Bill's Point Of View

Suddenly, I experienced a jolting sensation, causing my body to jerk, and I found myself abruptly awakened. My heart raced at profound speeds, beating with an intensity that reverberated through my chest. Catching my breath proved to be a challenge, as a surge of emotions inundated me simultaneously, creating a whirlwind of feelings that left me trembling.

I looked over and I found myself in the same place I started, Estridsen's office.

"Estridsen, it's been a while since we last discussed the dreams I've been having, but during this session, something profound has occurred this time and I feel compelled to share with you.

Ashley has appeared to me once again in the realm of dreams, and this encounter has taken a surprising turn." My voice hitched, the conversation and my wrongdoings of the past physically feeling like a hard pill to swallow.

Estridsen reached over to the table beside him and grab those two glasses from last time along with alcohol once again.

"Before we go any further, let's have a drink." Estridsen sighed.

He poured the two glasses and then walked over to me and handed me a glass. "A toast, to a hopefully speedy recovery for you, Bill." Estridsen slightly smiled and with that I quickly gulped half of the alcohol down, the light burning sensation getting to me and then placed the cup back down.

I sighed, "In this latest dream, the atmosphere was different. There was an aura of peace and understanding that I hadn't experienced before. Ashley looked at me with eyes filled with compassion, a stark contrast to the times when she was alive, and our relationship was marked by strife and grief. It was almost as if the pain of our past had dissipated, replaced by a sense of forgiveness."

In the back of my mind, I grappled with an overwhelming sense of bewilderment, struggling to comprehend Ashley's act of forgiveness. Questions relentlessly swirled within me, tormenting my soul.

"Estridsen, I don't understand it. Was she perhaps testing the depths of my remorse? Or was she deliberately provoking me to confront the depths of my grief? Did she possess an innate understanding of my tendency to overanalyze every facet of this poignant encounter, knowing full well that it would linger in the recesses of my mind, replaying endlessly and casting a shadow over the days yet to come?"

Such thoughts consumed me, stirring a tempest of emotions that threatened to engulf me entirely.

"She spoke to me, Estridsen, in a voice that resonated with tranquility.

She uttered words that I never expected to hear, words that echoed through the dream and lingered long after I woke." I sighed.

"Well, what exactly did she say to you?" Estridsen asked, his eyebrow cocked.

"Ashley said that she hates me, but she forgave me for all the grief that I caused her while she was alive. The weight of those words, the relief they brought, is indescribable.

It's as if she's still here with me, but not in the physical sense.

No, it's more ethereal than that. Ashley appears to me in a realm beyond the world that you and I walk in, and she speaks to me with a serenity that I never experienced when she was alive. She tells me that she forgives me for all the grief I caused her during our time together. I don't understand how someone can be so selfless." I leaned back with a heave.

Estridsen looked at me blankly until finally he opened his mouth to speak,

"And how does that make you feel, Bill?" He asked.

For a moment I went silent, many emotions and thoughts ran through my head,

"I find myself torn between emotions, gratitude for the forgiveness she's offered and a haunting reminder of the mistakes I made. The dreams have become a canvas for the revisiting of my past, but this time, with the promise of absolution. It's a double-edged sword, as the relief of forgiveness is intertwined with the somber reflection on the pain I once inflicted." I gritted.

"What do you think about her forgiveness towards you?" Estridsen asked.

"Estridsen, I'm going to be honest, I'm confused. I'm grappling with the implications of this forgiveness, leaving me with many unanswered questions.

Does it absolve me of my past wrongs, or is it a mere construct of my subconscious mind seeking solace?

I've spent countless waking hours contemplating the nature of these dreams, questioning whether they hold therapeutic value or if they are merely a complex manifestation of my inner struggles." I heaved.

"Now I want you to think about this Bill, you say you spend hours thinking about these dreams, I want you to thinking about how many hours that Ashley grieved. Was she sincere with your emotions during these encounters or did she act like she didn't care, as you did her?" Estridsen asked, the cockiness in his voice was clear.

I glared at him and he just threw his hands up as if to just say he was innocent,

"She must have been in a lot of pain. I'm such a fool, James." I sighed. "As her husband, I should have been showing her love and giving her happiness, but instead, all I did was cause her grief, time and time again, until I finally pushed her to the edge, and forced her to jump." Suddenly, the tightening in my chest returned.

"It sounds like to me that she is healing while you are not, Bill. And I think that is a you problem." Estridsen chuckled.

The way he replied kindly upset me, "Estridsen, I don't want to undermine the therapeutic value of these sessions, but the ease with which Ashley forgives me in these dreams perplexes me.

It's not that I don't desire forgiveness, but the fact that she simply forgave me that immediately, it raises questions about the authenticity of this encounter and the value of her forgiveness .

My question is Why?

Why, after the tumultuous history we shared, can she extend forgiveness so effortlessly? It's a question that reverberates in my waking hours, creating a sense of confusion." I sighed

"I find myself questioning the nature of these dreams, wondering if they're a manifestation of my guilt or if there's something more profound at play. Am I merely grappling with unresolved emotions, or is there some other force guiding these encounters with Ashley? These questions linger in my waking hours, casting a shadow on my daily life." I heaved.

"Like I said, Bill. This is a problem that you're going to have to look into yourself to find the solution to." Estridsen shrugged as he stood up from his seat.

Following him, I stood up in mine,

"As your friend and I guess you could say patient, Estridsen, I seek your guidance in navigating this emotional terrain.

I came to you to help me get answers and I'll be damned if I leave without them so quit being cocky and answer my questions." I demanded.

"Okay old boy, calm down." Estridsen sighed as he threw his hands in the air

"I can give you the best guidance and answers that I can give you.

Now, what's your question Bill?" Estridsen asked.

I paused for a moment as hundreds of questions and thoughts swirled through my mind, "How do I reconcile the forgiveness offered in my dreams with the reality of my past actions?"

James cocked his eyebrows at me.

"Well answer the question!" I yelled.

"Well, I think my response is going to be way over that small brain of yours because it's a long explanation and a lot of advice and frankly, I think you're too stubborn to take any of it into account." Estridsen smirked and deep down, I knew he was partially right.

"Just give it to me straight, James." I sighed with the realization that he was actually absolutely right.

"Okay you asked for it, so don't get offended later." Estridsen smirked once again and I knew that I was in for a lengthy degradation on my life choices.

"The interplay between forgiveness in dreams and the stark reality of past actions can be a profound and complex journey within the psyche. Dreams often serve as a canvas where our subconscious grapples with unresolved emotions, memories, and conflicts, sometimes offering solace or resolution that may elude us in waking life. However, the reconciliation of these dreamscapes with the tangible consequences of our past actions demands a deeper examination of the dynamics at play." James replied.

"Okay, so what does that mean exactly?" I asked.

"Firstly, it's essential to recognize that dreams are not bound by the same constraints of logic and consequence as waking reality." James spoutted.

"How do I do that?" I asked.

"In dreams, the mind is free to explore alternate narratives, seek emotional healing, and even engage in wish fulfilling scenarios. So, forgiveness extended in dreams may not necessarily reflect a literal absolution of past sins or faults but rather symbolize a subconscious longing for redemption or inner peace. In your case inner peace because at this point, you're past the point for available redemption." James replied as he poured himself a glass.

"Wow, you should be a jester James because you sure are funny." I rolled my eyes.

"Secondly, the difference between dream forgiveness and the reality of past actions underscores the complexity of human nature and the capacity for change and ultimately growth. While dreams may offer glimpses of redemption or forgiveness, the journey towards true reconciliation often requires introspection, accountability, and active efforts to amend past wrongs. Of which I believe you will struggle with as your ego is too big.

This process may involve seeking forgiveness from others instead of validation, making amends instead of bridges, and committing to personal growth and self-improvement." He stopped to catch his breath and took a half swig of his drink.

"Moreover, it's extremely crucial to realize and accept the fact that forgiveness is a multifaceted phenomenon that encompasses both self-forgiveness and forgiveness from others. In the realm of dreams, the forgiveness extended may symbolize a subconscious desire to come to terms with one's own shortcomings and mistakes, fostering self-compassion and acceptance because it's your own mind. However, this internal forgiveness must also be complemented by external efforts to take steps to first address harm done to others, repair relationships, and rebuild trust with the people you've done wrong, and I know that you know deep down which person that this reconciliation process needs to start with." James scowled.

"Yeah I know, it needs to start with Aisha. I already got scolded by Ashley for that." I replied.

"Hmm, good for her that she put you in your place, and you know that she was the only woman that could ever do that." Estridsen had the biggest smirk on his face that I had ever seen.

"Navigating the tension between dream forgiveness and the reality of past actions requires a subtle approach that integrates self-awareness, reflection,

and a commitment to moral living. While dreams may offer moments of insight and solace, true reconciliation with the past warrants a conscious effort to confront difficult truths, take responsibility for your own actions, and strive towards genuine transformation within yourself." James stated.

"Okay but how can I do this?" I asked.

"Ultimately, the reconciliation of dream forgiveness with the reality of past actions is a deeply personal and ongoing process, shaped by individual values, beliefs, and experiences. You can do this by embracing the complexities of forgiveness and embracing a journey of healing and growth, Bill. And from a professional viewpoint, I think that it's possible for you to move towards a more integrated and authentic sense of self, rooted in resilience, integrity, and compassion." James replied.

"I have one last question for you James. And as much as I hate to listen to you ramble for another 30 minutes, I need an answer." I sighed.

"Wow, you are really the nicest person that I know Bill, and I'm always glad to be blessed by your presence." Estridsen replied sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"Oh I know I am, and I'm glad that you're glad to be blessed by my presence." I smiled at him and he forced a smile back.

"Can these dreams be a catalyst for healing, or are they a mere illusion that may vanish as quickly as they appeared?"

I asked and Estridsen developed that same look on his face that said

"You know that I'm going to give you the most sarcastic answer that I can."

James just smiled at me and finally answered.

"Well, I would say dreams are the ethereal whispers of our subconscious, coaxing us to explore the depths of our psyche. They can indeed serve as a catalyst for healing, guiding us towards inner truths and resolutions we may have overlooked in our lives. Yet, they can also be fleeting illusions that tease us with hope only to

dissipate into the morning light, leaving us grasping at the shadows." James replied.

"How do we know which one that it is though?" I asked.

"You ask too many questions." James huffed, "Whether they hold the power to heal or merely deceive depends on our own abilities to decipher the symbols they present and our willingness to carve their messages into our conscious existence and our willingness to confront them with honesty.

In that sense, perhaps the true healing lies not in the dream itself, but in our actions inspired by it. Now, I'm tired of talking to you, please go back to your own house." James smiled.

And with that, I swigged the other half of alcohol down my throat and walked out of the house.

Chapter 21 - Therapy

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