It’d been two days. Long, cold, drawn out days. Exhausting days that Alex had spent in his own head. His own bed, rather.

Margo and Lani had picked him up from Youngbin’s place on Sunday. He hadn’t really said a word, and pretended like it’d just been the hangover. Margo noticed. Lani would’ve noticed as well, if it wasn’t for her own hangover and the fact that she had to collect every single brain cell left in that damn car to drive Alex home safely.

And then, things had happened exactly as he’d expected them to happen. Shitty sandwich, a shower that had taken way too long because his soul briefly left his body, a look into the mirror, an urge to shatter his reflection, and then, the fall. A long, long fall into the cold, unloving embrace of his own bed.

A lonely bed. Sheets that probably needed a change by now. They didn’t smell as clean and fresh and comfortable as Youngbin’s. His blanket wasn’t as soft as the woollen one Youngbin had either. Alex’ pillows weren’t as fluffy and comfortable and not nearly as colourful.

And yet, he’d managed to fall asleep in that sad lonely bed at some point. Not instantly, not any time soon, it took hours, probably, Alex hadn’t really checked the time at all that entire day.

He just kind of rotted. Slowly. Staring up. In silence, for the most part. At some time, he’d put on one of his vinyls. He didn’t have many, a small collection he’d started because Lani gifted him her old record player. He wasn’t as good at taking care of it as she was. His favourite record had already warped, scratched a little. Not that that was bad. He didn’t listen to vinyls for pristine sound, after all.

Maybe the fact that this precious small collection had already been damaged to some extent just made it feel even more right. More fitting to whatever situation Alex was in. Sad. A weird kind of sad that he hated but didn’t want to do anything about. Just a weird sting in his chest. A splinter in his heart.

It was okay, actually, it was quite okay like this. A welcome emotion. More welcome than- well, than what? Loneliness? Than anger, maybe. Because it was loneliness. Most definitely, Alex felt terribly lonely. All he wanted was to go back, to the moment Youngbin kissed him, or maybe the moment just before that.

Oh, he missed Youngbin. Already. How pathetic, to miss someone you’d seen that day, and would see again in a day. But he could live with being pathetic, he had some experience in that already. And so, Alex fell asleep missing Youngbin.

And then, Alex woke up missing school. Not that he’d usually wake up in time for school, on Monday out of all days, but he was extra late. He would’ve checked his phone to see the time, but it’d been dead since sometime on Sunday. He wasn’t sure how long it took to load and turn back on, because he couldn’t check the time, but once it was usable again, it was noon.

Well. Fine. Making his way to school now wasn’t really worth the effort. Lani and Margo could live without him for today. Maybe Youngbin could as well. Hopefully he could.

His old phone took a while to catch up with notifications when it had turned on again, but when it did, he was met with a couple of missed messages. Margo asking where he was, mostly, and Youngbin asking how he felt. Both of these questions were answered easily.

» slept in, feeling like shit lol «

That was what he graced the group chat with, followed by eye rolling emojis and no surprise. For Youngbin, of course, he decided to answer his worries a little differently.

» i think im still hungover lol

dont worry tho 👍 im back tomorrow «

And back he went, to the place he hated but was most familiar. His shitty mind. Back to thinking about being around Youngbin instead of actually physically being there with him. He didn’t do much else that day. At least nothing that he’d remember the next day.

And he didn’t remember. He’d probably fallen asleep a couple more times, but the times he was awake between these naps were hazy. You’d think he would’ve felt rested on the following day, a cool Tuesday, after all that sleep. He didn’t. Well, when had Alex ever felt rested?

The cold hurt his eyes, and even though thick grey clouds hung over the sky and blocked the sun, the lighting was uncomfortable, bright, strangely unnatural, and whenever Alex lifted his head just a little, he’d squint. The mud underneath him made a horrible sound as his feet shifted, wet and sticky and fucking disgusting. October was meant to be beautiful, wasn’t it?

What about this was beautiful, exactly? About the dirt splashing up his legs with every heavy step, about the sun being drowned out completely, about wet rotting leafs on wetter ground, about that strange drizzle that couldn’t commit to being actual rain, actual thick drops, and instead opted to being some weird spray that got blown right into his face whenever a gust of wind made it fall almost horizontally.

Halloween was coming in exactly one week. Until then, the weather had to decide if it wanted to be a threatening thunderstorm or a golden sunshine. Not this weird switch up of temperatures.

Now, Alex could complain about shitty weather as much as he wanted to. He’d still consciously decided to go outside and stand behind the gym and do nothing. As always. If only he smoked, he’d at least have a proper excuse to stand here. But he literally was not doing a damn thing, just leaning there against that stupid brick wall, in the exact same spot as always.

And Margo was with him. As always.

She leaned next to Alex, for once not having climbed onto the wall to make herself significantly taller than him. She had a short break, actually, and graced him with her presence. There probably also was an ulterior motive to this, though. Based on the look on her face, at least.

For two minutes, she’d remained quiet as she leaned there and scrolled through her phone, then, finally, she let it slip into the pocket of her hoodie. Margo sighed. A bad kind of sigh. She was about to say something that Alex wasn’t going to like.

“So.” Bad start. “About you and Youngbin.” Even worse. Alex rolled his eyes, turned his head away a little.

“Yeah? What about us?”

“Yes, what about you? What’s the plan? When are you telling him?”

“Telling him what?”

“That you actually like him?”

Alex bit his lip, turned his head further. He hadn’t thought about that question just yet, but he didn’t have to. The answer was already there.

“Not at all.” He was met with a sigh. “Why would I tell him?”

“So you can work this out? So you can stop with the fake stuff and get to it? Because you’re like, very obviously not doing so well because you’re into him?”

“Come on. Not much to work out, is there? It’s not like he-” I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. “We wouldn’t really… You know. We wouldn’t actually get together. He’s not really into me like that.”

“And how do you know?” Margo leaned forward to better look at Alex’ face, who’d tried very hard to dodge her gaze.

“Because he said so.” He’d assured him that he didn’t see Alex like that. Had practically begged to believe him. Had told him over and over and over again. Alex still wasn’t sure what he should believe, Youngbin’s words or his lips.

“Oh? And when did he tell you?”

Now Alex hesitated. If he told Margo- Oh, she’d flip out on him. And on Youngbin. And then she’d say something very honest and very hurtful and Alex wasn’t sure if he could take honesty right now.

“Well-” He cleared his throat. “We kind of- Well. I guess-”

“Alex.” Her voice now lost some of its sweetness, and it rang in Alex’ ears, painfully so. “What happened? What did your drunk ass do after that party?”

Now that was the problem. He didn’t do anything. At least not while he was drunk, no, it was a sober thing, fully aware and awake and it wasn’t even something Alex did, but Youngbin. It wasn’t the bad idea of a sad drunk guy, it was the bad idea of-

“We kinda kissed.”

Margo fell silent, and Alex finally turned his head back to her. Furrowed brows and piercing eyes demanded him to continue. But he wasn’t going to say anything. He’d said enough. Margo could piece together the rest by herself. Alex really didn’t want to do it for her.

“What’s kinda kissing? Alex? What happened?” She sounded like a mother, or what he assumed what a mother was supposed to sound like. Alex just shrugged, then turned his head away again.

“Dude.” She pressed on. “Alex. What happened?”

“We kissed. I told you.” His voice had turned flat. “That’s it.”

“That very obviously isn’t it. Did you kiss him and he rejected you?”

No. Worse.

“No- Does it matter?”

“It does, obviously, to you. Oh my god, Alex.” Margo didn’t sound angry a lot. Alex had assumed that she’d trained her voice to leave no trace of anger within it, but now, it showed. “I’m trying to help you here. You’re ruining yourself with this, man. If you just talked to us about it once without being drugged, maybe we could help? We’ve been worried sick! You know how bad Lani’s been doing? Because you won’t talk to us? To her, especially?”

“God, it’s fine! I’m fine, I’ll sort this out on my own, I’ll get over it!” Truthfully, he didn’t want to get over it. At least not alone. But sometimes his mouth talked without his permission, sometimes his hands let go without him wanting them to, sometimes his heart shut itself off even though it was screaming for company. That’s how Alex was built. Like a defensive asshole that locked himself in when he needed someone the most.

“Just let us help you. Or, even if you don’t want help, let us in.” I’m trying, I’m trying, I’m trying-

“There’s nothing for you to see.”

“Oh, I’m seeing a lot. So does Lani. And you know what? You haven’t even told her a damn thing, but she at least deserves to be told what she’s seeing.”

“So she can worry sick as well over something that isn’t worth worrying about?” Alex’ voice had started to become sharper again. Security measurements. A safe keeping system that was keeping nobody safe and everybody wounded.

“Alex, why won’t you just tell her-”

“Tell me what?”

Alex’ heart stopped, and Margo pressed her lips together. She exhaled through her nose, turned around to face Lani. The girl’s arms were crossed, her thin brows raised up as she stepped towards them.

“Nothing,” Alex said quickly, averting his looks from his best friend. Because that sure was a sign that he had nothing to hide.

“My time to go to class,” Margo murmured, shooting one last gaze at Alex- Not a mad one, but maybe a pleading one. Something so filled with disappointment that his heart sank. And it threatened to just evaporate when he looked back up to Lani.

“What are you doing here?” Alex tried to look everywhere except for her green eyes.

“I have a free period? As always? I was gonna go to the library but- Well, came here instead. Good timing, it looks like?” Oh, the worst timing ever. “What’s up?”

“Nothing.” Alex crossed his arms, stared to the ground, closed himself.

“I don’t think that’s correct.”

“There’s nothing to s-”

“Do you… know how worried Margo and I have been for you?”

“Well, yeah, because it’s the only thing Margo’s talking about. But there’s literally nothing you need to worry about. It’s pretty fucking irritating, actually. I’m fine, and all you guys do is question me. You can’t even just enjoy life anymore because you’re pretending like there’s something wrong with me.”

“Alex.” Lani stood in front of Alex like a tower reaching into the sky, a shadow about to swallow him up. “It’s Youngbin, isn’t it?”

He kept his mouth shut, didn’t have the energy to deny it. His mouth wouldn’t open, not to say yes, nor to say no. But it wasn’t Youngbin. Alex didn’t feel like he should be blaming Youngbin for- everything. That was all himself, all Alex.

“Yeah. I knew it. Something’s wrong.” She nodded slowly, the silence had answered her question. “And I can't figure out what it is. But apparently Margo already knows.”

Her lips were pressed together into a thin black line. Frustration was written on her face, so clearly. Disappointment. The face of someone who was very clearly being lied to by their best friend of over a decade.

No, it wasn’t a lie, it wasn’t- It was an act. Acting. Not a lie, not a lie, not a damn lie. Oh, Alex knew it was, though. He knew that he was lying, and it made him feel like an asshole, so he decided to be ignorant instead. Decided that it was a performance, and that Lani was part of the audience.

“So?” Lani tilted her head in anticipation, and Alex realised that he had fallen completely silent. He really wasn’t making it easy for himself. “Am I allowed to know as well? Or are we just gonna stare at each other?”

If he had the choice, he would’ve preferred to just stare. He knew that he didn’t have one though. That he had to tell her now. Or else Margo would. Or she’d figure it out by herself. He wasn’t sure which of the two was worse.

“We’re not together,” Alex blurted out, unsure how to even explain this anymore. He’d felt stupid when he first told Youngbin his plan, he’d felt stupider when Margo had found out, and now, with all the revelations, all those turns, all those new emotions attached to it, how the fuck was he supposed to tell Lani without sounding like a lunatic?

“So you broke up.” There was the smallest change within Lani’s expression, her brows furrowing.

“No, we- I’m sorry. We were never together in the first place, kinda.” As expected, he sounded insane. And he was about to make it a lot worse. “It’s kind of like a bit to make people think-”

“Think what, exactly?”

That I’m not a loser, that I’m over her, that I’m desirable, that I’m not any of the things you know I am.

“We just wanted to make people think that we’re dating. So, you know, so people could leave him alone, and- and people would leave me alone about Leia and stuff. Kind of a deal, you know.”

Now Lani’s face dropped, her expression became near emotionless. She bit the inside of her cheek, then looked at Alex to signal him to go on. She was waiting for more, and he had no idea what else he was supposed to say.

“So, yeah, that’s it. We’re just two friends, I guess. It’s not real. There.”

She didn’t answer. Maybe she wanted him to say even more. What, though? What exactly was she waiting to hear? That was the truth, the whole- most of the truth. Alex and Youngbin were fake. And there was a whole lot more behind it, but Alex didn’t have to tell her that, right?

“And you didn’t tell me.” Lani’s voice was cold, and monotone, and deep. A rumble. A thunder. Alex was hoping for lightning to strike him now.

“I didn’t tell anyone,” he quickly added, but Lani just huffed, and broke her eyes away from Alex for the first time.

“You told Margo.”

“She kind of- She figured most of it out by herself, so-”

“But she knew and I didn’t.”

“You know she’s a smart ass. I-I wasn’t going to tell her, she just figured out that something was up and then-”

“Well, yeah, something was up, I could’ve told you that as well.”

“But you didn’t ask-”

“Because, Alex, whenever I ask, you don’t answer. I’ve told you that I’m worried but all you ever do is pretend like it’s fine. At some point I don’t know why I even try to figure out what’s going on when you won’t ever tell me.”

Alex didn’t say anything, tried to look down, but something forced him to look up to Lani, right into her eyes. They looked sad. Probably. Or angry. Or disappointed. It was hard to tell, but they had dulled, certainly.

“If you want me to ask, here I am. I’ll ask you. What’s up with you and Youngbin? Because what you told me isn’t all there is to it, I know that. What the fuck is going on?”

So much, too much.

Alex was in love with Youngbin and he was constantly torn between wanting him and his closeness and his skin against his own, and wanting to be as far away from him as possible.

Alex was scared of Youngbin because what they had was so good but not enough and Alex was going to become greedy again, and ruin it all.

“Nothing.” It was a reflex. Automation.

Lani sighed, turned her head away, seemed as if she was collecting her thoughts for a second. She didn’t look at Alex when she spoke.

“I just don’t get why you keep lying to me.”

“I’m not-”

“Oh, you’re not, no. Of course not. Because faking a whole relationship in front of your best friend isn’t a lie. Because you’re totally not pretending to be alright all the time. Because telling me that you’re in this happy amazing relationship isn’t a fucking lie at all, right?”

“I’m just- we’re putting on an act, that’s-”

“Fuck your act, Alex, really. It’s a lie. It’s all been a fucking lie for a month straight. And apparently Margo was allowed to know, but not me. I just don’t get it. Do you know how shitty this is? Do you know how much that hurts?”

“There just wasn’t a chance to tell you, okay? I didn’t know the right timing-” Alex wasn’t sure why he was defending himself, or trying to. He never knew. He always did, though, sometimes the words came out of his mouth without his permission.

“The right timing was the day that it happened. One quick message to the group chat. The right timing was when we were sitting together and you told us about how much you loved your new boyfriend. There were so many damn moments where you could’ve told us- Told me. But the thing is, you didn’t even plan on telling me. You were just going to string me along the whole time if I didn’t show up today, right?”

Alex still stared right at Lani’s face, her expressions still unchanging and uncaring and cold. Too calm. Her voice had turned tired. That was her kind of anger. He didn’t say a word.

“Why am I the one who gets left out of it, exactly? Do you think I’d tell someone else? Do you think I’d spill your secrets?”

“It was- I mean, nobody was supposed to know. Like a prank-”

“Pranks are supposed to be fucking funny, Alex. Has this been any fun? Not to me, or to Margo. Not even to you, you’re fucking miserable! You got your ass beaten because of it! This isn’t a prank or a joke or a bit! It’s fucking you up, I can tell that much.”

“I didn’t want to worry you.” Excuse after excuse after excuse. Alex needed to say anything. Anything that wasn’t you’re right and I’m wrong.

“Too late, I’m worried. I’ve been since the beginning. I’ve been trying to figure out why you were so miserable and why everything in your life was going to shit because you never fucking tell me. If only you’d been open with me for once, I could’ve helped-”

“Maybe-” His voice had snapped into that disgusting tone again, that warning signal, that plea to just be left alone. “I just didn’t want your help! Maybe I just don’t need it! Maybe it just wasn’t important enough to tell you! Maybe, if you just let me be and stopped acting like an obsessive parent, I could fix things by myself without everyone constantly telling me that there’s something wrong with me! I know there is, so just let me fucking handle it.”

“Oh, yeah, because you always fix your shit all by yourself, right?” Lani’s head snapped back to stare at him. “Because you’re so fucking good at fixing shit. You get drunk and high and one of these days you’re gonna throw yourself off a roof and call it fixed. We’re trying to help, Alex, we love you. I’ve always cared about you and always ripped myself open to make sure you’re fine and it’s still not-” She inhaled, or maybe gasped for air. “Whatever. Okay. Cool. You’re right, then.”

Her gaze lowered, finally. Taking one step back, slowly, she turned to the side ready to leave.

“Handle it yourself. Handle it without me or Margo. Fix your shit. Sorry for bothering you.”

She turned around. Alex watched. She turned away from him. Lani turned away. She took a step. Another one. She was leaving. Lani was leaving.

“I like him,” Alex called, as though that confession would make her turn and stay. She didn’t. She stopped, looked over her shoulder, looked him in the eye for a mere second.

“Yeah. I had guessed that much.” She continued to walk away. “So fix it by yourself.”

I don’t know how to. He didn’t have to say that. She knew. She knew exactly that he couldn’t fix a fucking thing without her. But she was leaving. She’d left. She was gone.

Lani was gone now.

Alex inhaled, then held his breath. For one second, another, a couple more, until he felt dizzy. Leaning against the wall behind him, he exhaled. There he was. Alone. All alone. Lani was gone. Lani. Something hit him, slowly at first, a pressure on his chest. Then heavier. Then faster. A wave. Lani just turned around and left.

Wait. No, wait. Come back. Alex wanted to push himself off the wall and run after her and beg her to stay and say sorry a thousand times and say that she was right, about everything, as she always was. But his legs were glued in place. Something held him back and kept him from fixing a single damn thing, like it wanted everything to break and shatter and fall apart.

Maybe that was what he deserved after all. For things to break. Maybe he had to shatter things a million times until he’d realise that he couldn’t fix things. That was the way for him to learn that the shit he did had consequences.

Keeping things from Lani had consequences, lying to her and following his damn urge to always try to be right had consequences. He’d break friendships that had lasted for a decade, he’d strain a relationship that, for so many years, had been the only fucking constant in his life.

There were consequences for letting those instincts of a hurt wolf take over and bite whenever he felt threatened. He had to pay a price for being an asshole, for wanting to be the one to come out on top. For letting words come out of his mouth that he didn’t mean, or maybe did mean, in some way, deep down.

And what else had he ruined? What else was he forced to live with? Choosing to give into his stupid meaningless crush on Leia had consequences of losing a girl he considered his friend, turning her into a villain when for so long she’d been the only one who really, really got him. That was his fault, and he hadn’t learned from it.

And now there was Youngbin. And he loved Youngbin. How painful that word felt, how threatening, because he knew exactly that everything that had happened before was going to happen again, he knew that love was that fucking thing that was going to make him lose Youngbin.

He should’ve learned from the last time. Should’ve known to act differently. He just didn’t know how to act instead. He didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know how to fix this. Maybe Lani could’ve told him. Maybe Margo could’ve told him. Maybe someone else could’ve told him how to fix things.

But he had to do it by himself. He’d gotten what he had asked for. The consequences of his actions.

He’d lied to Lani, and then to himself, and now he was standing behind the gym alone, walled in, thin droplets of rain spraying his hair and his face and his eyes hurt so fucking much.

Lani didn’t return. Neither did Margo. Nobody did, actually. Alex had spent the rest of the school day alone, with a hurting heart and tears that had welled up in his eyes but been blinked away, and thoughts that raced in his mind, and a heart that felt as though it was going to stop beating anytime now.

He wasn’t sure why exactly he’d even stayed here. He could’ve just fucked off, really. It wasn’t like he was going to go to class today, or like he was going to wait for any of his friends to come by again. They weren’t going to. Not unless he’d call them back, which he wasn’t going to do. Not because he was too proud to do so, but because he was too weak. Too weak to admit it. That he was wrong. That he needed them.

It’d become cold. The bell had rang, a couple of times now, and every time it did, it reminded Alex that he hadn’t moved one bit, that he’d wasted his time standing outside by himself and staring into the sky, or to the ground, or against a wall. Every time the bell rang, he knew that another lesson had passed. Then, the last one rang.

He should have left. Probably. Really. The school grounds should’ve been mostly empty by now, safe for a few students that were unlucky enough to have some more late lessons. Youngbin was one of them.

Now, Alex’ body moved by itself, pushing himself off the wall to finally take steps away from that shithole he’d caught himself in. Like the thought of Youngbin was his sole driving force.

Well, shit, it was. It still was, even after everything that had happened, even after all those promises of nothing being real and everything being accidental and him not ever liking him in any way that wasn’t best friends. Even after all that, Youngbin was the one that made him move after he’d believed to have turned into an ice statue, frozen in place.

Maybe he was gone already. How long had Alex even waited there after the last bell? Maybe he remembered Youngbin’s schedule wrong. Maybe he’d long left, and Alex was going to stand there for hours waiting for him, but it was worth a chance. If he could just catch a glance of him, that’d be all Alex needed.

His steps became longer, and faster, and heavier on the ground beneath him. A couple of people were still walking around the school’s hallways when he entered the building again, though Alex paid them no mind. As long as they weren’t Youngbin, or maybe Lani, they didn’t matter.

He walked past the classroom that Youngbin would’ve occupied. The door had just been locked by the teacher, who took a step back when Alex crossed his path. The school in front of him was left lonely otherwise. The large entry hall was abandoned. The front doors were closed.

Alex leaned against the door to push them open, his body falling against heavy metal, and the cold air bit his face again. The courtyard- Wait. There he was. Through all the grey that had blurred Alex’ vision, he spotted one bright red dot, Youngbin.

He inhaled, hurried down the stairs towards him, then stopped. Wait.

Something shattered. The ice that had grown around Alex’s body after standing still in the cold for so long had broken off, or perhaps melted away when he felt a burn within his chest. He didn’t need this, he didn’t want this, he just wanted to see him and be fine for just a second, and now this. Now everything crashed into him all at once.

Youngbin was talking to someone. That smug fucking face, those eyes that had burnt themselves into Alex’ mind, a gaze so demanding, disgusting, mesmerising. Why was he- Why the fuck was that piece of shit-

“Step the fuck away from my boyfriend, Demian.”

Chapter 23 - AND SO IT DECAYS

0 Comments