Alex and Youngbin had gotten into this kind of routine, where Alex would pick up Youngbin for every break, and then they’d walk around at school in circles, passing the cafeteria, the library, the school yard and the weeping willow growing at the very back of it, and back into the building. A perfect way to show off, visible to pretty much every student at school.

And after they’d walk their rounds, Alex escorted Youngbin back to his classroom, and then Alex could decide whether or not he’d go to his own classes or if he’d simply sneak back to his usual hideout behind the gym. Now, it wasn't hard to guess which of these two options he preferred.

It honestly was quite fun. Walking ever the same path holding Youngbin’s hand, chatting about anything really, or maybe nothing at all. Youngbin knew all these interesting things, he knew about history and about music and about art and about movies. And once he started talking, Alex could just sit back and listen. That boy was smart. And talkative, once you’d find a topic he enjoyed.

Today, though-

Youngbin walked out of his English class, his eyes half open, his skin looking pale. Like any other person coming out of the classroom, really, except that this was Youngbin Lee and he was supposed to walk out and greet Alex with a smile and say something like ‘Oh gee, I truly love that Shakespearean comedy we’ve been discussing for weeks!’.

But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t even see Alex, until Kaya, who walked closely behind him, stopped and greeted him. Though ‘greeted’ sounded a little too friendly.

“You again?” Her golden eyes gleamed at Alex like she was going to shoot laser beams from them any moment now.

“Well, yeah, I’m always-“

“Binnie, don’t you want to go to the library with me today?”

Youngbin slowly blinked a couple of times, pushing away his glasses to rub his eyes.

“Kaya, it’s-“ He lowered his voice a little, it sounded so damn tired- and almost a little upset, in a strange way. “It’s fine. I promise.”

Kaya glared at Alex once again, then scoffed. She had a problem with him. A different problem than most people had, actually. A worse one.

“Sure. See you later in class, Bin.” She patted his arm, then walked away without a single look back.

Youngbin, as if it was programmed into him, immediately took Alex’ hand and began walking that same way they’d always walk. But there clearly was a fault in his code today. He wouldn’t say a word. Bad.

“Hi, by the way,” Alex said, as softly as he could.

“Hi.”

An answer at least. Not a great one, but something. Alex now knew that he wasn’t just a dead body walking next to him.

“How’s, uhm- How was class?”

“Fine.”

Fine. Fine must've meant something like 'fucking awful'. Alex pressed Youngbin’s hand a little, as if that could ever be comforting, before he decided to just shut up for now.

They passed the cafeteria, stepped outside, and Youngbin was still silent. It had rained through the night, only stopped a couple of hours ago. The school yard had been flooded, the air was cool, though the sun shone harshly through the wall of clouds that finally started to cleared up now.

"So," Alex cleared his throat, keeping his gaze on the large willow tree as he spoke to Youngbin, "is everything alright?” Obviously it wasn't. Dumb fucking question. “You don’t look good.” Dumb fucking addition.

“Yeah.” Youngbin’s hand loosened around Alex’, instead slid up to hold onto his upper arm. “I’m just tired.”

He knew that excuse. Lani said it all too often when clearly, there was something deeper going on, but Lani was hard to crack. Perhaps he could actually come through to Youngbin though, instead of just accepting that lie and moving on.

“How come?”

“I just- couldn’t sleep, I suppose.”

“And that’s it?”

No answer, for a couple of seconds. Fat drops of rain rolled down the leaves of the weeping willow like tears, landing in front of the fake couple’s feet, and Alex decided to remain standing underneath the tree.

“You know, if there’s something going on, you can-”

“It’s nothing to worry about.” Youngbin attempted to flash a smile, and failed horribly. “I tend to- not sleep very well when I’m stressed.”

“So you’re stressed.”

“When am I not?” A huff, but Alex didn’t find it all that funny.

“Is it because of the whole, you know, coming out stuff?”

And now Youngbin froze up completely. Of course it was the coming out stuff. Alex hadn’t even thought about asking when and how he was planning to do that, and now Youngbin was losing sleep over it. Real fucking supportive of you, Alex “Boyfriend Of The Year” Hill.

“You know, if it’s stressing you out so much, you really don’t have to-”

“So it turns out-” Youngbin’s voice was a little louder than expected, and he let go of Alex’ arm with some kind of weird desperate ‘smile’. “My mom’s homophobic but in the really passive aggressive way where she thinks I’m a weird, unnatural, wrong freak, but she’s so gracious and holy that she’ll ‘let me live’ and now she’s probably just gonna pretend like nothing ever happened?”

Oof. Ouch. Yikes. Something in Youngbin just had so visibly shifted, from tired to- tired and pissed? Was it possible for Youngbin to be actually pissed off?

“That’s- really fucking rough, man, I’m so s-”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound like this, this isn’t even the worst outcome, honestly.” So he couldn’t really be pissed off. At least not for long and without apologising for it right after. “It’s not like I got kicked out or something. Others have it worse. But I’m still- I still feel like trash.”

“W- Well, yeah. It’s fine. You get to feel trash over that, it’s your right.” Alex leaned against the trunk of the willow, the bark poking him in the back. “But you did it.”

“I did.” Youngbin had gone back to looking sleepy and sad and slightly sick, skin paler, eyes duller, hair almost looking like it had some of its fluff. Like a balloon animal that someone had deflated slightly. Not in a silly way, in a sorry one.

And it was a sight that hurt Alex more than it was supposed to. The fact that Youngbin wasn’t angry but just tired, when he should be angry, and almost got angry, and then went back and dared to apologise. And now Alex couldn’t help but get angry on his behalf.

“You did! So who the fuck cares about what your mom thinks? Who cares about what mothers have to say anyways? You’re being you, and that’s good, and that’s brave and strong and really fucking cool.” Alex crossed his arms now, scoffed. “So you’re a freak now, so what? What’s the point of living if you can’t even be a freak?”

Youngbin let out a single chuckle, then sighed as he stared to the ground.

“I- suppose you’re right. I just- don’t know how to feel. It’s all… a lot?”

“Hey, man.” Alex pushed himself away from the tree trunk, gently grabbed Youngbin by the shoulders to better look at him. “It’s fine. You know how it is. You’re fine. Try to just, feel less, and vibe more.”

Another chuckle.

“That’s not your best piece of advice, is it?”

“Come on, dude, that’s just my way to show love! I just say shit and hope you interpret it to be something helpful!”

Ah, there it was again. Youngbin smiled. An honest one this time, still hadn’t reached its full potential, still not the brightest smile of all, but finally an honest one.

“What I’m saying is,” Alex cleared his throat, “I’m proud of you.” Youngbin slowly nodded, looked to his feet once more, then- slid right into Alex’ arms.

His body fell against Alex’ unexpectedly, he stumbled back a couple of small steps, yet their arms wrapped around each other immediately. Alex felt another sigh against his shoulder, and only now he really noticed the height difference between him and Youngbin.

Well, not that he hadn’t noticed it before. Youngbin was maybe half a head shorter than him, he’d known that, but now that there was no space between them really, it was obvious. Perfect height, kinda. For what? Alex wasn’t all that sure. Something like forehead kisses maybe. And if he was hugging him like this, Youngbin’s hair was tickling Alex’ nose a little, but it wasn’t like that was all that much of a problem, because Youngbin’s hair smelled really fucking good.

God. Cringe. That entire train of thought was pretty fucking cringe. Didn’t matter though. Youngbin’s feelings were mattering now, of course, and Alex decided to focus on those again.

“Sorry,” Youngbin mumbled, and Alex wanted to squeeze him, so he did.

“What are you apologising for?”

“Hugging you?”

“If you really were sorry, you would’ve already stopped,” Alex joked, and Youngbin now actually moved a little as if he was attempting to move away, so Alex quickly added: “I’m kidding. It’s fine.” And Youngbin stayed.

He kind of perfectly fit into Alex’ arms. And kind of perfectly wrapped his arms around Alex’ body. It must’ve been a great sight, of a perfect couple, they must’ve looked so good together. Surely better than Alex and Leia.

“By the way-” Youngbin’s voice sounded muffled as his face was pressed against Alex’ shoulder. “Are you free tomorrow?”

Alex hesitated, then finally moved away from their hug a bit, though still leaving his hands on Youngbin’s shoulders, whereas his arms remained around Alex’ waist.

“Why, want me to run away from your family with you?”

“The opposite, actually.” Youngbin’s face had turned a little red. “I was thinking you could come over for dinner?”

“So your mom can poison me?”

“Might be a scheme to poison both of us at the same time,” Youngbin said, before realising what he said, and furrowing his brow at himself, shaking his head. “Sorry, no- I just think it’d be nice if my family got to meet you.”

“And your mom allowed that?”

Youngbin only shrugged, looked to the side as he exhaled, then forced a smile onto his face.

“She tolerates it. Also, I guess she needs to check if you’re the right person for me?”

“Oh, and I am.”

“I don’t think she’ll agree. But it’s fine. Maybe I want her to disagree.” He did? Well, yes, he did, according to that fake smile that looked a little less fake now.

Just like Alex only doing this to annoy Leia, Youngbin had started to use this relationship to upset a couple of people himself, and that certainly was something Alex could get behind. What more was he good at other than disappointing parents?

“I’ll make time, then.” Alex smiled, and tried to wink, though he wasn’t all that sure he’d succeeded.

That was going to be a disaster. Alex had never been good at- meeting his partner's parents. And usually he didn’t even meet them in the first place, because he’d stayed together with all of his girlfriends for three weeks maximum. Except for Leia, of course, but meeting her parents was probably one of the worst things he’d ever done, aside from dating her in the first place.

And speaking of Leia.

Alex saw her from a distance, the second she walked outside. She had that aura, like she was glowing in bright pink, or maybe purple or something, that made her visible to Alex in an instant. When the two had first met, he’d been mesmerised by said aura. Now he just wished he could turn off that glow and never see her again.

You usually know that a girl is going through it when she cuts her hair, or gives herself bangs, and Leia happened to have done exactly that. Her ebony hair had always reached her chest, now it sat right on her shoulders. Her bangs looked a little off, though Alex certainly wasn’t the one to judge her hair. After all, she was the one that had taught him how to straighten his hair without having it fall out completely.

“What are you seeing that I’m not seeing, Alex?”

“Ah-“ Alex blinked, quickly looked down to Youngbin- who was still holding onto him, and was also still being held, for some fucking reason. “I found Leia.”

“And?”

“She hasn’t looked over yet.” Alex narrowed his eyes as he looked towards his ex. She was, surprisingly, walking around alone. What an oddity. Her gaze was pointed straight towards the ground, and yet she was approaching the willow, though rather slowly. “But she’s on her way to us.”

Alex tried to observe her further, but a hand laid itself on his cheek to quickly pull his face down to Youngbin’s, just like it had happened a week ago, and now Youngbin’s lips hovered just millimetres away from Alex’ own.

How fucking cruel. To have anyone pull him this close, to feel someone’s breath on his skin, to have nothing but a hairsbreadth between his lips and someone else’s, and to stay like that for a couple seconds, that should’ve been considered torture.

“Sorry,” Youngbin whispered, barely moving his mouth so as to not risk their lips brushing. “This made her angry last time, so I thought-“

“I like what you’re thinking.” Alex shot one more glance up to Leia, just at the right moment, because now she finally lifted her head a bit, just a little, and finally caught a glimpse of the fake couple just a few metres away from her. She stopped in her tracks, and Alex looked back into Youngbin’s black eyes. “She’s h-“

Youngbin knew what Alex was going to say, and didn’t wait for him to finish. Less clumsy than last time, and certainly more determined than last time, Youngbin closed the gap between them.

Okay.

Cool.

Alright.

Youngbin was kissing Alex, just like the last time he had kissed Alex, but it also kind of wasn’t like that at all. It was the same setup, and the same place, and the same reason as last time. But, it was, kind of, somewhat, different.

Maybe, and Alex tried to think a little more like Youngbin, it was because he had his role down more. Maybe because he’d practised the scene before, and now he could play it more confidently. Maybe because of character development or some shit.

Youngbin’s thumb brushed over Alex’ cheek ever so lightly, and Alex remembered that he isn’t supposed to think that much during a kiss. Except that this wasn’t a real kiss, but a fake kiss, so it probably didn’t matter what he was thinking about while kissing, because it wasn’t like it was genuine and real and emotional.

Except that Youngbin’s pillowy lips did feel very real, and the way he had tilted his head a little, and the way his one hand moved from his cheek into Alex’ hair a bit, and the way he had his other hand was holding Alex’ waist, all that he did in fact feel.

But, then again, actors were real people as well, and they had real lips and real hands and real bodies, but their actions weren’t real, because their roles weren’t real, and Youngbin pulled away, and Alex had no idea for how long they had kissed.

Okay.

Alright.

Youngbin immediately pulled his hand away from Alex’ face as though he didn’t want to touch him for a second longer than necessary. No longer than the script told him to. Now what did the next line in that script say again?

Alex looked up, and Leia had already turned around and stomped away. She had a shit day, so much was obvious, and now the fake couple had made it worse. Which was kind of horrible of them to do, but not that horrible. Only a bit. Whatever, that didn’t matter.

Well, it did matter actually, Leia’s reaction to all of this was kinda the only thing that mattered, and what didn’t matter were Youngbin’s big sparkling eyes and reddened cheeks, but Alex now paid more attention to them anyways. For some fucking reason.

“Sor-”

“Don’t,” Alex quickly interrupted Youngbin, and now, finally, they let go of eachother.

“I just didn’t mean to do that again.” Youngbin took a small step back, and a thick raindrop that had rolled down a willow branch now landed on his glasses with a splat.

“But it’s working.” Alex looked back into the direction that Leia had left into. She was gone already.

“I suppose it does.” He sighed, and Alex couldn’t help but think back to last Saturday. How much Youngbin wasn’t comfortable with himself, how much he struggled with the thought of him being gay, and yet he’d present himself as Alex’ boyfriend, yet he’d kiss him. And he kissed him well.

Maybe it was supposed to be exposure therapy. To come out and to be all gay and to kiss Alex on the lips and gently caress his cheek and all of that stuff. Well, as long as it was helping?

“Now do that same thing in front of your parents tomorrow,” Alex joked, when he didn’t mean to.

“I think I’d like to keep my head on my shoulders for now, so I don’t think I will.” He smiled again, looked a little less tired, a little less dead, and he smiled.

Margo stared at Alex with her terrifyingly blue eyes as if she was trying to pierce him. She’d been doing this for exactly three weeks now, like she could stare directly into Alex’ brain and read his thoughts and figure out all his secrets, but today it was especially… intense.

When the break was over, Alex had escorted his fake boyfriend back to class, and then he’d decided to return to the regular spot, the little unused bike shelter behind the gym. Margo had decided on the same, and now she was sitting on top of the wall, and Alex leaned next to her, and he scrolled through Instagram, and Margo was watching his every movement.

“So,” she finally said, and as sweet her voice was, her tone didn’t promise a pleasant conversation. “Leia didn’t look so happy today.”

“Why do you care about Leia?” Alex didn’t look up in an attempt to seem so damn cool and unbothered.

“I don’t care, I just noticed.” Margo cleared her throat. “There’s murder in her eyes lately.”

“‘Cause she’s bitter.” Alex liked the same Instagram post for the 3rd time now. “Some people take longer to cope with a breakup than others.”

“My fucking god, Alex. I’m not a fan of this. Like this entire thing, sorry, I know I’m all in for messy breakup gossip, but this-”

“What exactly, Margo?” Alex finally turned off his phone, crossed his arms as he turned around to Margo, looking up to her. She crossed her arms the same way, just that she looked more intimidating doing so, somehow.

“Everything, you and Leia, you and Youngbin, this whole deal. Everything went way too fast, and way too convenient for you.” Alex didn’t respond, just looked down. “You know I love you but I’ll also call you out if I’m smelling bullshit. And I’m smelling like, a lot.”

So that was it. Exactly three weeks it had worked, but Margo was a little too good at reading Alex and now she’d figured it all out, and she’d call him out, and then Alex would realise how bad he was at all of this in the first place, and then Alex would die, that was a possibility.

“Not sure if you’re doing it on purpose, and if you do, fuck you, but it feels like you’re with Youngbin just because… It’s convenient, and you’re touch starved, and he’s got a lot of money.”

Okay, not quite. Convenient, yes, but for both of them, that was the whole purpose of a deal, it was beneficial for both. Touch starved, maybe, it wasn’t like Alex realised that he was, in fact, touch starved, but now after kissing him, now that the softness of Youngbin’s lips still lingered on his, maybe that was true, and he really was touch starved in a really desperate and embarrassing way.

Now that money thing, though-

“Wait. What do you mean, he’s got a lot of money?”

“Are you dumb?” Yes, but he didn’t feel the need to answer that. “He literally wore Burberry today.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“No normal person wears fucking Burberry to highschool, Alex!”

“Genuinely don’t know what you’re saying.”

“And I've seen him wear a Vivienne Westwood necklace. He has to be insanely rich, come on now.”

“Okay.” Alex blinked at Margo, raising his brows. “I didn’t even know that? How am I supposed to date him for his money then?”

“What I’m saying is that I don’t think this is a genuine relationship, and it worries me. Like, I’m worried about both you and Youngbin. Because you’re acting like some kind of player and I don’t think he deserves that.”

Now, that actually offended him. Alex wasn’t a player. He might’ve once been one, by accident, but not now, not anymore, and especially not with Youngbin. He wouldn’t ever play him, hurt him.

“And I think you deserve either a relationship that you can take seriously, or no relationship at all so you can just focus on you.”

Alex pressed his lips together. She sounded like Lani. He wanted to hit her back with some snarky remark, some kind of comeback, some ‘you’re wrong’. But, really, there wasn’t much to say. He probably did deserve to just be single for a while. Well, he was single. And soon, in a couple of weeks, he’d be even more single.

And then Alex would take her advice to heart and focus on himself, no Leia, no relationships, just him. Then he could say ‘You’re right, I’ll have some me time!’, but until then he very much had to focus on this ‘relationship’, and on Leia, and on Youngbin, and on making Margo believe that he was serious, and not falling back into old patterns after his only somewhat long term relationship had shattered into pieces.

“I’m taking this seriously,” he said, now looking Margo directly into her eyes. “And I don’t know why you’d think I’m not. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t meet his parents tomorrow, wouldn’t I?”

“You're shitting me.” Her jaw now dropped. “You’re insane.”

“I’m not insane, I am in love.” Ooh, yeah, that was good. That hit. That was a perfect delivery.

“Yeah, that’s the same thing. No. Alex. What the fuck.”

“I don’t care if you think it’s convenient, but I’m not trying to use him, or hurt him, or play him, or anything like that. I’m happy! I’m doing well! I have a boyfriend and that’s really fucking wonderful, and I’m not sure why you, and Lani as well, are doubting me so much!”

Margo stayed silent now, looked Alex in the eye, then lowered her head with such an expression of concern, maybe sadness, whatever it was, it didn’t look good on Margo’s usually bright face. She pressed her lips together, then, hesitantly, she said:

“Maybe because we haven’t really- seen you do well in a pretty long time?”

And for a second, the world stopped. And a tiny little needle poked Alex right in the heart.

“But I am doing well.”

He was starting to, at least. That one was true. He did, actually, kinda feel as though he was beginning to do well.

Kerning

Chapter 10 - DEJA VU

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