Lily Xu

Aww

Lotz

Such a wonderfully written first chapter. Love the way everything is described, sets the mood perfectly.

aq

Crazy good starter

C.M. Rose

Great first chapter! You did a ton of character development and some rock solid setting descriptions in a very short space

C.M. Rose

Nooooooo - don't say that! She's invoked Murphey's law!

C.M. Rose

Two weeks can be a heck of a long time, depending on the situation...

C.M. Rose

Uff...it seems like Sarah's got a fair bit of baggage to work through. I also like how these paragraphs portray Ana as a good friend, but not always a perfect friend (kind of multi-faceted)

C.M. Rose

That's pretty unnerving

C.M. Rose

Rude! (also, I'm liking the way that you write dialogue and set the scene - everything feels very real)

C.M. Rose

Well that's an ominous start - the quote works well to set the tone of the story too

Sarah James

An amazing amount of character development within the first chapter alone. You've made it very easy to sympathize with Sarah, see the star differences to how her extended friends grew up and their different motivations for going on the retreat. Awesome work so far.

Sarah James

I would amend the first line to “I lit a cigarette with guilty delight, the poisonous smoke filling my lungs as I let out an slow exhale” as ‘flicked it on’ stands out more to me

Sarah James

The sorriest rainbow 🌈 😭

Sarah James

You could launch the coke bottle at her forehead.. It may be a new direction for the story, but i’ll be onboard 😂

Sarah James

Love this—super creeps

Sarah James

This sounds a lot like the time I went to Fat Burger in Las Vegas

Sarah James

They really are sending the subliminal messages aren't they

Sarah James

I jumped on a plane once and went to China and she is 100 percent right, the same problems you fled are there when you land, waving at you from the runway when you touch down

Sarah James

Yeah, those images paint a very different brochure 😂

Sarah James

I’m willing to go out on a limb and say entirely justified reaction from Sarah

Sarah James

With friends like these... 😂

Sarah James

Whoah... Ouch. (I read the trigger warnings–its all cool 😎)

Sarah James

This needs to become a movement for all Sarah’s around the globe—I’ll start a sign up sheet: 1. Sarah James

Sarah James

Sex deflection 😂😂 flaming hotness of a different variety

Sarah James

If you have to be asked ‘like that’ the default answer is too freaking long

Sarah James

💯

Sarah James

Is now the time to say Kait it more my type of spirit animal?

Sarah James

A 3 hour hike 😅😅 I’m such a city girl

Sarah James

I do get it. After a flight you just wanna get to your destination

Sarah James

I love how in any other country you can drive for 8 hours. If I drove for 8 hours i’d probably be in France or Italy 😂😂

Sarah James

You do an amazing job of showing us Kaitlyn is just as fed up as the main character by “She huffed loud and often...” Love it.

Sarah James

I think you could remove the comma after afraid it would make your strong sentence even more impactful.

Sarah James

I appreciate the atmosphere your setting here. I'm British, so AC is an imaginary character that lives on the television—but I know about heat without it's relief on the rare day the sun visits here

Sarah James

This is a really intresting quote. I like the feel it sets and the realism of it's meaning—I know about rock bottom and i’d agree with both sentiments

Writergirl81

Will slowly work my way through once again, down, down, down into the rabbit hole, as darkness descents 😏

Writergirl81

Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum lmao

Writergirl81

So it begins..

aq

"They can't get any worse"...

Leigh Vann

😀😀😀 Indeed, Sarah. At least there's that! (I wanted to test out an in-line comments and this felt like a good place)