content warning: homophobia

Youngbin finally pushed the door open.

“I’m home.” No answer. The house was silent, felt empty. No smell of food, or sizzling in the kitchen, no steps running down the stairs towards him. Just one muffled sound from within the living room after a couple of seconds of silence.

Youngbin kicked off his shoes, then cautiously pushed against the living room door. The light inside was dimmed, but Youngbin could make out movement- his father, shuffling in his forest green seat, rubbing his eyes and accidentally knocking off his glasses.

“Ah. I knew I heard something-”

“Where’s mom?”

“Oh-” Youngbin’s father cleared his throat, perhaps a little too loud, then coughed. “She’s out with Sohee.”

Right. ‘Girl’s night’, or: going to the gym together, once a month, on a Saturday evening for some reason. Youngbin had forgotten about that. He wasn’t sure if that was a blessing or another reason for him to procrastinate on something he really couldn’t keep to himself any longer.

“Right. I forgot. Okay.”

“I, uh, haven’t made dinner for the two of us yet, if that’s why you’re asking. I took a little nap.”

“It’s, uhm- Not really because of dinner.” Alright. No more backtracking. Youngbin thought of Alex’ encouraging smile, and it didn’t help a lot. “I wanted to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

“Well, I was going to tell you and mom. And Sohee. All of you.”

His father stretched, then wiped off some imaginary dust from his lap as he was still trying to properly wake up from his nap. He adjusted his glasses, round ones like Youngbin’s, with eyes behind them that were much narrower than his.

“You can tell me and I’ll tell mom when she’s back, okay?”

“I want to tell her myself.”

“Then you can tell her tomorrow.” The man raised his eyebrows, a concerned look on his face. “You look like you’ve got something on your mind. If something’s bothering you, you can tell me now.”

Youngbin inhaled, considering flight one last time. This was his last chance to pull back, to flee and lock himself in his room and text Alex that he’s a coward and simply can’t do it and would rather be homophobic towards himself forever.

But he stepped into the living room and closed the door behind him. He stared at the coffee table in front of him as he sat down on the couch right next to his fathers seat, observing its dusty glass surface as though he had never seen it before. There was no way he was going to look his father in the eye now.

“So- I told you I was seeing a friend from school, right?” Youngbin’s heart began hammering against his chest. He was going to do it, no matter how much his body and mind begged him to not do it. But, if not now, then never.

“You did.” Youngbin could tell that his father was holding back on making a joke about maybe doing drugs or committing crimes.

“It wasn’t all that true? Not completely, it is a friend from school, but- Uhm-” Why was this so much harder? He was out to so many people at school. Why was telling one person so difficult now? Maybe because he actually had to say it himself. At school, all he had to do was to let Alex do the real work while he was silently smiling and holding his hand.

“Oh.” A smile snuck onto his father’s face. “I see.”

“I don’t think you-”

“You met up with your girlfriend.” So close. And very far at the same time.

“Not really. I- I suppose you’re close? It’s, uhm…” Two more words. Youngbin dug his nails into the palms of his hands when his fingers began to turn numb. Just say those two damn words. “My boyfriend.”

He’d called Alex his boyfriend plenty of times now. Had introduced himself as his boyfriend, had said it enough for it to no longer feel as strange. And he couldn’t decide if it felt strange now. His stomach twisted once more like it had done the whole day, his heart pounded against his ribs as though it was going to burst out.

“Boyfriend,” his father repeated. Youngbin nodded slowly. “Someone you’re dating?” Another nod. “I didn’t think- well, that’s lovely, Youngbin. I’m very happy for you.”

“Are you not-” Youngbin blinked rapidly as his eyes began to burn. “Not- mad, or, disgusted or-”

“Youngbin, my dearest son…” His fathers voice was so very calming, like an embrace, so warm. “Why would I be mad at you? How could anyone be mad at you for being happy… You’re happy, yes?” He nodded, though his eyes would betray him, and he felt fat tears rolling down his cheeks.

His father now got up from the seat, and instead let himself fall right next to Youngbin, putting an arm around him. He slowly rocked both their bodies side to side, like he’d done for many, many years now. A steady movement, a calming one.

“See, if you’re happy then so am I.” He gently rubbed Youngbins back. Maybe his fathers warmth and closeness only caused more tears to stream down his face. He was allowed to cry. Here, with his father, he was safe to do so. “Oho, Binnie… Now don’t cry, it’s fine. It’s okay, I promise you.”

A bit of silence, then the back rubs stopped for half a second, before they continued a little slower, and his father leaned a little closer to Youngbin, an expression of worry on his face.

“Why’d you think I’d be disgusted?” His tone of voice was shocked now, for the first time that day. “Has anyone told you that you are?”

None other than himself. Yet. But he himself had done it plenty of times.

“If someone’s telling you that you’re wrong, or ‘disgusting’, or anything like that, let me know, Binnie.” His father held him a little tighter, squeezed his arm reassuringly. “We live in a time where people can love and be whatever they want. You can love girls, or boys, or whatever you want, and you can be a boy or a girl, or, or maybe something in between- And that doesn’t make you disgusting or any less of a person deserving respect, yes?”

Youngbin nodded, and for once, the voice of his father was louder than the one screaming and cursing at him inside his head. With a sob, he leaned closer into the arms of his father, who let out a chuckle, not an amused one, but rather clumsily.

A perfect outcome. A reaction Youngbin hadn’t even considered, hadn’t even dared to imagine. For a split second, he wondered if he had deserved this, if being accepted really was the correct way to react, but that thought had vanished as soon as his father murmured: “Thank you for telling me. I’m proud of you.” Maybe Youngbin’s existence wasn’t so wrong after all. Not for now.

“Do you want to tell me about your boyfriend?”

Youngbin cleared his throat, took a couple of deep breaths before sitting up again, now pulling up his knees onto the sofa to hug his legs. Coming out had been hard. But this was the hardest part. Lying to his father about Alex.

“He’s, uh-“ Youngbin sniffled a couple of times, turned his head away slightly so that his father wouldn’t be able to look him directly into the eyes. “His name is Alex and, uhm, we’ve been together for… two weeks?” Two weeks. Almost, maybe a bit less than that, but the time had passed terrifyingly fast. What had even happened the last two weeks? “He’s- really cool.”

“And you met him at school?”

“Yes, we don’t, uhm… We don’t have any classes together.” At least he didn’t know of any classes they had together. “But- We, we met, and… He’s really nice. He’s nice to me and-“ He likes to skip school, and he is competitive as hell, and he’s a troublemaker, and he loves strawberry cheesecake, and his arms are full of tattoos, and it’s really attractive. Youngbin couldn’t really say that to his father. “He plays basketball and I went to his practice today.”

“Ohh, an athlete… Sohee would like him, do you think?”

“I guess- Well, maybe. I’m sure.” She’d like him more than she liked her own brother, he knew that already.

“You should invite him for dinner. You know, like your mother always said. Once you have a girlfriend, she’s required to meet us as soon as possible.”

“Does the same still apply if the girlfriend’s a boyfriend, though?” A second of silence, and his father’s warm smile dropped the smallest bit, then Youngbin asked: “How do you think mom will handle it?”

“I think,” his father slowly answered, “that you’re gonna have to… give her a little time. It’ll be a big change for her.”

“Nothing’s changing, though.” Youngbin wiped away a stray tear that was still (or once again) stuck to his face.

“To her, it is.” A sigh, a slow and tired nod to himself, Youngbin’s father smiled once more, as encouragingly as he could. “But she loves you either way, remember that. We can tell her together, if you’d like.”

“I’ll- I’ll do it myself when I feel ready.” He certainly didn’t after today. It didn’t matter how well everything had gone, he was not ready for more emotional turmoil. He’d find a time that was right. A time where he wasn’t this tired.

After waiting for an understanding nod from his father, Youngbin rubbed his eyes once more, smiled as best as he could, and got up from the sofa.

“I’ll go to my room.”

“Oh, what about dinner? Should I make s-“

“You can just order pizza. I need some time alone.”

“Got it. Hawaii?” When Youngbin scrunched his nose in response, his father only let out a laugh, raised his hands. “I was joking. Salami, I got it.” And after a little pause, he added once more: “And I’m proud of you, young man.”

“I- Thanks. Thank you for… all that.”

“No need to thank me.” Plenty of need, actually. Yes, it was the ‘bare minimum’. But it also could’ve gone a lot different.

Youngbin laid between pillows and plushies, stared at the ceiling, his phone in hand. He had opened Alex’ chat maybe 15 minutes ago, but hadn’t written anything just yet, instead he’d just… lay there, and waste away in silence. Everything felt strange.

Alex had thought that ‘maybe it’d be easier once he’d said it’. Maybe instead of eating up all those feelings and emotions, talking about it and letting it out would make it easier to understand, to accept, to live with it. Youngbin wasn’t quite sure if he had accepted anything just yet.

His father’s reaction had been more than comforting, and he finally felt a peace with himself for a second while talking to him, but- Now everything was back, everything had flooded back, that shame and guilt and whatever the hell else there was that was kicking and beating Youngbin’s stomach from the inside and making his heart hurt.

He wasn’t quite sure what to tell Alex. Even though he wanted to tell him something, he’d only really be able to say something disappointing. His father accepted him, and yet nothing changed. So, that’s what he finally typed in, and sent to Alex.

» Told my dad. Still feel like shit. «

The answer came faster than expected, and Youngbin had to wonder if all Alex did all day was stare at his phone and wait for any new message.

» you feel like WHAT «

» I still feel like I’m not right «

» you said a bad word :0c

how did it go?

with telling your dad

you okay? «

» Yeah he reacted really well, everything’s fine really

I had just kinda hoped that I’d feel? Better after it?? Like you said earlier I was thinking maybe it’s easier for me to accept when I tell someone but I guess that didn’t work «

» its not gonna all just be well instantly that wasn’t what i meant

maybe itll take a while

but it’s a start

but anyways YPU CAME OUT!!! thats a huge fucking step and that’s really good and im happy that your dad reacted well!!!!!!!!

youngbin im really fucking proud of you man

thats a huge step «

I’m proud of you, once more. It felt a little different from when his father said it, but not any worse. It was- good.

» dont beat yourself up too much yea? you did so much today «

» I still don’t like myself «

Youngbin was able to catch himself, quickly erase the message just before sending it. He thought for a second, yet couldn’t come up with a reply that wasn't self deprecating in some way.

» My dad wants to meet you. Once my mom knows you’ll have to come over «

» oh yeag right i forgot we are boyfriends

id love to meet your dad!!!!!!!! i love meeting peoples parents they give me free food!!!!!! «

» My dad will like you. Mom maybe not so much. Sohee will be obsessed with you though. «

» is sohee another snake of yours «

» Almost :P

That’s my sister «

» OH SHIT IM SOS SORRYHDHFHFYFH

ooohuhhhh lee family dinner im so excited <3

ill find a clean shirt to wear just for you «

» You’ll have plenty of time

I don’t think I’ll get myself to tell mom anytime soon «

» hey take your time!!! ill wait for you however long you need ok

yourre gonna be fine :]

remember that im really fucking proud of you «

» Thank you

It really does mean a lot «

» 👍🏾💜 «

Youngbin put his phone away, with something that resembled a smile on his face. He couldn’t really tell why it was there, but he didn’t mind. It felt a bit better than crying.

The thought of Alex coming over to meet his parents was equally fun and terrifying. There was no way he could ever satisfy his mother, no way for him to behave so perfectly that he’d ever be allowed to come back. It was, most likely, going to be a disaster. But there was something within him that was excited to maybe shock her a bit, to surprise all of them a little.

He liked the idea. But for it to happen, he needed to wait for the right day. The correct time to tell her. Today wasn’t the right time though.

Maybe Sunday.

Sunday wasn’t right. Youngbin’s mother had slept in late after her nightly workout with Sohee had gone on for longer than expected. When she had gotten up, all she did was groan and complain about aching muscles and how Sohee had driven her into insanity. Laying down on the sofa on which a day ago Youngbin had felt his stomach turn a thousand times as he cried, she’d read a book- one which she had read a thousand times over. There was a reason why her and her husband had such good chemistry.

In the afternoon, Youngbin dared to step into the living room to check on her. Her face was almost buried into the book, something about women’s health, because she’d never care about anything more than women being healthy.

“Hi, mom.” She’d simply hum in response. “How was girl’s night yesterday?”

“Is that what you call it?” She didn’t look up from her book. Much like dad never did. “Sohee did not want to give up. She wanted to race me on the treadmill. I don’t think all that running is good for a 15 year old.”

“Ah. I think she knows what she’s doing.” Another hum, nothing more. “I was away too yesterday evening.” And now silence. “I was seeing a friend.” Nothing. “So- I’m going to check on Sohee too.”

Now she nodded. She wasn’t in the mood to talk. Whenever Youngbin’s mother wasn’t in the mood to talk, she’d let the entire family know. And there was nothing to change, no arguing, no trying later that day. Today simply hadn’t been the day to tell her.

Maybe Monday.

Monday wasn’t right. School had been hell, sucked every last bit of joy out of Youngbin. Around Alex, everything was fine. Nobody had said anything, though everybody certainly looked as though they wanted to say something.

And though Alex stuck with him during every break the two had, any second that Alex wasn’t around made him vulnerable. A great target for a few quick words yelled through classrooms and hallways. People had gotten creative with their slurs.

And as soon as Youngbin was home, he preferred to not think about it, to bury himself in blankets and stare at the terrarium in his room for hours without giving a single other thought to- anything. He already felt disgusting, and if he forced himself to talk about it for any longer, he was going to strangle himself.

There was no time, no energy, nothing was left, just the urge to disappear once again. So he did. Youngbin had turned off his phone, had said “Sorry, I feel a bit sick, eat without me” when Sohee knocked on his door to call him for dinner, had dimmed the lights, had sat himself in front of his pet’s enclosure and watched the rosy boa slither about without a care in the world.

He looked at Dan, who sometimes looked back with his two beady eyes, and thought about nothing, or at least tried to not think about anything, and he wasn’t succeeding very much, because no matter how much nothing he thought, the pressure within his chest was growing day by day, like something had awoken and was waiting to burst out. Something roaring, clawing at Youngbin’s rib cage from the inside.

He was going to let it out, but not today. If he unleashed whatever was waiting, he wouldn’t be able to control it, keep it tame, keep it from attacking him. But maybe tomorrow was right.

Maybe Tuesday.

Tuesday was right. Tuesday was finally going to be the day. On Tuesday, the beast roared, and Youngbin felt strong enough to release it. Until he sat at the dinner table, and his mother’s phone rang, and her expression changed about a million times in the matter of a couple minutes.

“Yes- No, absolutely- I see- I see- Yes, well- No, Ma’am- Would you listen to me for a m- No, Ma’am- Yes, of course, however you must understand- No- You’re right, yes- I understand, but please- Yes. Okay. You- Yes. I see. I understand. Okay. Yes. Okay.”

Three pairs of eyes had been fixed on her for what felt like hours, until she finally ended the call, let her phone fall onto the table, and with a terrifyingly straight face, shoved her dinner into her mouth while her gaze was stuck on the wall of their dining room.

Youngbin and his father knew not to say anything when this happened. One word, and she’d begin her rant, and there was no way she was going to stop. But unlike her brother and father, Sohee lived for her mother’s rage induced rambles.

“What ha-”

“There is no good in the world anymore. Oh, Doctor Han, we have to cancel my appointment! Oh no, Doctor Han, don’t cancel it actually! Oh Jesus Christ in Heavens, Doctor Han, cancel it again! Reschedule it to be five minutes later! Doctor Han, why did you cancel it? Nobody in the country is normal in their heads-”

Sohee grinned, and leaned closer to listen. Youngbin just sighed. Once more, not the right moment. His chest hurt, again, or maybe still. Like a dog on a leash, something was pulling him, and he was unable to move along just yet. Another day. He’d wait another day.

Maybe Wednesday.

Wednesday was- well, it didn’t matter if it was right. It was going to happen. Youngbin knew from the moment he woke up, today it had to happen. His father knew this as well.

As soon as Youngbin had come home, opened the front door and left his shoes at the entrance, his father had stuck his head through the door to the living room, with a smile.

“How was school?”

“Good.” Neutral. At least not bad.

“How’s Alex?”

“Good.”

“How are you?”

Youngbin hesitated, then he slowly nodded, and tried his best to put on a smile.

“Same as always.” Which didn’t mean good. But also didn’t mean awful.

“Same as always,” the man repeated, then pressed his lips together to think for a second. “Do you wa-”

“At dinner today,” Youngbin answered without waiting for the question. “I’m telling mom, I mean.”

His father hummed, nodded slowly, then his smile grew weary.

“I’ll have your back,” he said, though his voice sounded a little anxious as well. He didn’t like to go against his wife, didn’t like disagreeing with her, or arguing with her, or saying anything that she didn’t like. Neither did Youngbin, he knew that all of this would upset her massively. But he’d be willing to upset her today. For once. And then he’d do his very best to never do it again.

“I’ve got this,” Youngbin assured, more to himself than his father, and swiftly disappeared upstairs in his room, to, well, lie there, for a couple of hours.

And lie there he did.

And it wasn’t like there was anything else to do than lie there, and imagine the worst. Imagine how his mother would flip out, and yell, and scream, and kick him out, or worse yet, would say nothing and just look at him in the way only a mother could look at her child that had just ruined everything.

And Youngbin was very much ruining everything. He didn’t quite know what exactly he was ruining, and how, but simply being- not normal was going to be enough to ruin everything, ever.

Everything ever.

Everything ever.

And Youngbin would just lie there. Until someone knocked on his door, and he woke up from a dream he didn’t know he’d been having.

“Dinner’s ready!” Just like every evening, Sohee’s voice sounded muffled through Youngbin’s bedroom door. He quickly tried to pick up his phone to check the time, just to realize that he hadn’t even taken it out of his jean jacket after coming home.

How long had he been- He’d fallen asleep, pretty soon after coming home from school, and now it was dinner time already, so somewhere around 8. Great. Slept through the entire day.

“On my way,” Youngbin called out to his sister, his voice sounding a little hoarse. He rolled off the bed, his body feeling stiff, and he tried to take a deep breath. An easy task at which he failed.

His chest had tightened, and something roared, though it wasn’t the hunger. Tonight. Tonight or never.

His legs felt weak as he walked down the stairs. He heard Sohee’s laughter from the dining room, and no complaints about being too loud from his mother followed, which was a good sign. Her mood couldn’t be that bad.

Sohee had just sat down when Youngbin entered the room, she was talking loudly, gesturing as she told her mother about her school day. Youngbin sat down next to her, then glanced towards his father, who gave him a smile- it was supposed to be an encouraging one, but more so it was nervous. The anxiety ran in their genes, it seemed like.

“And then Tara told me that she wanted to try out the cheerleading team, but I think she only wants to do it because- Hi, Bin!” It took Sohee a couple of seconds to notice her own brother. “Where were you the whole day? Haven’t heard you leave your room once!”

“I fell asleep.”

“Oh, darling, that’s not good for your sleep schedule,” his mother now said, putting a pot of fried noodles onto the table. “If you do nap during the day, then-“

“Only for 20 minutes. I know.” Youngbin cleared his throat. “Uhm, mom-“

“How was your day at school, Youngbin?” A mandatory question she’d always ask, and only half the time she was being honestly curious. Today wasn’t such a time. She sat down, put dinner onto Sohee’s plate, then on her own. Ladies first, as she always insisted.

“Good, uhm- I held my presentation for extra credit in biology today.”

“What grade did you get?”

“A-, I wasn’t- holding eye contact enough.”

“Good job.” His mother flashed a smile, perhaps not as warm as it should’ve been, rolled her eyes at the same time. “Don’t worry about the eye contact. Very silly, I think.”

Youngbin hummed, then looked to his father, who’d stared at his empty plate for a couple of seconds before snapping out of his trance and taking a portion for himself, then offering Youngbin some noodles as well. He hesitated, then shook his head. There was no way Youngbin could swallow a single bite now.

“I- can I say something?” Youngbin cleared his throat, attempting to loosen the knot that had formed there. Sohee curiously looked up, while his mother remained focused on her dinner.

“Of course.”

“I-“ His heart began pounding, his fingertips began turning numb. Now. Now. Now. Let the damn beast out now. It was clawing into his heart, pressing against his lungs, chewing and gnawing his throat. Let it out.

“I’m- I met someone. And, uhm- We-“

“Woah. You have a girlfriend,” Sohee concluded, and now his mother’s movements stopped, though she still wouldn’t look up.

“Well- No, I have- Well, I-“ Claws sank into Youngbin’s body. “I have a boyfriend.”

“What.”

“I’m gay.” He blurted it out, the words tumbled out of his mouth, and they rang in his ears, they shook him, like thunder, like a storm, like the deafening roar of whatever beast had rested within him for way too long.

And then everything fell silent. The beast had turned into dust as soon as it had escaped.

“You’re not.” It was less of a fact his mother was trying to state, but rather a plea. Her voice was stable, and it sounded hard. Cold. Quiet. She still wouldn’t look up, wouldn’t dare to look her son in the eyes.

“That isn’t bad though, isn’t it?” Sohee’s voice was oddly cheerful, cutting through the tension in the air. “I think-“

“It doesn’t matter what you think, Sohee.” Like oxygen taken from a flame, Sohee’s voice was choked out instantly. “You’re too young to understand this.”

Youngbin felt the chair melting into his body as he pressed himself against the backrest in an attempt to ground himself, feel something. Not once had she looked up, had turned into stone instead, stayed completely still.

“This is silly. I don’t know what you’re thinking, Youngbin, but I can assure you that you’ll come to your senses. This isn’t- You can’t live a life like that.”

“Like what?” Youngbin wasn’t sure if his voice was even audible at all.

“Like that. I don’t need to elaborate. You know this isn’t normal.” He knew. “Now end of discussion. I don’t want to talk about something like that. There’s nothing more to say.”

“Seriously? There’s nothing more to say?” Another moment where something else took control of Youngbin’s body, his words. “All you have to say is ‘You’ll grow out of it’?”

“Because there isn’t anything else to say.”

“So when am I supposed to grow out of it, then? I feel like, I don’t know, 8 years should’ve been enough time to grow out of it, but it apparently didn’t work.”

“Oh, please, you’re still a child, you’re still-“

“I’m 18, do you think I just know nothing about anything? Do you think I know nothing about myself?”

“And I’m 41, now think, who of us might know more about life?”

“I can assure you, I know more about my own life than you do.”

“Youngbin, you are raising your voice against your mother when I am just trying to help you.”

“How are you helping me right now? How’s invalidating me supposed to help at all? This is bullshit-“

“Watch your language, young man.” Her voice had gotten so loud. So had his. “You are not disrespecting me in such a manner.”

“I’m disrespecting you? I’m trying to be honest with you and you’re telling me that I’m delusional, but I’m the disrespectful one?” Youngbin had risen up from his seat, pushed himself out of his chair without noticing.

“You don’t even realize how hard you’re making your own life with this, I just want my son to be normal-“

“Well, sorry, but you don’t have a normal fucking son, you only have me-“

“Show some resp-“

“And if you can’t love me the way I am then I don’t see why I should show any respect towards you.”

She got up as well. Sohee flinched.

“Of course I love you. But you’re- This isn’t normal, this isn’t right-“

“Then just let something be wrong, for once! Just let me be wrong and leave me be!”

The chair nearly fell over when Youngbin pushed it away and snapped around, his feet carrying him out of the dining room, and escaping the yelling of his mother, he stumbled up the stairs, into his room, before his legs finally gave in as the door behind him slammed shut.

Face first, he fell into the pile of pillows on his bed, burying himself underneath them as he finally broke. He’d been such a strong, brave boy, and now he was crying. Now he was choking on his sobs, now his hands and arms were numb, now the roar of that beast had turned into nothing but a pathetic whimper.

“Shit, shit, SHIT-”

It was over. Everything was over. Everything, everything, everything was ruined, forever, and ever. He’d said those toxic words and they still burned in his throat and ate away his insides. It isn’t normal, it isn’t right, he wasn’t normal, he wasn’t right.

Youngbin couldn’t breathe.

She was right. She was right. He was wrong. She was right. Why had he even argued with her? Why had he even talked back, why had he said anything, why had he screamed, why couldn’t he just keep quiet and take the hit and sit back down and accept his fate and be wrong and let himself be fixed?

But no, something took over, something stood up and yelled and now he was going to die broken.

Everything was over, nothing was normal, nothing was right.

Youngbin couldn’t breathe.

He rolled on his back as he pressed his eyes shut as if that would prevent the tears from streaming down his face. Coughing between his sobs, he tried to take just a single breath, choking on the very attempt.

Rain hammered against the window, yelling voices echoed through the house from downstairs, his own curses and wails and cries buzzing in his ears, all fusing into static, into a deafening white noise, into a tone that turned into darkness, that crept through his room, into his bed, into his body.

He tried to press his hands onto his ears, but his arms wouldn’t move, they’d numbed, fallen off his body, disappeared into that blinking, bright, eye straining blackness that pressed down on his stomach and his chest and his throat and his face and every part of him.

He wasn’t normal, he wasn’t right, he wasn’t even fucking there anymore, he wasn’t in one piece and he was never going to be whole again, he’d broken himself. Or maybe he’d always been like that. Either way.

He wasn’t right.

He wasn’t right.

“Youngbin.”

His name. It didn’t sound right. It wasn’t a name to be spoken.

“Youngbin.”

Who was that? It wasn’t him. It wasn’t his name. He wasn’t Youngbin.

“Binnie, please let me in.”

So who was he? Had he ever been anyone at all? Had he been his mothers child once in the past 8 years?

Between thunder and silence, the door clicked.

“Bin?” Her voice was muffled, so far away. She was calling into void, and the void couldn’t answer, because the void had no more voice, because the void was choking up on its own sobs.

And then, Youngbin felt his arm again, when Sohee touched it.

“Hey, hey, hey,” she whispered through the noise, through the dark. “Breathe. Breathe. In, out, come on. Through your nose, in-“ It got a little brighter around Youngbin. “-and then out through your mouth. Can you hear me?”

He nodded, slowly, as though his head was weighing too much, too heavy to move. It hurt. His head hurt so damn much.

“Come on… Shh, shhhh… Breathe.”

Youngbin’s breaths were shaky, and so was Sohee’s voice, but her grip around Youngbin’s upper arm was firm. He felt it again, his arms, his hands, his body, like she’d attempted to reattach the limbs that had just been swallowed minutes ago.

It took a few minutes. Sohee’s steady guidance began to come through a bit more, like a clouded sky clearing up every so slowly, beams of sunlight peeking through few and far between. But- Youngbin could breathe again. Somewhat, at least. He was back in his room, on his bed, in his body, and his sister was sitting next to him.

Her eyes were glossy, but she hadn’t cried. Sohee had never cried in her life, neither had their father, or their mother. Youngbin was the only one fragile enough to actually cry.

The corners of her mouth desperately attempted to move up. She tightened her grip around Youngbin’s arm once more before letting go. It was quiet now, save for the thick raindrops still crashing into the large window behind the two siblings, and an occasional hiccup.

“Mom was yelling at dad,” Sohee said. “And then dad yelled at mom.”

“Because of me?” Youngbin’s voice was hoarse, scratchy. Sohee sighed, hesitated to answer.

“I don’t care if you like boys. I still love you, you know? You’re still Youngbin.” She looked down. “Dad does too. And mom.”

“I don’t think mom does.”

Silence again. Then, Sohee gently shook her head with another sigh.

“She does,” she then answered, though her own voice sounded so uncertain.

Youngbin took a couple of breaths once more, moved his fingers around. The world around him had finally taken shape again. He himself hadn’t just yet, though. This throat felt sore, his eyes heavy, his chest was so damn tight, obstructing his heart from beating properly. And then there was this emptiness.

That monster that had been ripping him apart from the inside for the past days- no, for the past 8 years, had finally come out. And now, nothing was left but a clawed and destroyed enclosure, and dirty footsteps, and rotten meat, and the reminder that this monster he’d let live inside him never should’ve been there in the first place.

And if it did, it should’ve just stayed in. But it had run away, had been released into the wild. Youngbin had let it go, when maybe he should’ve let it consume him from the inside instead of giving it the chance to attack the outside world.

A knock on the door. Maybe the beast had already returned and was ready to eat it’s way back into Youngbin’s heart. Or maybe-

“Youngbin. I’ll come in.” Without waiting for an answer, the door opened, and two reddened eyes, almost identical to Youngbin’s own, looked at him. She’d cried. His mother had cried, for the first time in her life maybe.

Sohee sat there, no attempt to move away from her brother's side, when their mother looked at her. An indication to leave, that Sohee skilfully ignored.

“Please,” she then said. Slowly, the girl moved away, looked at Youngbin one last time, but avoided her mothers gaze.

The door shut, and there was silence. Youngbin stared at his mother, for the first time he dared to look her in the eyes. She, however, looked to the ground.

"Can I sit down?" She took small steps towards Youngbin's creaky desk chair, but didn’t sit down just yet until Youngbin nodded slowly.

And then she sat there. Not saying a word, she just sat there, still stared to the ground, playing with her fingers, just like her son did so often. And he still looked at her, waiting, impatient.

“What do you want?” He finally asked, and her head snapped back up to face him at last.

“I want to talk.”

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about something like that.”

“I-“ She sighed, her eyes darted towards the floor again, then she pressed her thin lips into a straight line. “I don’t really know what to do, Youngbin. But I’m-“

The word ‘sorry’ was visible on her lips already. And it didn’t come out. It was stuck there, held back. Of course she wasn’t going to say sorry, not like this. She was a woman so polite and well behaved and yet never sorry for anything, ever. And Youngbin didn’t need to do this to himself, he didn’t need to watch her think about apologizing and then deciding against it.

“If you don’t have anything to say then leave.”

She made no attempt to leave, she didn’t even move.

“No, I- This is… not easy for me.”

“You think it’s easy for me?”

“No, let me talk. Let me explain.” She looked up again, finally looked Youngbin in the eyes. “I don’t think this is… a natural thing. You know, love is a man and a woman, that’s how I grew up. That’s my… reality? And you are in a different reality, and I don’t really understand yours, and I don’t agree with yours-“

“Mom, this isn’t-“

“But there’s nothing I can do. I can’t change how you think and feel. You’re too old for that already. And now I have to live with this and accept this. Even if it’s hard for me.”

What an awful apology. What a terrible way to say ‘I’m homophobic but I guess I can’t just kick you out’. Youngbin furrowed his brow when his mother simply looked at him, as though she was waiting for a response, or worse, an apology. He wasn’t going to give her either of these.

“I’m just hoping… maybe we could compromise.”

“Compromise?” Youngbin now snapped, but his mother didn’t seem to be in the mood to yell at him again, her voice being notably and strangely quiet.

“I just want to find a way where we can both respect each other's opinions.”

“Well, I’m sorry but I won’t ever be able to respect your ‘opinion’ that I’m unnatural. You respect me or you don’t. And if you really can’t, fine. But don’t expect me to respect you either.”

She looked down once more, as though she was ashamed. He’d never wanted his mother to feel ashamed because of him, ever. But today? Maybe he enjoyed the sight more than he should’ve.

“You’ve changed a lot. I understand that now.” She sounded as though she had just lost her only son. “You don’t listen to me the way you did when you were little. You’re… You talk back to me, and I’m not used to that. But maybe- it’s your right to do so?”

How surprising to hear this coming from her, to admit that sometimes Youngbin is right to not agree with her.

“I’ll have to learn.” Another confession that Youngbin had never believed to come out of his mothers mouth. “I still love you dearly. And I’ll let you live however you want. I just-“

“Just let me be and keep your thoughts to yourself.” That was as close as he could come to that aforementioned ‘compromise’. And his mother nodded once more.

“I’ll try.” Silence, then she added: “I’ll try to learn.”

The rain outside had only gotten stronger, almost violent as it hammered against the bedroom window as though it was so desperately trying to get into Youngbin’s room. Youngbin kind of wanted to let it in. He leaned back, watched his mother continue to stare at anything but not her son. She didn’t seem like she was thinking about anything in particular, but rather just waiting for something else to happen, or maybe for it all to be over.

And Youngbin let her wait. Just for a little bit.

She was uncomfortable, it was easy to tell. And she never was uncomfortable. She was upset or annoyed or angry a lot, but never was she uncomfortable. Youngbin felt guilty, he felt terrible, his heart still ached, he was out of place and wrong and awful, but the way he made his mother feel so unwell by simply existing was almost cathartic. Like some kind of achievement, like a step in the right direction.

Maybe there was something satisfying about upsetting others without having to lift a finger. Maybe Alex was onto something.

“Remember when you… always said you’d want me to bring my girlfriend for dinner so you can meet her as soon as possible?” Youngbin watched his mothers face drop- more than it had already dropped in the first place. “Is that still an offer?”

“Well, I’m not sure if-“

“Dad already said yes.”

“Of course he did…” His mother leaned back in the chair, which let out a horrible squeak. “I- suppose you can invite him.” She didn’t like that. And she wasn’t going to like Alex. He was, in fact, going to make her so, so mad.

Somehow, Youngbin couldn’t help but be excited for this.

Chapter 9 - monsters in the closet

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