And now I hope I never have to talk to you or see you or think about you again.”

“Honestly, yeah. That sounds like a good idea.” It was exhausting to think about Leia. It was exhausting to think. At all.

“Cool. Then- Bye. And thanks. And fuck you, or something.”

“Yeah. Fuck you too, or something.”

So. It was over. Wasn’t it? It was over. The plan had worked. It was over now. Alex took a deep breath, and watched Leia leave.

Youngbin should probably know about this, then.

Chapter 25 - GOOD 4 U

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