I backed into the bedroom, my dress hitched up above my hip, letting the night’s cold breeze brush its lips on my heated skin. A shaky breath caught in my throat, and I could feel a pounding in my chest, growing like my desire.

“Now?” I whispered, my fingers wringing at the hem of my dress.

He shrugged. His shirt slid down his shoulder as he undid another button.

“Or never,” he said. “You choose.”

I let out a winded laugh, and cringed at my own breath. I sound like an idiot.

He stood between me and the Moon’s peering eyes, his commanding silhouette standing tall in the open door. He leaned against the frame, one hand gripping it firmly above his head, his muscles flexing a little too much for him not to be doing it on purpose.

Juan’s dark gaze twinkled with his imaginations. “I’m not scaring you, am I?”

I shook my head, mouth agape as if was under a spell. Juan shut the door behind him with a quiet click, and his long strides closed the space between us.

He towered over me, his burning gaze swathing every inch of my body before his hands cupped the sides of my face.

“Are you sure–” Juan’s tongue knotted with mine, twisting my words into moans.

*** THIS IS SMUT. Please skip ahead a few pages if you’re a) not interested, b) reading this at work or c) my mother ***

He threw me down on the bed, one hand coiling around my waist and the other holding my wrist. My legs parted for him, and his hips pressed into the space. I stifled a moan as his bulge rubbed against my inner thigh. I traced its outline with my fingertips and imagined the shape in my mind. It was thick, hard, neverending.

Juan nibbled at my neck before replacing the nipping sting with featherlight kisses and the warm caress of his deep, longing breaths. His hands trailed upward my stomach, finally finding the sensitive swell of my breasts beneath my dress.

With gentle pinches, Juan rolled my burgeoning nipples between his thumb and index finger. I lifted my arms in surrender and he removed the dress from my figure. He paused, taking a step back to admire me like a painter with his greatest masterpiece.

A wicked smile spread across his face, and he got down on his knees. Gently guided by his steady fingers, my lace lingerie glided down my ankles and to the floor. He spread my legs a little more, and the cold metal of his thin gold chain met the warm skin of my inner thigh.

His fingers dug into the sides of my hips, holding them down on the edge of the mattress, as my back seized and arched with ecstasy. I rested my trembling knees atop his shoulders, and let his tongue carefully pleasure every right spot.

He took me over like a fever, making my whole body shiver. In every gasp, every moan, every lustful cry, I uttered his name. Juan. Juan. Juan.

“Juan,” I yelped out, before I clasped my hand over my mouth.

His mischievous eyes peeked up between my legs, and he laughed.

“You can scream my name as loud as you want,” he said, resting his stubbly cheek against my thigh. “Nobody’s going to hear you.”

He pushed two fingers inside of me, curling them up against my slick walls, and teased my clit with tiny circles drawn by the tip of his thumb. He had me under control like his little puppet. All he had to do was bend his index finger, and my entire body would twitch.

His nostrils flared and his grasp tightened. Each touch sent thrills rippling throughout my frame, from the base of my skull to the tips of my toes. I felt his cool lips lingering in the crook at the top of my leg, leaving tender bites whenever I spasmed too hard.

Just as my stomach started to clench, halfway through my loudest moan yet, Juan stopped.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Don’t worry,” he chuckled as he unlatched his belt. “I’m not done.”

His length sprung free from his boxer briefs, and as Juan sauntered forward, its tip reached my navel. My eyes widened to mirror its image, and I sucked in a sharp breath.

It was big. Juan knew it. He stared at my surprise with a crooked grin. So big. Probably two inches longer than Pablo’s, and maybe twice as thick. It was no wonder it could have gotten caught on something while running naked in the forest, and no wonder that Juan had an inflated ego to match his member.

I’d never seen him look so focused as he did now, pulling my legs to one side and tucking a pillow beneath my hips. He rubbed his lips together, stifling a groan, licking his teeth in anticipation of what would come next.

He pulled out a condom from the back pocket of his jeans. Biting it with his teeth, he tore open the flimsy package, and rolled out the rubber until it fit snug on his whole length.

Sweeping upwards, his gaze met my own. Dark, determined, defiant, and almost animalistic, his eyes devoured me as he hoisted my legs up against his chest, resting them in the crook between his left shoulder and his neck.

His fingers strummed my ankles, he left a soft kiss on my shin, and he pushed his length into me.

It was painfully cathartic. My fingers clawed at the sheets, and I let out a languished cry. Never breaking eye contact, Juan calmed me with a low shush. His hand gently stroked up and down my thigh, and he plunged deeper with a slow thrust.

The discomfort didn’t last long, quickly replaced by immeasurable bliss. Our bodies molded together, rocking back and forth to the hastening pace of his rolling hips. His breaths grew deeper; mine were already racing.

His gaze crawled down, settling for a while on my bouncing breasts. Then he shut his eyes, cocked his head backward, and let out a string of Spanish swears and held-back grunts.

When my core tightened around his member, so did his arms around my trembling legs. He hastened his rhythm, turning my moans to whimpers.

Smooth as pearls, his fingertips trickled down my thigh as he began to let go. Sweat rolled over the nape of my neck, just like it did down Juan’s chest. His chiseled figure glimmered in the dim moonlight, shining with the same silver glow his eyes showed as they rolled back.

One another thrust, and my mind went blank, flushed clear with heat and pleasure. My heart stopped and I went silent, stuck in an endless gasp. I wished the feeling would never go.

When I opened my eyes, Juan was on top of me, his satisfied grin framed with wet strands of tousled hair. He let out a breathless laugh as he untangled my necklace from his gold chain, and left a light kiss on my lips before our tired bodies parted.

Juan clenched his jaw and sucked air in through his teeth, and his length throbbed one last time as he pulled out.

He carefully pulled off his condom, tied a knot at the end, and winced at the jiggly lump of rubber as he dangled it in front of his face.

“I’ll, uh, take this with me so nobody finds it in your room,” he said with a grimace. “Don’t judge me, okay?”

“So hot,” I cackled, still breathless from it all. “As long as you don’t do anything weird with it.”

He jokingly raised his eyebrows and disappeared into the bathroom. He came out a few seconds later, with the condom wrapped in a wad of toilet paper, which he stuffed into the pocket of his pants.

***

He laid down beside me in my small bed, splayed out and taking up most of the space. I didn’t really mind. The room was cold, my blanket too thin, and the heat radiating from his strained body kept me warm and comfy.

“So?” I asked, tracing a line down the center of his chest. “Was it everything you ever dreamed of?”

Juan smiled. “Fuck yeah.”

“Really?” I purred.

“Em, your pussy is just–”

He kissed his fingertips and dreamily raised them toward the ceiling. I let out a mindless giggle, and immediately clenched my teeth. It would be a miracle if he still wasn’t convinced that I was some kind of naive idiot.

“You’re just saying that,” I replied.

“No, I’m dead serious,” he said. “You’re easily in my top three.”

He flinched as if he was expecting some kind of negative reaction from me, but all I did was bury my chin in the palm of my hand.

“Top three out of how many?” I asked.

With a sly grin, he tangled a strand of my hair around his finger. “I don’t disclose that type of information.”

Another one of those stupid, uncontrollable, high-pitched laughs escaped from my mouth as he raised his eyebrows and pinched his lips, feigning innocence. Instead of a grimace, he flashed a smile, before he rolled closer to me. His teeth grazed against my shoulder before he left a peck on my bare skin.

“What about you?” he murmured.

Our bodies curled together, and his dark eyes locked with mine, shining faintly in the distant moonlight. I paused, and thought for a while. It was hard to focus when he stared at me like that.

“You’d be my thirteenth,” I answered. “Well, fourteenth but one doesn’t really count.”

“Wow, you’re really good for a beginner,” he chuckled softly. “But that’s not what I meant. Like, how was I?”

He flicked away the shame on my blushing cheeks.

“Oh, you’re by far the best guy I’ve ever fucked.”

Pride filled his chest and lifted up the corners of his lips. I laid my head on his torso. His heartbeat was slow and peaceful, and his laughter warm, deep, and soft as a pillow.

“Is that all I am?” he said. “A guy you’ve fucked?”

“Well, you could have been my savior,” I mumbled.

“Your savior that you’ve fucked,” he snickered.

I shrugged. “It’s not too late yet.”

The side of his finger stroked down my jaw, curling beneath my chin to lift my head up and make me look at him.

“But I want to be more than that.”

His voice sounded low, deep, and gravelly. It sent warm shivers down my spine whenever he spoke to me.

“What do you want to be?” I asked.

“Yours.”

His heart raced for a few beats, and I felt high. Higher than drugs, higher than birds, higher than skyscrapers, airplanes, and spaceships. I melted in his arms, burning up with euphoria. I felt like a weightless cloud of vapor, floating by his side.

“Then there you have it,” I whispered. “You’re mine.”

“Maybe one day you’ll be mine too,” he said.

A little lump grew in my throat, but the bitter feeling was far too small to wipe away my smile.

“Well, that’s up to you.”

Being with Juan felt different than anything I’d experienced in the last weeks, months, or years. He’d left me with nothing but bliss. Not a speck of regret, no icky feeling in my stomach, no debilitating feeling of existential dread once my orgasm was over.

I wasn’t annoyed about how prickly his badly shaved beard felt, how clammy his hands were, or even how he smelled a bit like sweat.

He seemed just as handsome as he did before we had sex, perhaps even more, now that he’d worked his muscles a little and his abs stood out better. Juan was perfect. Good enough for me, at least. He’d even taken his socks off. What more could a girl ask for?

Pablo never even came close to making me feel this way.

And he never will, said a little voice in my head. Because he won’t make it past this night.

Guilt hit me like a punch in the gut. What kind of woman had I become?

The kind who attempts murder on someone, goes and has the best sex of their life while said someone fights for their own, and internally snickers the whole time at how much bigger her lover’s dick is than that of the man she just killed?

I’d told myself I’d never kill anyone else. I’d sworn it in front of Pablo. Never say never, he’d answered, with a smile on his lips. If he did indeed die tonight, it would be because of a cruel, self-fulfilling prophecy. It couldn’t be my fault, I wasn’t that vicious.

I reasoned that he’d be fine, that it probably wasn’t his first overdose. And if he didn’t survive, he wouldn’t have died by my hand. If I hadn’t seen the guy slip something into the drink, I would have given it to Pablo anyway, and the same thing would have happened. And if omission made me the culprit, it still wouldn’t matter, because Pablo did deserve it.

I sat upright in bed like I’d just woken up from a nightmare. A nightmare where I’d turned vengeful, bloodthirsty, and evil, a bad dream I had lived once and hoped I never would live again.

“Did you hear something?” whispered Juan, worry spreading on his face.

I took a deep breath as I stared at him, lying naked and wide-eyed in my bed, and I wiped a bead of sweat off my forehead.

“I’m not sure,” I answered. “Maybe you should leave.”

“You’re throwing me out? Already?”

I bit my lip, and Juan smiled softly at me, before leaning over the bedside to pick up his clothes.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

“Are you going to go check on Pablo?” he asked, arching one eyebrow.

“No, I just don’t want anyone to find you here,” I told him. “We’d both be in trouble.”

Juan answered with a nod. He slipped on his underwear, and frowned at me when I handed him his pants.

“Look at you, chucking me out in the cold, like I’m nothing but a one-night-stand you regret taking into your home after you’ve lost your beer goggles,” he joked. “When all I yearn for is to feel your warmth for one minute more.”

“Now you’re being dramatic,” I chuckled. “Come on Juan, just go.”

He buttoned up his shirt, theatrically shaking his head. “I’ll do whatever you want, Emily Smith, no matter how much it hurts.”

After throwing another thespian glance over his shoulder, he opened the bedroom door.

“Hey Juan,” I murmured before he walked away. “If anything seems wrong, will you come here and let me know?”

His face turned serious in the span of a split second. “Of course.”

Once Juan was gone, my hand caressed the bed where he was until the sheets turned cold. I couldn’t decide whether I wanted him to come back or not.

I kept my eyes open until they began to sting, and after a while, I figured that if something had happened to Pablo, someone would have come to tell me anyway.

Despite the hangover, all the night’s drama, and yet another devastating blow of a failed escape, for the first time in a while, I woke up feeling okay.

I left the shower in my room running for fifteen minutes, and the water never turned warm. That was probably one of the reasons why no one ever stayed in these rooms. That, and the scorpions Juan had told me about, although I still hadn’t seen one. Not that I wished I would.

I scuttered back to the main house, clad in my tiny clubbing dress, with my feet still covered in the bits of tarry grime the garden’s grass hadn’t whacked away.

I grabbed a cup of coffee from the kitchen before I headed upstairs to Pablo’s room. It was boiling, steaming, far too hot to drink. It was just lukewarm by the time I was out of the shower.

The sound of running water didn’t wake Pablo up. If not for the light snoring coming from the bed, I would have wondered whether he might be dead. I wouldn’t have put it past Hernan and the others to leave a corpse lying there while they figured out where to dump it.

I opened the window to rid the room of its lingering stench of vomit, and sat down to enjoy a cigarette while I was there. I remembered the last time I sat in that armchair, my lungs filled with smoke and my head with thoughts of Juan.

The difference was that this time, I didn’t feel pain or sadness, but rather the instinct to slide my hand under my bathrobe and between my legs.

“Am I in heaven?” said a voice behind me.

I gave Pablo a tender smile, as my fingers slowly recoiled. “Unfortunately for humanity, you’re still alive.”

“Yeah,” he snorted. “I figured my afterlife wouldn’t look this nice.”

“How are you feeling?” I asked.

“Like I’m fucking dying, Gordita,” he muttered. “I don’t even remember what happened.”

“I think someone spiked the drink I gave you,” I explained. “I took a sip on my way back from the bar and felt really sick.”

Pablo’s eyes narrowed. “Do you remember what the motherfucker looked like?”

“If I knew someone had poured something in the glass, I would have just tossed it away, Pablo,” I lied. “I’m really sorry, by the way.”

“No need to apologize,” he said, dismissing my words with a flick of the hand. “From now on, don’t drink anything before I’ve tasted it.”

I managed a tight-lipped smile. “Okay.”

He tried to return my grin, but it seemed that the slightest movement on his face felt excruciating to him. He let out a loud groan as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Gordita, would you be an angel and get me some painkillers?” he sighed. “Oscar should have them. He’s in the room next to ours.”

In the time it took me to slip into a clean sundress, fix my hair, and leave the room, Pablo was asleep again.

I knocked on Oscar’s door. I heard someone slumber around, groaning and yawning, and then the door crept open. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy-lidded, circled with dark patches of wrinkled skin.

“Is he okay?” he asked me, his voice low and breathy.

“Yeah, he just woke up.”

Oscar straightened his back, but his arms hung limp from his shoulders, as if they’d been flailing around all throughout the night.

“Great,” he sighed, as he rubbed his eyes. “What do you want?”

“Painkillers,” I mumbled. “For Pablo.”

He stared me down from head to toe. “I’ll take them to him.”

The door slammed in my face, and I gulped. Seems like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed.

I wasn’t sure if it was best to try and stay out of the way or prove my good faith, so I slumbered aimlessly around the hallways for a couple of minutes, until I decided I should fetch Pablo a glass of water to help him swallow his pills.

As I reached into the cabinets to grab a cup, Juan walked into the kitchen.

“Morning,” he said.

His tone was neutral. Way too neutral, almost disinterested. He walked past me and over to the fridge with a hurried step and his head bowed down, like he was an overworked businessman and I was the office fax machine that he hadn’t used since the late 2000s.

I turned around to look at him, and he didn’t do the same. He didn’t give me a glance, a smile, or a sweet morning kiss. We’d slept together just a few hours ago, and now it was as if I didn’t even exist.

I swallowed my heavy heart and turned on the faucet. When the glass was almost full, a hand reached to my backside and squeezed it.

I clenched my butt so hard that my lower back cracked, and Juan burst out laughing.

“Do you need a chiropractor?” he whispered. “I give really good massages.”

My eyes widened, and my cheeks burnt up.

“Stop it,” I hissed.

“Relax, Em,” he murmured. “Nobody’s watching.”

I tried to glare at him, but couldn’t keep my lips from curling up into a smirk. I shook my head, and with an exaggerated huff, grabbed a kitchen towel to wipe up the water I’d spilled on the counter.

“I’ll take care of it,” said Juan, his thumb stroking the palm of my hand as he pulled the towel away.

He made my heart bounce like a yo-yo, and I wouldn’t have been surprised if one day the poor thing gave out.

Juan’s playful gaze followed me out of the kitchen, dimming as he realized where I was heading. Meanwhile, I was jumping out of the pan and into the fire. I heard Pablo yelling before I even reached his bedroom.

“Will you fucking stop with that bullshit?”

I opened the door, and both he and Oscar slowly turned to me. Their argument still echoed in the room, turning air and bodies stiff. They shut their mouths and cleared the anger from their faces.

“I– uh, I got you some water. For the painkillers,” I stuttered.

“You’re a darling,” Pablo said softly. “Thank you, Gordita.”

He pushed his brother out of the room with nothing but a guillotine glare, and only relaxed once his brother had left.

I had a bad feeling about all this, weighing on me like an anvil in the pits of my gut. Inhaling a shaky breath to compose myself, I went and sat on the bedside, and put on my sweetest smile.

I gently rubbed the back of Pablo’s hand as he dropped two white pills under his tongue. He let them melt there for what felt like half an hour, before washing away their bitter taste with a small gulp of water.

He wiped his mouth with the side of his wrist, and I leaned in to peck his lips.

Pablo chuckled. “Are you trying to make me swoon?”

I felt my chest tighten up. As groggy as he seemed, he could still see right through me.

“No, I’m just worried for you.”

“I’ll be fine, Gordita,” he sighed. “Go outside and chill, it’s a nice day. I’ll come and see you as soon as I can stand up.”

I smiled at him, although I already felt cornered. There wasn’t a lot I could do. If I did or said too much, I’d look suspicious. It was Oscar’s word against mine. ”Nothing’s wrong, I’m glad you’re okay,” versus ”She poisoned you and tried to run away.”

I wondered whether Pablo would have his fingers wrapped around my neck, if only he had the strength to do so. As soon as he closed his eyes to take a rest, I scuttered out into the corridor.

I caught up with Oscar, just as he was about to head downstairs.

“What did you tell Pablo?” I hissed.

He raised his eyebrows. “That he shouldn’t be taking more drugs after what happened.”

“Are you sure?” I muttered.

He looked around, his gaze sweeping the hallways, as his mouth bent into an innocent shrug.

“Why, is there anything else I should be telling him?” he asked.

I felt my throat constricting. “No.”

He shrugged again, this time with his shoulders, and walked down the steps without so much as a goodbye. His words should have reassured me, but the way he said them was almost threatening.

Oscar had saved my ass once before, but now I wasn’t so sure I could count on him. I was losing allies, losing safety, and the walls closing in on me.

That stupid passport Juan had promised me could not come soon enough.

Thicker Indeed

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