It was seven o'clock in the evening as Emersyn sat in one of the pews at the church, scribbling down her thoughts in a blue spiral notebook. Choir practice had just ended, and she was waiting for Zeke to get there. He told her via text he would meet her at the church when her practice ended. It was Tuesday, and so she hadn't seen him since Sunday night. And she knew how ridiculous it sounded, but to say she was missing him was an understatement. He was in every thought she had all day as she waited to be reunited with him again. And not for the first time, she worried about what would happen if and when he ever decided he wanted to return home to Tulsa. Would he ask her to follow him? Or was this whole relationship nothing more than a summer fling?

She needed to distract herself from thoughts of Zeke leaving her, so she decided to put her mind to the letter she'd been working on since the Fourth of July. No one knew she was writing her mom a letter, and she wasn't sure she wanted to tell anyone. She wasn't even sure she wanted to send it when it was finished. But she needed to get the words out. Needed to express how she was feeling, even if the letter would never reach its recipient. So whenever she had a quiet moment to herself, she pulled out her notebook and began pouring everything she could onto the pages. A few times she would scribble out things she felt didn't make sense, and she'd had to restart the letter six times. But something in her gut told her she had to do this. It was the only way to make her hurt go away.

"Emersyn?" a voice said behind her, pulling her out of her thoughts. She turned around to find Gabe standing a couple feet away, concern written in his brown eyes and etched in the tiny wrinkles of his face. "Is everything okay?"

She gave him a slightly forced smile and nodded her head. "Yes, of course. Why? Do I look like things aren't okay?"

He made a face, and she could tell he was wondering if he should press on or not. Her grandpa had always known when to talk to someone and when to give them space. It was a gift he seemed to acquire after many years as a pastor. Gabe was still a bit inexperienced, and so she imagined he hadn't picked up that skill yet. But after a few seconds, he gave her a hesitant smile and took a seat beside her in the pews. She subtly closed her notebook, not wanting the new pastor to know what she was writing.

"You know," he said, smiling gently at her. "I know you probably think I'm only here to talk about religion and faith. But that's not necessarily true. We have a history together. Your grandma was my mom's friend. I babysat you when you were little. So I like to think our relationship goes a little beyond pastor and listener. We're friends. And I'm here for you if you ever need to talk. Okay?"

Her throat tightened up at his words, and her eyes stared down at the cover of her spiral notebook. So many words and thoughts. Pages torn out and tossed in the trashcan. And all for what? She knew she wouldn't send the letter. And even if she did, she knew it wouldn't change anything. Her mom was still her mom, and she was still... well, herself. Makayla had her opinions, and they didn't align with Emersyn's at all. And on top of all the words that were said the night of their big argument, there were the words her mom had written in her own journal all those years ago. She never wanted to be a mom anyway. Didn't that tell her all she needed to know?

She took a deep breath. "Has your faith ever waivered?" she asked him, and his eyes widened in surprise. "Not so much in God, but in a person? Like... have you ever believed in someone so much, only to find out they're nothing like what you've always thought they were? Nothing like what you were always told?"

He considered her words silently for a moment, his lips quirked to the side in thought. "To be honest with you, Emersyn, I'm not sure. Humans can be disappointing creatures. I know that much for sure. But I can't say I've ever experienced what you're describing. At least I can't think of anything off the top of my head. But," he continued as her face fell with despair, "just because I've never experienced it for myself, doesn't mean I can't sympathize with you. Or listen to you."

She nodded her head, feeling ridiculous as the tears burned her eyes. "Thank you, Gabe. I sincerely appreciate it. And I might take you up on that eventually. But right now, I think this might be something I need to deal with on my own."

Gabe smiled, and she knew he understood. Just then, they heard someone walk through the church doors, and Emersyn knew Zeke had come at last. She made to stand up to meet him, but Gabe reached for her arm and pulled her attention back to him. "I understand if you don't want to talk to me about it. But, if I may say, I think you should talk to someone. Whether it's your church pastor, a therapist, or...," he paused as Zeke appeared in the doorway. Emersyn felt her face light up the moment she locked eyes with his. "A trusted friend," Gabe finished as Zeke grinned and made his way to Emersyn and Gabe. "Just think about it, okay?"

"I will," she said, and she would. She'd never really had a friend who she would consider talking about her mom to before. Avery and Axel wouldn't understand. Gabe really wouldn't either. Her grandparents and Kiel had always been much too close to the situation. But something in her heart told her that she could talk to Zeke. That he would listen to her. That he would understand her better than anyone she'd ever met before. Sometimes when she looked at him, she remembered her grandma's old Greek story about how people were destined to search for their other halves for the rest of eternity. And when she looked at Zeke, she felt it in him. The other half of her own beating heart. Humming in tune to the same music as her own. "Thanks, Gabe," she said, and she meant it.

He nodded his head and rose to his feet. "Anytime, Emersyn." Then he lifted his hand in greeting. "Good evening, Mr. Thatcher. Hope you're well?"

Zeke grinned at Gabe as he intertwined his fingers with Emersyn's. "I'm very well, thank you, Pastor. Just here to pick up my girl." My girl. Emersyn's heart fluttered at his words. Sometimes being with him felt like a dream, and this was definitely one of those times. "How are you today?"

Gabe gave him a polite smile. "I'm doing quite well," he answered. "I actually should get going. Believe it or not, I have a date tonight."

Zeke's eyes widened in surprise. "Whoa. That's great. Umm...," he looked at Emersyn, like he had a question he didn't know how to ask. "Is that... allowed?"

Gabe threw his head back and started laughing. "I apologize. I shouldn't laugh. I believe you're thinking of Catholic Priests, who are, strictly speaking, not permitted to marry. Baptist pastors, on the other hand, are permitted to marry and have families. Emersyn's grandfather was the pastor of this church before he passed away, and he was married to her grandmother for many years. They also had one son together."

Her father. She felt like someone wrapped a hand around her heart and squeezed every time someone mentioned her dad. And it had gotten worse since his birthday and the talk she'd had with Kiel. Maybe Gabe was right. Maybe she should talk to someone about how she was feeling. Get it all off her chest.

Zeke smacked his hand against his forehead. "Right. You know, I knew that, too. Sorry. I shouldn't ask stupid questions, huh?"

But Gabe only smiled. "No question is a stupid question. You may ask anything you wish of me." He briefly checked the time on his watch. "But maybe another time? Don't want to be late, after all."

Zeke grinned. "Of course. You have a wonderful evening, sir. I'll see you on Sunday at church."

Gabe nodded his head. "See you on Sunday. And Em," he said, capturing her attention once more. "Remember what we talked about, okay?" Before she could reply, he made his way out the doors, leaving Emersyn alone with Zeke.

"Hey," Zeke said, and Emersyn looked up at him. "What was that about? Everything okay?" There was concern in his eyes, and she didn't want him to worry about her. So she smiled and nodded her head, stepping up to plant a quick kiss on his cheek.

"Everything is perfectly fine," she replied, and he grinned softly at her as he stroked her face with his fingers. "Come on. Let's get out of here."

Hand in hand, they exited the church together, neither one saying anything, choosing instead to fall in a comfortable silence. Emersyn felt so warm at his touch, and every so often he would squeeze her fingers with his own, sending a shiver down her spine. She was in love, and it felt amazing. Like the feeling of the blades of grass under her feet on a warm summer day. A light breeze caressing her face. Butterflies dancing in the wind. And the smell of a warm rain in the distance. That's what love felt like to her. The absolute perfect day.

And yet, in the back of her mind, she could feel something dark brewing. Heavy. Like a hurricane, blowing all her feelings around and making everything more intense. For a couple months, her mom's journal was a constant cloud above her head. She couldn't get it out of her mind, no matter how hard she tried. Those words haunted her. Reminded her of the greatest failure in her life. Disappointing her mother. Not being someone worthy of her mother's love. Not being wanted. Her whole life, all she ever wanted was to be someone her mother could be proud of. And now she knew her mother never would be proud of her. Would never want her. Because she'd never wanted kids in the first place.

"Emersyn?" Zeke asked, pulling her out of her thoughts. She forced another smile and looked up at him, but he didn't seem happy at all. "You look... like something isn't right. And with what the pastor said back at the church... is there something you want to talk about? Because I told you before that you can talk to me about anything. I'm always here for you."

A lump rose in her throat, and she wasn't sure she would be able to swallow it back this time. "Can we go to the beach for a bit?" she asked him. They were so close to her house, but the thought of being in the same space as that journal was too much for her in that moment. It was like a poltergeist wreaking havoc upon her life. Her heart. "I want to look up at the stars for a while. Do you mind?"

He stared at her for a second, as if checking for visible signs of damage. Then he gave her a soft smile and said, "Of course we can go to the beach. Actually, that reminds me. In a few weeks, there's supposed to be a meteor shower. I know how much you love the stars, so I thought you might want to check it out? I've never seen a meteor shower before, but I would love to have that experience with you. If you'll have me."

Meteor shower. The park. The fire. Her eyes stung, and she fought hard against the tears. She wanted to answer him. To tell him yes, she would love to watch a meteor shower with him. But the memory of her dad, the only true memory she actually had of him, was of them watching a meteor shower together as a family. It was the night he died, which was probably why she remembered it so vividly. It was a pleasant memory laced in trauma. All she had left. She didn't answer Zeke, and she knew she was probably hurting his feelings by not responding. But she couldn't talk. If she spoke, she would break. And she had to keep it together. To be strong.

They walked to the beach and found a quiet spot to rest in the sand. Emersyn stared up at the stars, searching the skies for the images and trying to remember the stories from her childhood. But too many memories were popping in her head. Meteor showers and flames and that awful argument she had with her mother. The angry words thrown back and forth. And that damn journal with the truth stained in black ink. It was all coming back to her, and now she had nothing to distract herself from it. No gravestones to clean. No long dead father to search for. Nothing to drown out all her anxieties and insecurities. And now they were flooding back to her, gnawing at her soul from the inside out like a dog with a bone.

"Okay, I need to know something," Zeke said beside her. "And I know how self-centered this is going to sound, so I apologize in advance. But you're not upset over something I did, are you? Because if you are, please tell me. I can't handle this silence. Let me fix it."

"It's not you," she replied finally, and she hated how awkward and throaty her voice sounded. Like someone had taken her usual voice and crushed it in the garbage disposal. "But you can't fix it. Nothing can fix it."

He rolled over on his side to look at her. She blinked a little too hard and felt a rogue tear slide down her cheek. A small sob escaped her lips as he brushed the tear away gently with his fingers. "Emersyn," he whispered, stroking her hair softly. "What's going on?"

She sucked in a breath of air. "My mom abandoned me when my dad died. Never reached out. Never sent a birthday card or a letter. No phone calls. Nothing. Radio silence until I was fifteen and my grandma got sick. Then I moved in with her, expecting everything to change. But nothing did. It was still silent. Still no contact. Other than pushing college on me. And after one year of college, I dropped out. When I told her, she went ballistic on me."

A frown tugged on the corner of his lips. "What did she say?" he asked, and she thought back to that terrible night. The night before she'd fled Seattle and made her way back to Whidbey Island.

"It was ugly," she said through a cry. "She told me she was disappointed in me. That I was a loser. That my dad was probably rolling in his grave at my failures. I told her... I said if anyone had disappointed my dad, it was her. She left their daughter for twelve years, and only came back when there was no other choice. That I was ashamed of her. That I... I wish she would've died instead of him."

A silence so heavy fell over them, and it was like she was suddenly suffocating under a fifty pound blanket. "Oh, Emersyn," he said, and his warm fingers were little comfort to her now as she sobbed. "I am so sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve any of that."

She shook her head. "It gets worse. When I came back, I started going through stuff in the garage. Cleaning things out. My grandma was a bit of a hoarder, and I wanted to try to donate some of her stuff to the church. And I found an old journal that belonged to my mom. She had an affair, Zeke. She was seeing another man named Ed. Sleeping with him. She got pregnant, and then had an abortion. Her reason? She never wanted to be a mom anyway."

"Em...." He said, and she could hear the pain in his voice.

"So she never wanted me," she cried, the tears falling freely now as snot accumulated at the base of her nose. "That's the truth of it. I spent my whole life praying for a woman to come back to me who never even wanted me. And she's all I have left. My grandparents are gone. My dad is gone. It's just her now. And she hates me, Zeke."

He pulled her to him and wrapped his arms around her as she cried into his chest. "I had no idea you were going through all of that," he whispered as he ran his fingers through her long ginger hair. "Did you ever tell anyone? Kiel?"

She shook her head. "No. I don't know how to tell him. He's so close to it. My parents were his best friends. And Avery and Axel wouldn't understand at all. They have each other, and they have their own parents. They don't know what it's like to feel completely alone. And Kiel would tell me I'm not alone. That I have him. But it's different. Yes, I love him. But it's different. My mom, who is supposed to love me unconditionally, chose to leave me behind. Because she never loved me at all. How messed up must I be, huh? My own mother hates me."

"You aren't messed up at all," he replied. "Seriously, Emersyn, you aren't. You are this incredibly talented, beautiful, smart, funny woman. I am crazy about you. I've been in love with you for a couple months now, and I've been fighting my feelings. Don't fight yours. You have a right to feel the way you want to feel, but I want you to know that it has nothing to do with who you are. It's all about her. She's the one who's messed up."

She heard his words, and she understood what they meant. But deep down, she wasn't sure she believed him. Over and over, she would toss and turn on sleepless nights and relive that terrible argument. She would have nightmares about it. And she felt like such a disappointment. Such a loser. The only time she ever felt remotely at peace was when she was with Zeke. Even her art felt frantic and wild, like a force that needed to come out of her. She only felt calm when she was with him.

"When Kiel and I spent the day together for my dad's birthday, I started thinking about writing my mom a letter," she said, her voice slightly muffled by his chest. She rubbed the tears out of her eyes and glanced up at him. "I've been working on it ever since. Writing it and rewriting it. Sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I'm hurt. And every time I start over, I wonder what the point is. I doubt I'll ever send it. I don't know if I could. I just need to get the words out. But I don't know what they are."

He pressed his lips to her forehead softly, and then said, "Maybe that's the problem." She furrowed her brow in confusion. "Maybe you can't get the right words out because in your mind you don't ever plan on sending it to her. Maybe you need to send it to her. And maybe you have to know you're going to. If you tell yourself you're going to send it, then maybe the right words will come."

What he said made sense. A lot of sense. Too much sense. She didn't know if she had enough courage to actually send a letter to her mother. But maybe he was right. Maybe if she stopped telling herself she wasn't going to send it, then the words would come. And then... well, then she would have to send it. It might open a can of worms she wasn't ready to deal with, but maybe it was exactly what she needed. She had to find a way to give herself closure, because the grief she was feeling in her heart made it feel like she was always carrying around a fifteen pound bowling ball. She had to let it go. For her own sake.

"Thanks for being here with me tonight," she said, her voice nasally and her eyes still wet with tears. He leaned down and pressed his warm lips against hers, and then began stroking her hair with his fingers. She closed her eyes, enjoying his touch and that sense of peace he always somehow managed to give her. She didn't know when she would be able to feel this way again. Especially if she actually did send the letter. So she decided it was best to just relax and savor the calm before the storm. Her eyes fluttered softly, and after a few moments of his gentle strokes, she found herself drifting off to sleep to the sound of the soothing waves brushing against the sand.

Chapter Twenty-Eight

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