It'd been quite a while, had turned late already, late enough for Sohee to be sent to bed soon, and Alex' mouth was dry, maybe from the wine, maybe because he had ended up chatting to William for longer than expected. It wasn't like they had talked about anything terribly deep. William just kind of started to tell Alex about the family, about Youngbin, about little things he didn't know, that he probably should have known.

About how Youngbin had been diagnosed with autism when he was five, and Sohee had been diagnosed when she was eleven, and Dahyeon refused to get screened herself.

About how Youngbin was born in South Korea, moved to the US when he was a baby, and how Dahyeon, for many years, almost exclusively talked to him in Korean whereas William spoke in English, and how they dropped that approach with Sohee a couple of years later.

How Youngbin's obsession with theatre started when he'd seen a play as a child, maybe at age four or so, they're not quite sure anymore, and he wanted to play it as well, so they got him the script of that play, and he'd ask his parents to read it out loud to him so many times that he could recite it by heart.

How he and Sohee would share clothes, and Dahyeon would frequently buy them expensive designer clothes and jewellery, and Sohee didn't like those frail necklaces so Youngbin would wear them.

How Youngbin had wanted a pet for ages, and then he was promised one when he turned fourteen, maybe a hamster or something, but Youngbin had already chosen a snake for reasons that William still hadn't figured out.

And all of these, Alex now thought, were things he should've figured out himself. That Youngbin should've told him. Alex didn't know shit about Youngbin. And it was the same the other way around. Youngbin didn't know a damn thing about Alex, and maybe that was the reason he was still keeping him around. Huh. Damn.

Either way, his mouth was dry, and the dishes were done, and Alex could hear Sohee stomping around upstairs as her mother commanded her around.

"Watch out!" She hissed, and then Sohee didn't watch out very much, and just let out an "Ouch!" and Alex couldn't quite imagine how Sohee managed to hurt herself by pulling out a mattress from a storage room. So, naturally, Alex' nosy ass decided to check for himself.

She'd run into a wall, that was the easy answer. Sohee had lifted an admittedly giant mattress, walked backwards out of the storage room, but missed the door by just a couple of steps. Dahyeon waved her arms around, as if Sohee could see it with the magical eyes on the back of her head, and Youngbin quietly watched, his arms crossed, leaning against the doorframe of his own room.

"Alex, would you help S-"

"I can do it on my own!"

Dahyeon sighed, rubbed her temples and Sohee continued to stumble backwards through the door. The mattress didn't even fit through the narrow doorway, but she seemed to have found a proper method to squeeze it through regardless: Violence. Through groans and hisses, Youngbin supessed a giggle, and Alex decided to lean against the door frame next to him.

"Had a nice chat with dad?"

"I guess." Maybe it had sent him into a couple of existential crises, but there was no need to mention that. "Doing the dishes went well for you?"

Youngbin smiled tiredly, nodded just a bit. It was only now that Alex noticed something. Ah. Woah. He was wearing makeup.

Not a lot. Just a peachy gloss on his lips, a light shimmer in the corner of his eyes, and just barely Alex could spot a bit of soft brown eyeliner. Not a lot, but more than usual. Enough for Alex to notice, and to feel kind of funky about it.

"Did you put on makeup?" Alex asked, almost whispering, though it wasn't like anyone was going to hear them, Dahyeon being too busy trying to stop her daughter from ripping out the door to their storage room.

"Yeah!" Oh, and now he was smiling. "I don't put on that much usually but I thought today might be nice."

"You can do it more often- I mean, not in the, wear makeup or be ugly way, but in the- I mean- I just think you-"

"I'm pretty sure I get what you mean."

"You look pretty."

"Aw." That was Sohee. Standing in front of the two, with that mattress in her arms, and if she would've stood there any longer, she would've fallen over backwards, probably. Alex and Youngbin quickly stepped aside, Youngbin pushing open the door to his bedroom in the process for her to enter.

"You two are so cuuute," she added as she walked in and let the mattress fall to the floor with a thwomp. A grin was plastered on her face, whereas Youngbin's cheeks had turned a bit more rosy. Ah, she was right. He was cute. Oh man. Oh god. Oh fuck. Stop that.

Now, Sohee spinned around, hands behind her back, and looked at the fake couple with her giant round eyes, and Youngbin stared at the floor, and then against a wall, and then at the door he had just opened, and not once at his sister.

"It's so funny because you're so big and Youngbin isn't." Sure was funny. "And you're also looking really strong and Youngbin doesn't." Yeah. Bit cliche, wasn't it. "Can we arm wrestle, by the way?"

"Sohee..." Both Youngbin and his mother now called out to her, one more tired and the other more annoyed.

"I think it's unfair that dad gets to talk to Alex for so long and I don't!"

"You can talk to him tomorrow," Youngbin sighed.

"Oh, boo, you wanna have him all for yourself... Well, have fun, I guess..." Sohee turned around with that, trotting into her own room just on the opposite side of the hallway, parallel to Youngbin's. "Good niiiight," she called through the door.

"Good- night..." Shame. Alex would've loved to destroy her in a single round of arm wrestling.

Dahyeon herself looked quite tired. Alex couldn't blame her, crafting that masterful meal must've been tiring, as so was being guilt tripped by some random asshole at your own dinner table. And yet she smiled, for maybe two or three seconds, and she did so genuinely.

"It was nice to meet you, Alex." She very, very lightly patted Alex' shoulder. "Sleep well. And do not do anything-"

"Good night, mother!" Youngbin interrupted her, pulling her into one quick hug before gently pushing her into the direction of the stairs. "No bed sharing, no sleeping too late, got it, thanks, see you tomorrow, good night!"

"Good night!" Alex called after her, before she sighed and disappeared downstairs.

Youngbin let out one deep exhale as though he'd been holding it the entire evening. And so did Alex. Like something had been pressing against his chest for the past hours, and he had pushed away so much that by now he almost didn't notice it anymore- except when that feeling was suddenly gone, and he could breathe a bit more freely again.

Youngbin stepped into his room, then invited Alex in with a single hand motion. Youngbin's room was very- Well, it was very him. All light, white, with pops of colour few and far between.

It wasn't all that big, especially now that there had been a mattress thrown onto the floor just into the middle of the room, and barely any of the light wooden floor was still visible. His bed took up a shit ton of space as well, not only because it was huge, but also because it was positioned in the middle of the room against the back wall, and perhaps the rest of the space wasn't used quite as efficiently as it could've, but it was a cosy composition nonetheless.

Directly on the wall that the bed was standing against was a window, on the right side was a floor length mirror, then his very clean desk, on the left side was a wardrobe and-

Some kind of glass box, full of rocks and branches and greens and that fucking snake that Youngbin had called his child. Okay. If Alex ignored the fact that there was a snake enclosure in Youngbin's room, maybe he wouldn't mention it again, and maybe Alex would also simply forget about it. So, stare into a different direction. Stare right at Youngbin's cosy ass bed and it's thirty thousand pillows.

"Welcome, I suppose." Youngbin let himself fall on said bed, and he bounced a little. "I didn't clean as much as I should've. I didn't think- you'd stay, you know."

"Neither did I." Alex tried to ignore the 'didn't clean' comment, because he couldn't really tell what exactly was supposed to still be in need of cleaning.

"You don't have anything to wear for sleep, right."

Alex shrugged. He'd slept in his regular clothes a bunch of times. Had slept in belts and spiked collars and leather jackets, with makeup on, with his hair done- if he wanted to fall asleep, he would.

"It's fine."

"I can give you a shirt of mine." Oh. How very boyfriend of him. "But I'll assume none of my pants would fit you, so-"

"I can sleep like this, no big deal."

"How? In jeans? I would die like that." Youngbin jumped up from his bed, opened his perfectly arranged wardrobe. "I'm sure we can find something, maybe I'll ask dad-"

"I can also just sleep in my boxers?"

Now Youngbin froze up.

"I won't let you sleep here in underwear."

"Come on, they're clean and not like, really slutty looking-"

"M-mom is going to kill me. And you as well. Both of us, twice." Youngbin's mother wasn't the only problem, Alex could tell by the colour of Youngbin's ears.

"I promise my dick won't slip out in some strange mysterious way?"

"Alex, I'm killing you." Okay. Okay, okay, that one was on purpose, and he kind of thought that it was pretty damn funny to see Youngbin like that, like- red in the face, and kind of upset, but not in a serious way, but in a cute way- Yeah. Maybe it was kind of fun to tease him just a little. Maybe he had kind of deserved it as well.

Alex pulled off his boots, let himself fall on his assigned roost for the night. The mattress was thick, maybe a bit old but still comfortable. It wasn't like he had a high standard for beds anyways. He fell on his back, crossed his arms as he stared at the ceiling.

"You could also let me sleep naked-"

"You're the worst person on the planet, actually, and I will stab you in your sleep."

"There's a very threatening aura in this room that I'm not vibing with. Lots of violence towards your sexy boyfriend." Alex felt a weight next to him on the mattress.

"My sexy boyfriend needs to shut up."

"Oh, so you do think I'm sexy?"

"I think you're annoying."

"And sexy."

"Who doesn't think that though?"

"So you do think-"

"You already know the answer."

"Do I?"

"I've told you before."

"So why won't you tell me again?"

"Because you'll be annoying about it."

"Being annoying is my best quality, though?"

"I hope we both die in our sleep."

"Is it that hard to tell me I'm sexy?"

"Will you shut up if I do?"

"Maybe."

"You'll have to promise me if you want to hear it that badly."

And Alex turned his head, just to directly face Youngbin, who'd laid down beside him. Close. Oddly close, and probably not on purpose, and he probably didn't think it was that close, judging by his calm smile, gentle and sweet and a little tired.

"Okay. I promise."

"You're hot."

"Yeah, I know." And with that, Alex had officially qualified himself as the most cringe person on the fucking planet. "Sorry."

"You should be sorry." Just when the red tint from earlier had left Youngbin's cheeks, it'd come back, though a little less strong. He'd become so damn cocky, and for what? To make Alex' life harder for fun? When did this even happen? And was it ever going to stop?

Or, and Alex now realised this, he'd always been like this. Maybe that was just what Youngbin was like, and Alex learned about it only now, because really, this was the first time the two were alone. Nobody around them, nobody to act in front of, nobody to misstep in front of. Perhaps this was just... Youngbin. Just him. And Alex liked him. Because he just kinda- fit. Well, fuck.

And now he was on the floor, on a mattress, and Youngbin looked at him, and it was impossible to figure out what he was thinking, but Alex wanted to know really, really badly.

"Should I... go find a pair of pants?" Ah. Still thinking about the horror that is Alex sleeping in underwear. Was that a good or bad sign?

"I'd be too comfortable like this if I were you."

And so Youngbin lingered a couple more seconds, and continued to look at Alex. Not look him in the eye. Just look at him. He scanned his face, just observed it, like one would look at a painting. Study it, look over it, take it in as a whole, Alex could feel it, could feel his gaze on his skin. And he really liked that fucking gaze, and he really was hoping to die on the fucking spot. Shit.

Whatever weird fucking feeling that was, Alex didn't like it very much. So, he turned his head away and stared back into the air. Youngbin still looked at him, he could feel it, but at least he didn't have to see it for himself.

"So," Alex began, now crossing his arms behind his head. "Dinner was pretty good."

"Mom's a good cook."

"Yeah."

"And it-" Alex could hear a smile in Youngbin's voice. "Wasn't too spicy for you?"

"Aw, fuck you..."

"Sorry. I think it's funny when you suffer."

"You've gotten kind of mean, do you know that?"

Youngbin hummed, now moved, getting up from the mattress and it felt oddly empty without his weight next to Alex.

"Maybe you're rubbing off on me." He opened his wardrobe a second time as if a pair of pants had magically manifested inside of it.

"Your dad said that I was a good influence."

"Good is subjective, I suppose." Youngbin huffed as he pulled something out from underneath the neatly folded laundry, then threw it into Alex' face. "Dad's so scared of conflict, he's probably glad that someone's daring to start shit with mom. Maybe he thinks that in the future I could be the one to argue with her in his place."

Oh, Alex sure was an influence. Youngbin had started to mildly swear and say such scandalous things like 'shit'. What a bad boy he'd become.

"About your mom, by the way-" Alex now pulled a shirt from his face, dark blue, probably a little oversized on Youngbin, and probably a little tight on Alex- He quickly made sure that it wasn't designer.

"Don't worry about it. I was kind of hoping you'd snap at her even more. But-" His head sank further into his wardrobe. "The passive aggressive route was good as well. You made her that weird kind of mad when you know that you're in the wrong and kind of angry about it."

Alex sat up, furrowed his brows. So he did want her to be angry at him, to react negatively in some way. If he had known that, Alex wouldn't have put so much effort into being all proper and normal and buying an orchid. He would've just gone in and been the same asshole as he always was.

"Y'know, I tried really hard to not make her any kind of angry, actually." Alex crossed his arms as he turned to Youngbin. "Like that was the best I could do, I swear."

"Pretty impressive, actually. I was sure you'd screw up more." Youngbin hummed as he thought for a second. "Well, that you'd try to screw up more, at least."

"I was trying to un-homophobise your mom, actually, by being a really good son in law and a really normal and respectable gay person, you know?"

Youngbin giggled, gave up searching his piles of clothes for now and instead just let himself fall next to Alex again, onto the mattress, with his back leaning against the frame of his bed. He pulled his legs closer to him, wrapped his arms around them as he stared against his white bedroom door.

"Alex, I think I kind of get it."

"Get what exactly?"

"All of... this? The whole thing of- doing something just to upset someone. How you started all of this just so Leia gets annoyed and angry with you? I think I get it now."

"You mean spite? You like to spite your mom?"

"Well, kind of. I still- I mean, I don't want to disappoint her, but then again I kind of do? Like I know that she's in the wrong for being unsupportive and weird about my sexuality, so I suppose she kind of deserves to feel upset and uncomfortable. I guess I want her to. Even if it's scary."

"You've been doing a lot of scary things lately."

Youngbin nodded first, then actually shrugged as he smiled at Alex.

"You were right, I think. What you told me last week, about telling someone to internalise it more. Exposure therapy. I'll have to do and say things that scare me and make me feel bad to eventually not feel that bad about it anymore."

Was that what he said? Or what he meant? Well, it was the meaning that Youngbin had interpreted into it, and that was good enough. As long as Youngbin had found a use for Alex' words, it didn't matter which words exactly he had said in the first place.

"So, if you're doing exposure therapy... Do you need to be exposed to gay people to get rid of your internalised homophobia?"

"I'm already exposed to you and Kaya every day. Not sure if it's working."

Well, yeah, if it was internal homophobia, maybe he'd expose himself to internal homosexuality. Huh. Maybe that's why he had kissed Alex again yesterday. Maybe that meant that he'd do it even more. Okay. Whatever.

"You know what." Alex stretched out his arms, then gave Youngbin one swift pat on the back. "You're doing pretty well, I think."

"Well, it's nice of you to say that." Youngbin propped up his chin on his knees. "I suppose hearing it from you does make me feel better as well."

"I'd tell you this every day if you'd need me to, Bin."

"Hm." He looked like he thought about it a little. "I guess you could. Or maybe the praise would lose its meaning if you did it too much. You know, if something's rare, it has more impact." He closed his eyes, exhaled as he rubbed his left eye and a little bit of the shimmering eyeshadow on his lid smeared. "Whatever. Do as you please."

"Hm," Alex made, and thought of what he should do that would please him now. And then, he decided on: "You're doing really fucking well, man."

Youngbin didn't respond, at least he didn't say anything, but the smile on his lips was a response enough. Truly, that sight was quite pleasing. He'd kept his eyes shut, and Alex just watched him. For a couple of seconds maybe, or a minute, or more. Alex wasn't sure. There was a possibility that time had stopped completely as well, as there wasn't really anything that indicated the possible passing of time.

Youngbin's room was quiet. Really, a near complete silence. In Alex' apartment, there was always some sort of noise. Neighbours next door or under or above him. Steps and conversations in the hallway in the most unholy of hours. Humming electronics, shouting on the street, passing cars, anything. But Youngbin's room was quiet.

Maybe the house had thick walls, or maybe everyone had already gone to sleep. Maybe the entire Lee family was pressed against the door, quietly waiting for secrets to be spilled. Whatever the reason, the only thing Alex could hear was his own heart beat, louder than usual for some reason he wasn't going to question.

"Tired?" Alex asked to break the silence, and Youngbin hummed.

"I'm not getting a lot of sleep lately." He opened a single eye slightly to glance at Alex. "You know, usually I'm in bed early on Fridays."

"You can go to sleep if you'd like." Alex grinned. "I'll sneak into your sister's room and arm wrestle her."

"Oh, no, if you do, I'd want to watch." The eye closed again. "She'd beat you, I'm pretty sure."

She probably would. And of course, Youngbin would think that this was very funny. Well, imagine getting beaten in arm wrestling by a 15 year old. Everyone would find that funny. Except for Alex, probably, but he's been taking blows to his ego a lot lately anyways, so how much more damage would that do?

"I'm being serious, though, no need to stay up and sit with me in silence. We can sleep."

"You don't seem like the type of person to me that goes to sleep this early, so I don't want to send you to bed already, you know." Youngbin yawned, then stretched. "Though, I suppose I could get dressed for bed already."

“You can do that. I still have no pants.”

“I’ll ask dad, fine?” Youngbin got up, grabbed a couple of pieces of clothing that had been hung over the backrest of his desk chair, rubbing his eyes again and almost knocking off his glasses. The makeup look was ruined by now. ‘Ruined’ as in ‘slightly smudged and now there was shimmer all over his face’. Still did look pretty good though.

“I’ll be right back.” And with that, Youngbin slipped through the door out of the room. The door shut, and it was silent. Once again. This time though there wasn’t Youngbin around to make the silence a little less empty.

So Alex looked around. Started to take in all the little details of this room that made it Youngbin’s specifically. It wasn’t like he knew what made anything Youngbin, he barely even knew him in the way he would’ve wished for.

Fuck, he was dating him. Fake or not, the way he still couldn’t really pin down who Youngbin was felt a little… pathetic, maybe? What did Alex know? His parents are rich and he wears expensive stuff he doesn’t care about a lot. He likes, loves acting and music and performance. He’s shy, but sometimes he isn’t, and he doesn’t speak his mind, but sometimes he does, and he hates attention, but sometimes he doesn’t.

Alex tried to find traces of Youngbin in his room nonetheless. Anything that had vaguely the same vibe as him. The colourful pillows on his bed, all pastel, those felt like him. The well organised, squeaky clean desk. Very him, probably. Maybe. The fucking glass terrarium that Alex saw something move in from the corner of his eye. Ough. The beast in there was a Youngbin thing as well, in a weirder way.

The walls, mostly empty aside from a couple of polaroids arranged around a poster of the album cover of Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here, seemed just right to be a Youngbin kind of wall. Fairy lights strung up around the window directly above Youngbin’s bed, they looked right, like him, surely.

What else, what else was there… The stand mirror, foot length, was dirty and dusty. A couple of old stickers were stuck on the very edge of it. The paint on the ceiling above his bed was crumpling off in some places. A pile of most definitely unread books was stashed underneath the desk in a corner. Some of the stationary sorted carefully on his desk looked like it had never been touched, and then there was a small collection of tiny little well loved coloured pencils right next to them.

All of that was Youngbin. Sure. Alex decided that dusty mirrors and paint chips and abandoned books were such a Youngbin thing, and they’d forever be, because that’s how Alex’ mind worked. Just like crumpled up fishnet tights on the floor forever we’re a Lani thing, and spilled pearls and beads in crevices of furniture were a Margo thing, everything in this room was now Youngbin.

Alex took a deep breath, for reasons, he didn’t really know them himself, but he felt like he needed to breathe it all in once to complete whatever he had tried to do just now. It didn’t smell like anything in here. There was no special scent that he could take with him and remember. Though it wasn’t like he needed it anyways.

“This one should fit.” Youngbin was back, his voice echoing through the silence that had grown larger and deeper and more consuming while he was gone, and he threw a pair of pants right at Alex, who failed to catch it.

Yeah. Alex looked at the pair of very dad-like shorts. Should fit. And as he looked up from said shorts, Youngbin smiled at him. Dressed in matching pyjamas, baby blue, because of course he’d own baby blue pyjamas, makeup wiped from his face. Alex squinted. He looked a little different now, actually. Just a bit. And now Alex wondered if Youngbin always wore at least a little bit of makeup, and this was the first time he’d see him without, or if his face had changed the smallest bit just now, for no fucking reason at all.

Youngbin let himself fall onto his bed, he bounced a little as he landed. Then he was suspiciously quiet. Alex turned to him, and stared right into a grin that could either mean a lot of evil or a lot of genuine excitement.

“You should meet Dan.”

“I don’t know if I should.”

“No, you should. You’re always so mean about him.” Youngbin crossed his arms. “If you’re meeting my family, you’re also going to have to meet the snake.”

Alex' eyes narrowed and he tried to hide his discomfort behind a (quite uncomfortable looking) smile.

“The way you keep referring to a snake as your family is freaking me out.”

“Is a pet not family as well?”

“I’d say a dog is part of the family. Or a cat. But not some crawly slimy little beast.”

“Woah.” Youngbin pursed his lips and there was nothing but offence written into his face. “He’s not a beast and he’s also not slimy. Snakes generally aren’t slimy but rather dry, they’re smooth and usually cool to the touch.”

“You’re insane.”

“You’re being mean to Dan.”

“Well-“ Alex watched in horror as Youngbin jumped up from his bed once more and approached the terrarium. “It’s not like he can hear me, can he? And also, if you’re called Dan out of all things, you’ll kinda have it coming?”

“Technically his full name is Daniel.”

“See, that’s even worse.”

“You’re being so mean!” Oh horror. Youngbin opened the lid to the terrarium. “What’s wrong with Daniels!”

“I know one and he’s shit.” Alex pressed his lips together when something red slithered onto Youngbin’s arm. Know was an understatement, maybe.

“But this one isn’t.” Youngbin’s eyes turned soft and so so damn in love. “Dan’s very nice. You can hold him, if you’d like. He likes to explore and wrap himself around someone’s arm.”

“Wrap around someone’s arm and then squeeze until you fucking die?” Alex tried to sound so cool. So calm. So fucking normal. There was a dangerous animal that slithered up on Youngbin’s shoulder. Cool and calm and normal.

"He won't choke you, he's way too small for that."

"Okay? Then he'll bite me."

"Rosy boas generally don't bite."

"Then he will kill me in some other w-"

"Are you scared?" That damn grin appeared on Youngbin's lips again, so amused by Alex' pain. "You don't have to be scared of him, you know, he's very gentle. He sleeps a lot, he watches the things around him a lot, sometimes he just stares at me for a while." Youngbin tilted his head a little as the beast flicked its tongue at him. "I think sometimes he judges me a bit."

"I'm not scared, why the fuck would I be scared?"

"Oh? You're not? Then hold him!" Youngbin extended his arm towards Alex, who nearly fell back as he moved away.

"Bet he doesn't even like me, so, like, why stress him-"

"Well, I suppose we could also feed him, it's almost time again anyways." Youngbin's face told Alex that feeding was going to be the most horrid thing he'd ever experience, and he remembered that one video of a snake swallowing a chicken whole that Margo once showed him.

"And what does it eat...?"

"I usually feed him small mice every ten days or so."

"Of course you do. Can you just put him back, maybe?"

"I can, if-" The red-white snake stuck out its tongue at Alex now as if to taunt him. "-you just admitted that you're scared of him."

"I'm not- I am kinda a bit scared of snakes I guess, but that's- I mean, I guess I'm not really scared but I guess I'm a bit, I, well, I respect th-"

"It's fine, I just wanted to see you squirm a bit."

Asshole.

Youngbin opened the enclosure back up, the snake slid back in and instantly hid behind a water bowl. The lid closed again, and Youngbin was careful to double check it, and then look at Alex, and check it once more.

"He won't eat you in your sleep, I promise."

He could be so- Well, whatever the fuck he was like right now. A bit mean, but in an oddly endearing way. Like that was a sign that he- liked him? Or something like that? That he was comfortable enough to not watch his every word so much anymore. That was a good sign, probably. Or not. Alex didn't know.

Youngbin fell back onto the mattress next to Alex, causing both of them to bounce a little. Crossing his legs, he started playing with a button on his silky looking pyjamas, twisting it a little. Alex watched him for a while, then cleared his throat.

"So," he said, and couldn't think of something else to follow up with.

"Can I ask you something?" Youngbin's voice had once more turned softer, quieter, more vulnerable.

"You already did."

"Then I'll ask you another thing." Now he also cleared his throat, didn't look up. "How'd you know?"

"Know what exactly?"

"That you're... bi?"

"Hm." The gay awakening story. Always a banger to tell. "Must've been 2016 or 2017. Found a concert video on YouTube. Singer had red hair and a tank top and red smeared on his hands and something in my brain got stirred a little." Ah yes. Gerard Way and his chokehold on 13 year old Alex. "That was like, the gay awakening, and with the gay awakening came every other awakening I could possibly have." Alex sighed, as though thinking back to his childhood was anything nostalgic or nice. "I was begging my parents to let me dye my hair red for the next year or so."

They didn't let him, of course. Which was probably for the better. For once, attempting to restrict Alex' self expression had probably also prevented him from going bald as a teenager. Then again, he'd bleached the fuck out of his hair at age 19 instead, and it wasn't looking good for his scalp.

“Sooo, what about you? If you're comfortable telling me?"

Youngbin still wouldn't look up just yet, though his hand now rested instead of fidgeting around on his clothing. For a couple of seconds, he was quiet, then he tilted his head a little as he thought about it.

"Actually- I know that I was 10 or so, but I couldn't tell you an exact event that made me like, realise, I suppose. Just kind of... felt... right?"

Right. That wasn't a word Alex expected to hear from him in this context.

"Well, right in the factually correct way," Youngbin quickly added, and somehow it made more sense, in a disappointing way. "I just, I figured that I was just more interested in boys, and in male actors and male singers and all, it was kind of a fact. Figuring out what that meant came much later though, at 15 or something."

"Hm..." Alex stretched his arms out, crossed them behind his head. "And you didn't come out to anyone until now?"

"I mean, Kaya knew, but there wasn't really a time where I told her. She just knew, I guess. Read my mind, maybe. I'm pretty sure she can do that." And now he looked up, with a curious gleam in his eyes. “And you? You said your parents don’t know?”

“Well, yeah. My parents don’t know shit in general, so…” Alex cleared his throat a little. “I don’t really come out, I guess. I’m just… existing and if you can tell that I’m gay, good for you. If not, then-“ He shrugged. “Whatever. I don’t give a shit. I think the whole coming out stuff is great and cool and brave as fuck but, like, it’s not my style.” Maybe being brave wasn’t his style in general. “And I don’t need to tell my parents. If they were to somehow find out, then whatever. It’s not like they can do shit about it.”

Alex had a few ideas of how they might react. He could see his mother just ignoring the fact, or failing to believe him, turning around, shaking her head, changing the subject. She always changed the subject. Always said ‘whatever’ and moved on. Maybe pretend like she didn’t hear him.

And his father, well, he’d get loud, probably. Or call him slurs. Or throw something. Or throw himself. Or throw Alex. Or maybe he’d fall quiet, and then instantly die on the spot.

“Maybe,” Alex said more to himself, intrigued by those thoughts, “we can fake marry someday and invite them and then our parents can start beef.”

“Yeah…” Youngbin put on a clumsy smile. “I don’t know if I like that idea so much.”

“The marriage part of our parents starting a war?”

“I mean, your parents don’t seem like I’d want to meet them? S-sorry, that’s not nice to say, but-“

“Oh, you don’t want to meet them. Why do you think I worked my ass off for the last few years to get away-“ And there it was again. It always came back. Alex had been sure he’d left it behind when he moved out, but it always crept back up again when he spent a little too much time even just thinking about them.

What was it? Alex wasn’t sure. Hard to pin down, to give it a name. It was just something, a bundle of everything bad. A stab to the heart, a punch to the face. A push, a fall, a scar. A ruined childhood. Sirens and tears and curses and memories of people Alex was supposed to know and people Alex didn’t know. And anger.That was the thing he could name, accurately. A shit ton of anger.

“Alex?” The soft voice of a boy that couldn't hear the storm came through to him. Alex blinked a couple of times, his shoulders tensed up as he tried to push a wall in front of his brain to not let that in again. Or worse, let it out. "I'm sorr-"

"Can you not say sorry?" Maybe it was too late, maybe it was starting to seep into Alex' voice already, an agitated tone, meaner than it was supposed to be, a tone that Alex hated but didn't know how to hold back. "You're not- this isn't-"

"But I brought something up that I shouldn't have, and-"

"Bin, you need to-" Shut up, he almost would've said. Be quiet. Stop being sorry. Shut the fuck up. He almost would've said it, to Youngbin. "I'm- so fucking sorry."

Alex hadn't said it. But almost. He was about to. His voice didn't sound like his own anymore, for that brief moment.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Bin." Again a voice that didn't sound like Alex. Sounded more like- a kicked puppy, a form that Alex had taken on one too many times lately.

"What are you sorry for?" Youngbin asked, almost whispering, after a couple of seconds of silence.

What was the answer supposed to be? Sorry for thinking about telling you to shut up? Sorry for almost saying something mean. Sorry for telling you to not say sorry. Sorry for suddenly switching up. For randomly thinking about shit that had no place here, that had no reason to be thought of. Sorry for ruining a perfectly good conversation out of nowhere.

"Are you okay?" Youngbin had lowered his voice even more, and now, just like earlier that evening, one hand reached out for the other, and two fingers interlocked.

"Sorry," Alex said again.

"Can you not say sorry?" It sounded gentler when Youngbin said it. More careful, more worried rather than agitated, with a softness that was missing when Alex had hissed the same words at Youngbin.

"I just- I- That wasn't, I mean, that was kind of- I'm just, like, kinda not alright." Alex took a deep breath, and Youngbin's gentle dark eyes on him suddenly felt piercing. "Like, in the head. Sometimes." Maybe that was already too much. Maybe Alex had said way too much tonight.

"Yeah. I suppose we have that in common."

Two fingers hanging onto each other turned into one hand, the smaller one, holding the other, bigger one. Youngbin's hands were so fucking soft, like they had never touched a thing in their life. Like they'd never carried something, pulled something, grabbed onto something or pushed something away. Never scratched skin or clawed into meat or drawn blood.

Youngbin's unscarred fingers softly brushed over the very much scarred back of Alex' right hand. And he no longer looked at Alex, no longer did he stare into the hole that had just formed right inside Alex’ head that would've allowed him to look directly into him. He'd decided not to. And Alex was glad he had done so.

Instead, both remained silent. There the two sat, on a mattress on the floor of Youngbin's room, staring at an empty wall, a closed door, listening to the silence. Time didn't flow, the world didn't move, but Youngbin held Alex' hand, as softly as nobody had ever done it before, and Alex was left with emotions that just really, really fucking sucked.

Guilt, there was guilt, for lashing out- he didn't even lash out. He didn't even say anything, but he thought it, and Youngbin didn't deserve to be thought about this way. And then there was- what was it? Some kind of fear. That he had said too much. Shown too much. That that little moment of ceasing to function when his parents were mentioned had given Youngbin one look into- into what? That fucked up little part of Alex' brain?

As if Youngbin didn't already know that he was fucked up. He didn't need to hear the details, he could tell already. Everyone could, really. But Youngbin could tell in a way that was kind of terrifying.

And he still held his hand.

Many of his former girlfriends had let go at that point. When the cracks started to show. Leia had held on just a little longer, and then she let go. Youngbin hadn't just yet. Because Youngbin wasn't like Leia, in fact, he was like none of Alex' exes. The key difference was that Youngbin wasn't dating Alex. Guess some red flags are more tolerable as friends than partners.

Friends. Alex and Youngbin were friends. Alex hadn't thought of that much yet. They were friends. Youngbin was Alex' friend. Strange. Alex hadn't made a friend since- Since he met Leia, maybe. They were friends for a long time before they started dating. That was a year ago. Longer maybe. They were friends, actual friends. The first friend he had made in ages. It was strange back then. Nobody wanted to be Alex' friend. And still nobody did.

Except for Youngbin, who was holding his hand.

Fuck. Shit. Something was wrong with this, and Alex was too scared to think about it any further.

"I didn't mean to trigger anything just now, by the way." Thankfully Youngbin prevented him from actually slipping up and thinking more. "That's why I said sorry." Both still stared at that damn white wall.

"I know. You couldn’t have known, I guess."

"I still don't really know. I don't know much about you."

Maybe it's good that way.

"I didn't mean to, you know, tell you to shut up, by the way."

"You didn't really."

"Felt like I did, though."

"It's fine, Alex."

"I also kinda ruined the conversation we were having."

"...I'm just glad I wasn't the one to ruin it for once."

"Wow." Alex let out a chuckle, and it felt light, but also like it was hammering against his chest from the inside. "We're a great duo then. We can take turns fucking up."

"Mhh." Youngbin hummed, leaned towards Alex, now resting his head against his shoulder, and Alex felt something, and a lot of it. "That'd be nice, actually. Not being the one to fuck up, I mean."

Woah there. Youngbin said the bad F word. Alex had never heard him say fuck. That felt almost a bit illegal. He should say that again for science.

"I promise you, I'll fuck up loads for you." He was kinda good at fucking up after all.

"Strange promise," Youngbin murmured, but he was smiling. Alex couldn't see it, but heard it in his voice.

And so, the two fell quiet once more, but this time Alex decided not to think, or feel, or think about how he felt. So he thought about the white wall he was looking at instead. A weirdly clean white, the walls in his old room had always looked a bit dirty, yellowish sometimes, but of course a wall in the Lee house could never look dirty. The wall probably would've looked nicer if it was blue, like a light baby blue. Or maybe mint green. A soft pink even. Or a pastel yellow, intentional yellow, not the old dirty yellow.

Perhaps a flowery wallpaper. An accent wall, or whatever it was called. Or even a light cold grey. That'd be quite nice. The white fit in quite well, but perhaps pops of colour would make the room feel a little less naked. Alex blinked. He was losing it. He was going insane while Youngbin was resting his head on his shoulder and tracing the scar on his hand with his fingers.

"When'd you get this?" Youngbin quietly asked, and Alex wasn't sure if he was just tired or if he was afraid of disturbing the silence too much. "If you don't mind answering."

"Well." Alex moved all of his fingers around slightly. "It's kinda-"

"If it's private- I mean, you don't have to-" Youngbin cleared his throat.

"I was doing the dishes," Alex said with a dramatic sigh. "A crime scene. So much soap. Knife flew out of my hands and then, you know, back into my hand but in the wrong way. Almost died, probably."

"Ah." Youngbin let out a chuckle. "I was hoping it'd just be something like that."

Well, yeah, kind of a shame that Alex' most visible scar was the one with the dumbest backstory. Sometimes he'd just lower his voice and say 'knife attack' when someone asked. Youngbin probably deserved to know that he accidentally attacked himself with the knife.

He had a couple more, though. On his leg, from falling down a tree as a child. Never healed properly, maybe because nobody bothered to really check on the wound in the first place. And another one, on his back, at least there used to be one, and Alex wasn't sure if it was still there. Well, it was there, and it'd be there forever, just maybe not on his body.

"You know," Youngbin now let go of Alex' hand, though his head remained leaning against his shoulder, "it feels like we barely know anything about each other."

That was true. That was exactly it. Alex had learned more about Youngbin from William than by actually talking to Youngbin himself.

"And friends- and boyfriends, I suppose, are kind of supposed to know a lot about each other, right?"

"You suppose?"

"I honestly don't know much. About Kaya, for example. She knows everything about me. Like my favourite everything. I know that... well, her favourite colour is yellow, I think, or orange. But I don't really know many facts about her. And I think friends are supposed to know."

Did Alex know his friends' favourite colours? Margo's was pink, of course. Must've been pink. She had pink hair, and wore pink, and everything about her was pink. What about Lani? Blue? Maybe green. Probably black. Alex wasn't that sure, actually.

"I always think that friends need to know everything about each other, you know. But I don't really. And I don't know if that's how it's supposed to be or not. I don't know what I should know, as a friend. And I also don't know how to figure these things out."

"I guess..." Alex tilted his head, and happened to bump into Youngbin's. "I don't know. I think you just kind of find things out during like, organic conversations."

"I don't think I know how to hold an organic conversation."

"I think that's the point, you don't really know how to have one, you just do."

"Hm." Youngbin exhaled. "I'd rather not have any conversations ever, then."

Okay, fine, Alex could arrange that. By not answering.

"Never mind," Youngbin then concluded. "Conversations are okay with you."

"Just okay?"

"Pretty nice, actually." That felt like the highest praise.

"There. Organic conversation. I even learned something about you. You get a good grade at being social."

"And you learned what exactly about me?"

"That you're not really having the best time talking to people, I guess?" Youngbin hummed in response, and Alex added: "You know, learning things about someone isn't just like, random fun facts that someone directly tells you. It's, like, figuring out someone's personality through the way they talk and shit. I know that you're like, kind of antisocial, I guess, but you don't have to explicitly tell me that, I can tell by spending time with you."

"Maybe you can do that. I don't, I think."

"And now I learned that you underestimate yourself basically constantly."

"Okay, so when do I get to psychoanalyse you?" Youngbin pulled his head away after all, turned to see Alex better.

"Not at all, I hope." Alex crossed his arms, raised his brows.

"You do that a lot," Youngbin now said. "Crossing your arms. All the time, actually. I know that about you. And I also know that you want to look cool all the time. But you're actually-"

Now, that was going to sting, no matter what Youngbin was going to say. A direct personal attack. Alex tried to mentally prepare himself for being called a loser by Youngbin out of all people.

"You're kind of a softie, I think." Okay, that didn't really sting, just felt kind of weird. He wasn't that wrong, actually. But Youngbin wasn't supposed to be right. "You have that vibe, like you could pull out a guitar and sing Wonderwall for me." Maybe it did sting. Ouch. Wonderwall out of all the songs.

"I can pull out a guitar and sing The Only Exception for you, if you really want that."

"Could you, though?"

"Pah! Okay, here's a fact about me, for you. I can play the guitar, I am pretty good at that, and I am basically on the verge of becoming a world famous rockstar." Alex tried to straighten his back a little, sit upright just a bit more.

“I suppose the guitar is a decent instrument.”

“Just decent? I expected you to fall in love with me instantly!”

“It’s a little basic, isn’t it?” Youngbin tilted his head a little as he thought, but there was the slightest of smiles on his lips, and it made it impossible for Alex to properly read him. “If you want to learn an instrument, you just kind of immediately go for guitar, right? I assume you can play Seven Nation Army as well.”

“Geez, what’s with the sass, sir?”

“And isn’t the electric bass much more unique, under-appreciated, and sexier?”

“Oh, well, sorry for not being sexy enough for you! And I thought you called me the hottest man alive just earlier!”

“You really only hear what you want to hear, huh?” Youngbin raised his brows, and when Alex opened his mouth to defend himself, he cracked that massive smile, once again, Alex’ favourite smile on him. “It’s kind of funny to tease you, you know. I didn’t think it’d be that amusing but I love your face when you’re, I don’t know, failing to act cool?”

Alex would’ve liked to stop listening after the ‘I love your face’ part, but apparently he made that face that Youngbin loved when he heard how that sentence ended. And Alex couldn’t be mad at that smile, could he?

“I told you the coolest fact about me though? I’m a musician, that’s pretty cool, come on!”

“Oh, it is!” And his voice sounded a bit softer again. “Just wanted to be annoying. I suppose that feels good sometimes. But you are also pretty cool for that. If that makes you feel better?”

"It does, actually. And I would totally show you a video, but-" The only videos Alex had of him playing were old, like really old, and he didn't like the idea of Youngbin seeing that, at least not while he was sitting next to him. "You know, I can just, like, send you my IG later and then you can look at it yourself."

"Oh, I kind of uninstalled Instagram a while ago, so..."

"And you won't install it back for your boyfriend?" Alex pretended to be upset, and Youngbin furrowed his brow as he thought, bit his lip.

"Honestly, I kind of think I've had enough of social media. Uhm- But I suppose I can- We'll see." He gave a smile that meant something like 'please just be content with that answer', and Alex decided that he was, because he started to feel really fucking dumb.

You know, because Youngbin, who he was fake dating to stop bullying, was being bullied on social media, and this was the first thing Alex ever even learned about him. And somehow, Alex kept forgetting that. Maybe because the concept of being mean to Youngbin out of all people on this planet, seemed really fucking stupid.

"I mean, you don't have to, actually, I kinda- I forgot about the, I mean, I get if you don't want to- You know. Ah. Fuck."

"Oh, no, it's fine." Youngbin shrugged, stretched his arms. "I'll hope all the posts about me have been buried by pictures of people that are even more cringe than me. And I'm pretty sure Kaya went through my account and deleted all the weird comments I got before I went private." His tone of voice promised that it wasn't all that fine, actually. "Did you know that our school has a gossip slash cringe comp slash confessions slash meme page dedicated to talking shit about basically everyone that isn't you or Leia or Dennis Nelson?"

"You'd be surprised about the shit they talk about me." Alex grinned as if that was an achievement. "You know, when you can submit anonymous confessions, people will use that to look brave while hiding."

He'd been sent numerous posts by Min before. Some of them weirdly aggressive. Others weirdly horny. Both of these were quite understandable, he had to admit that. But beside the posts that Min kept throwing into his inbox, Alex had never really looked at that account before. Because why would he. How pathetic must one be to even run an account like that.

Youngbin yawned, and looked very cute while doing so, before leaning his back against the bed frame once more. He rubbed his eyes, and Alex wasn't sure what time it was, but he was pretty sure it'd gotten late.

"I'll bother with that another time. I think the brain juice is used up for today."

"And you used a lot of those juices, if I do say so myself." Alex patted Youngbin's shoulder. "That was a good evening, wasn't it?"

"Mmh..." Youngbin hummed, closed his eyes and let his head fall back a bit. "Really decent performance, I’d say. Both of us.”

Ah. Yeah. The performance.

“I was less thinking about the performance and more- I mean, I just generally think you’re doing a good job. With being out and all that. And with being you.”

“You did the most tonight, though, didn’t you? I barely said anything. You did all the talking.”

“Come on, just give yourself some credit, man. You're doing good. You did so much. If it wasn't for all the stuff you did, alone, on your own, then I would've never been able to come here and talk for you. Anyone told you that they're proud of you lately?"

"Yes, actually. You did."

"Alright, I did. I am. I'm proud of you."

"And you've been saying it so much." Youngbin kept his eyes closed, smiled. Alex had so many more things to say. "You know, I'm really glad I've got you. I'm glad you're my friend."

Yeah. Friend. Friend. That was good. That felt nice. Friends. Alex wanted to repeat that word in his head a couple more times. Friends. Alex and Youngbin, who were friends. Strangers at first, then business partners or whatever, and fake pretend boyfriends, and now friends. Youngbin and Alex. Friends. Friends, who were also boys, so basically boy friends. Boyfriends, maybe. Best friends, perhaps? BFs? Friends. Yeah.

"I'm also glad that you're my friend." Let's be friends forever. After all of this. After we break up one day, when we aren't putting on some act anymore. Youngbin, I hope I can be around you forever. Alex didn't say that. Of course he didn't. He wasn't sure why.

"I'm really tired, Alex." Youngbin hadn't opened his eyes yet, and he looked like he was going to fall asleep if he didn't do that soon.

"We can go to bed, if you'd like. I'm tired as well." Only the normal amount of tired really. Alex was always tired. But he was tired enough to go to bed now, finally, and allow Youngbin to rest.

"If you're okay with that?" Youngbin pried his eyes open, rubbed them a little. "You'll still have to get dressed- Ah, and you probably need a blanket as well. And how many pillows do you need? I have many to offer."

Youngbin got up slowly, though he looked as if his body was too heavy to move.

"Oh, I don't really care, I guess. You could put me on the cold hard floor and I'd still sleep just fine." Now Alex stretched his arms as well, and his limbs felt a little stiff. He picked up the shirt that Youngbin had thrown at him earlier, and looked at it again.

"How many do you usually have in your own bed, then?" Youngbin had climbed up into his bed, throwing the first pillow down next to Alex.

"One really flat, deflated one. And if I have a headache, I take another one that's less deflated, so like, one and a half pillows max."

"Hm." Youngbin threw another pillow down, then a folded wool blanket. "What is your usual sleeping position? Half a pillow doesn't seem right."

Alex was going to make a joke about positions, but held himself back, not wanting to ruin his streak of not being fucking weird, and simply answered: "On my side, I guess."

"Then you'd need a larger pillow to support your neck and head when sleeping on the side."

"Sometimes I turn on my back, though. And also on my stomach depending on my mood. And I move a lot in my sleep, apparently."

"Hm." Youngbin knelt on his bed, stared at his own collection of pillows- All of them propped up on the side of the bed, whereas at the actual head, there only was one, large, ergonomically medically fancily shaped one. "Your posture is kind of bad, to be honest. Do you suffer from back pain?"

"No, Doctor. Only a normal amount."

"The normal amount of back pain is no back pain at all, Alex."

"The normal amount of pain is always at all times everywhere, actually. I know that, for sure."

Now Youngbin sighed, almost pitying him.

"Have you seen a doctor, by any chance?"

"Oh, no." Alex grinned. There was nothing to grin about, really, but he did it regardless. "Last time I talked to a doctor was when some asshole broke my nose. That was two years ago, I think."

Youngbin sighed with such disappointment written into his face, then let himself fall back next to Alex.

"Just take two pillows. There's no more fixing to be done with you."

Ouch. That sounded something Leia could've said. And it was right, also. Not much fixing left. Some people couldn't be helped anymore.

Youngbin unfolded the blanket, it looked heavy, warm, the kind of blanket Lani always had on the sofa, the kind that felt like a warm hug when he'd come home drunk to her house after a party. The fuzzy one that Lani's cat also loved. Suddenly, Youngbin's room felt a lot more like home.

And now he'd also gotten more tired, from one second to the next. Youngbin looked so cosy. The blanket looked cosy. Everything was cosy. Alex yawned, and pushed his hair away, rubbed his forehead a bit. The taste of cheap wine still lingered on his lips the slightest bit.

He began to unbutton his shirt. It was a bit more crumpled by now, yet the fabric still felt stiff on his skin. He didn't like to wear things like this. He didn't like to wear pants without holes in them either. He needed to expose skin at least a bit, not even for slutty reasons, just because he wanted to breathe. And his arms really needed to breathe now. The top button was the first to open, then came the next, the next, the next, the- Alex' hands froze.

"Bin?" Alex had felt his stare on him, physically felt it, two big eyes following each of Alex' hand movements as if they were mesmerised by- him taking off his shirt?

"Sorry." Youngbin's head immediately turned away, and his ears had become bright red in the matter of seconds. "Sorry. I didn't, you know, it wasn't my- Ah. You can choke me to death with a pillow now, if you'd like."

"Didn't know you'd be into that sort of thing- sorry, no, it's fine, man, come on." Alex grinned widely and by now the entire evening felt like a competition of who could make the other more embarrassed. Alex wasn't sure who was winning.

"No, sorry, really. That's not- That's really bad manners of me-"

"Do I look like I care about bad manners? Come look at my tits if you wanna."

Youngbin almost flinched a bit, his face had turned into a red traffic light. And Alex got that, to be honest. He had a nice body. A great one even. He'd stare as well, at himself. So he just continued to unbutton the shirt, and as hard as it was, paid Youngbin no mind.

Pulling his arms out of the sleeves felt awfully freeing. He stretched, rubbed his neck. There was a reason he only had one of these stupid button ups. They restricted his movement, made him look like a weird kind of emo nerd, and he'd only bought it to dress up as Gerard Way once.

Slowly, maybe deliberately so, he took the shirt Youngbin had given him once more, searched its front side, felt the fabric- It was soft, and Alex knew that it wasn't one of his expensive designer ones, but it didn't feel cheap at all either. He finally pulled it over his head- Ah. Fit just right. Bit tight around his chest maybe, but otherwise the fit was fine, quite comfortable.

Youngbin still looked away. Or, looked away again. And he looked really damn unhappy with himself. But it was kind of, well, kind of cute, or whatever, Alex enjoyed it a little bit, or whatever, maybe his heart was beating at a pace that was slightly faster than usual at the sight of Youngbin turning into a tomato when he looked at Alex' exposed skin.

Or. Whatever.

"You have nice tattoos, by the way."

"Why, thanks. Had a good look at them now, didn't y-" Alex got elbowed now, and Youngbin's elbows were pointy. "Ouch! No need to resort to violence!"

"Sometimes I regret saying things to you." Youngbin stood up again. "I'm gonna go take my melatonin. Put on some pants while I'm gone." Now he pressed his lips together as if he was thinking, inhaled, held his breath for two seconds, then quickly blurted out: "Unless you have leg tattoos as well, I'd like to see them then."

"Go take your sleepy pills, asshole!"

And Youngbin didn't hesitate to slip out of his room and close the door behind him. What a strange, strange, strange... whatever it was that just happened. Alex cleared his throat, finally freed himself from those jeans, and stared at his legs for a couple of seconds. Now that he mentioned it, maybe the thighs would be a good place for his next tattoo. Maybe the knees. Knees were painful, he'd heard, and they bled a lot. Alex blinked a couple of times as he thought about it, then quickly put on the pants Youngbin had thrown at him so that Youngbin wouldn't have to come back and look at Alex' scandalous naked thighs, like some kind of heathen.

The pants fit kind of well, less well than the shirt, also looked less good than the shirt, but to sleep it was going to be fine. Alex rolled up his dress shirt and jeans into a bundle, he kind of didn't care so much about it crinkling more, and put them next to his pillows in an attempt to look semi tidy. And then, he'd lay down.

The mattress was nice. Having two fluffy comfy pillows supporting his head was also nice, really really nice, actually. The blanket was great. Alex closed his eyes. That was good. Great, even. Nice, one could say.

The door opened, Youngbin slipped back in, and Alex quickly opened his eyes. He crossed his arms behind his back as he smiled at Youngbin, maybe flexed his muscles a little bit on purpose.

There was still plenty of space on the mattress, and so Youngbin sat down on there once again. He scanned Alex' arms once more, then let out a hum.

"I hope it's not weird," Youngbin began, and though his face had long turned back to its regular colour, a slight hint of pink still persisted in his cheeks, "but I've kind of been wanting to look at your tattoos for a while."

"Oh." Alex made even more space next to him, then rolled up the sleeves of his shirt as best as he could. "You're free to look. Most of them are just doodles, kinda."

Youngbin fell down right next to Alex, and now the two were laying there, next to each other, and it felt weird, but more importantly, it felt comfortable, safe, nice. Alex slipped one of his pillows underneath Youngbin's head, then kind of stayed still, and let the boy next to him observe his arm.

Youngbin was looking at his newest tattoo, the cleanest, nicest looking. And the most expensive one. Hesitantly, Youngbin put his finger up to Alex' arm, traced the lines, and Alex let him.

"A willow."

"Yeah."

"Like- the one at school?"

"It's my favourite tree. Just like, in general." And the weeping willow had been his favourite tree long before he had kissed Leia underneath it. And before he had kissed Youngbin underneath it. "Is it weird to have a favourite tree?"

"I think I enjoy pines. And magnolia trees, maybe?" The tip of Youngbin's finger tickled on Alex' skin. "I suppose… most people have favourite flowers, but nobody ever thinks about favourite trees."

"That's why I'm so quirky and different, I have a favourite tree instead of a flower. And I like it so much that I got it tattooed."

"What about the rest?" Youngbin travelled from his shoulder down to his biceps, and Alex could barely remember what else there was inked into his skin. It wasn't like he could focus on that now, though. There was something pressing on his chest and making his heart beat in an odd way, something in his stomach that was turning, and he was much too focused on ignoring that to try to remember what his own arms looked like.

"Is that a cat?" Youngbin asked, tracing something in a circle shape, and, yes, Alex remembered there being a cat somewhere.

"I think it was supposed to be Lani's cat. And there should be a dog somewhere too, that was Margo's old dog before he died." Alex hummed as he thought about the old pup he only got to know for two or so years. "She wants another one so maybe I'll get that one tattooed too one day."

"You could get Dan tattooed."

"I don't know about that."

"You're so mean." Youngbin didn't sound like he meant it. Rather, he sounded like any words were just tumbling out of his mouth.

"You can go get him tattooed."

"Does it hurt?"

"Only a bit." It did a lot. Maybe Alex was sensitive. He didn't mind it hurting a lot, he was willing to power through it. But it still hurt him like shit.

"Maybe I'll get a tattoo one day. When I'm ready to be kicked out."

"You'd look good with tattoos. Nerdy boy with big glasses pushing up his oversized sweater to reveal a full sleeve. People would drool after you."

"I'm fine, thank you." Youngbin let out a noise that could've been a giggle if he was a bit less tired.

His hand still moved up and down Alex' arm, drawing little shapes onto his skin, so very delicately, and Alex hoped that Youngbin wouldn't notice the goosebumps. One time, Alex turned his head around to Youngbin, who had taken off his glasses, and his eyes looked just the tiniest bit smaller- probably also because they were so tired, always on the verge of falling shut.

"You're- They're so pretty." Youngbin was whispering, almost as if he was barely awake enough to speak in the first place.

"You're so pretty too," Alex answered, and kind of hoped that Youngbin wouldn't hear it.

"Thank you." Well, he did. But didn't take it a strange way, it seemed like. His finger moved further down, and Alex was pretty sure that he didn't have any tattoos on his lower arm, or his wrist, or his palm, where Youngbin now rested his own hand.

And now they ended up holding hands again. Once more. Without anyone to see.

And Alex just stayed like this and stared at the ceiling with his eyes wide open, and when he turned around his head after god knows how long, Youngbin had closed his eyes, and fallen asleep, it seemed like. His face seemed at peace. Why was he so pretty. Why was he so fucking pretty.

Alex felt Youngbin's hand in his own, could hear his quiet and steady breaths, could feel his weight on the mattress next to him. Next to him. Now Youngbin had fallen asleep next to him. If Alex was to follow the rules of Dahyeon, he would've gotten up and climbed into Youngbin's bed by himself, or better yet, snuck into the living room and slept on the couch.

But Alex was so damn good at breaking rules. In fact, both of them had been pretty good at that.

After all, kisses were against the rules as well. But they'd share those before. And now that Alex was looking at Youngbin, he was hoping that maybe they'd break the rule a couple more times-

Fuck. Fuck. Alex closed his eyes, pressed them shut. Not this. Not now. Not again. Something awful was happening inside of Alex' heart right now, and he hoped that if he could fall asleep now, he wouldn't remember that painful desire to kiss Youngbin in the morning.

Kerning

Chapter 12 - AM I JUST TIRED OR AM I FALLING IN--

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