CW: drug use, past abuse

----

What pure flowers grew here once, before I knew the bones beneath.

Xigon only half-registered that he was reading the same sentence over and over again. The words unraveled into meaningless letters, and the letters became meaningless shapes on the page. With a sigh, he closed the book and leaned his head into his hands. He felt lightheaded. Nothing felt entirely real, as if he were in some lawless otherworld.

He'd never dreamed, not once in his life. Was this what a dream was like?

you stole something precious

He jolted in his chair. The voice hadn't come from any direction he could discern. But he'd been hearing it for weeks now.

stole from me

proud of you

Kaosaan kept going on about that. How he'd stolen something or how proud she was. He had no idea why. The Destroyer usually left him alone unless he was torpid. Then she'd constantly be whispering in his ears, trying to share her secrets with him. It took everything to tune her out.

Kaosaan's wisdom was infinite, as was her hope. Something she knew compelled her to lay waste to reality. Xigon didn't want to know whatever it was. He feared what he'd become if he listened to her long enough.

"Please, Kaosaan," he whispered. "Spare me your curse."

blessing

A dark blotch floated across his vision. Xigon lifted his goggles up and rubbed his eyes. They stung as if they'd filled with smoke. Then a sharp pain spiked through his chest, so intense he nearly fell out of his wheelchair.

Ignoring Kaosaan, he put his goggles back on and searched around for his next dose of painkillers. He knew by now it wouldn't help — not with this specific pain — but he needed to feel in control of at least one small thing.

Xigon found one vial of the dark amber liquid in his desk drawer, nestled among a growing collection of empty vials. His fingers trembled as he uncorked the medicine and brought it to his mouth. The bitter elixir was like honey on his tongue, every drop precious. He downed the entire dose in a second, then leaned his head back and waited for that blessed relief. He waited and waited, his eyes stinging with barely-contained tears.

The relief came slowly but surely, dulling the ever-present pain in his body enough that his mind could work with clarity. Tension swept away in waves. He closed his eyes and shivered. When the pain in his chest remained – though he had fully expected it to – a sense of betrayal filled him. He'd partaken in this sacred ritual day after day for years and years, ever since...

Ever since that day he had tried to rid himself of Qila's oppressive shadow.

How could it fail him now?

_________

[the day she claims to regret]

Xigon knelt silent before Master Qila. Two dead armies surrounded them. He looked up at her with the thousand-yard stare of a man who'd crossed a horizon of no return. She smiled down at him. "Very good, Xigon." A wrinkled hand moved to caress his cheek. "Well done. The conflict here is finished now, thanks to you."

He leaned ever so slightly into the warmth of her palm. Well done. Very good. Why did he crave her praise so much? Just how many lives would he take for her if it meant he'd hear those sweet words one more time?

Qila's hand moved down to his shoulder. "I'm so proud of you."

For a blissful instant, the warmth of her validation swept his qualms away. But only for an instant. Xigon clenched his jaw and locked eyes with his master.

Her smile disappeared. "What's wrong?"

He looked back down, his skin prickling with cold sweat. Then his eyes wandered around the field of corpses. Lifeless flesh. Filth. And here he was, the hunting dog, whimpering for another pat while the master feasted. His head pounded. Everything blurred.

Was this his fate? To be Qila's weapon forever? Wiping out any who stood between her and her beloved god who brought him nothing?

No. Xigon couldn't accept that. He glared back at Qila. His eyes flared red and then violet.

She gripped his shoulder tighter. "What are you doing?"

He swatted her hand away as he stood, towering over her. He snatched her in a chokehold easily as if she were a puppet, then pulled her up to glare right into her wide, panicked eyes. She clutched feebly at his hand. He only tightened his grip the more she struggled.

The terror on her face delighted him.

He watched her skin turn ashen as he strangled her. For whatever reason, she didn't fight back. Xigon found himself the smallest bit disappointed as she went limp. He'd somehow expected more from the hag whose shadow had hung over his head for so long.

Her hand dropped from his. Xigon slammed her to the bloodied ground. Then her eyes flashed violet. His heart skipped a beat. She was still alive.

Her colossal antlered shadow spread across the ground and then rose to loom over them both. Qila herself stood on shaky legs and raised her arm to direct the apparition.

Xigon tackled her back down. The apparition vanished abruptly. They rolled over corpses. Qila squirmed and screamed, then went silent as he stopped her breathing. Then her movement. Then her pulse.

Soon only her eyes remained, wide with horror as he shut her body down bit by bit. He pressed her down into the cold mud and watched that light ebb away. He could have killed her by now, but he wanted to watch her suffer just a while longer. Surely if anyone deserved it, it was Qila.

Her eyes dulled, then rolled upwards, then...

"Be at peace, Xigon."

Qila's eyes flared a new shade of violet. Her hand darted up and snatched him by his coat. The world flashed impossibly bright. White-hot agony. He heard two voices scream.

The world swam back into view, but everything was blurry. His head felt full of cold sand. Harsh ringing filled his ears. His body – what little was left of it – was heavier than the whole earth. Xigon couldn't see well enough to be certain, but it seemed like a huge part of him was gone. He closed his eyes, desperate to protect himself as long as possible.

He tried to crawl away, but there were no legs to move. So he simply lay there, breathing in short panicked gasps as his blood saturated the soil.

Qila grabbed whatever was left of him. Her forehead pressed against his. Her tears dripped onto his cold face as he finally stopped breathing and surrendered to torpor.

It would be the longest, most excruciating torpor of his life.

For seven months Kaosaan would whisper in his ears, and he'd have only his nemesis's loving arms to ground him. He went straight back to needing her.

So much for standing on his own.

_________

[the night he claims not to regret]

you stole

The first time he heard those words from Kaosaan was soon after they'd returned to the stronghold, following Kolo's second ascension. It must have been early morning, judging by Yayaba's singing out on the ledges. On any other morning, Xigon might have teased her. Are you a lightningfisher or an itty-bitty songbird? And she might have sneered at him.

Instead, Xigon labored silently in the dim orange light of his lantern's last sputters, preparing his enemy for the final rest. With a damp rag, he wiped the drying blood from Haode's chin. If Xigon could erase even a tiny bit of the killing's violence, it would be easier on the boys, he hoped.

proud

He then bound the wounds in dark cloth so Dakko and Ido wouldn't have to see them again.

so proud of you

_________

[wake up]

Xigon's eyes snapped open with a start.

The pain in his chest was so extreme he nearly cried. Not only that, he felt as if he were suffocating. He rapidly found himself hyperventilating as he woke up. A bright, blotchy aura blocked out half his vision. He heard himself gasp for air.

Exactly like...no. What was he thinking?

stole from me

Xigon's hand went to the spot where the pain was most concentrated. It wasn't the strongest at his heart, but a few inches off. As he realized the significance of that spot, a pit formed in his stomach. It was where he'd stabbed –

Just what had he stolen?

proud

Xigon's eyes widened. His heart pounded faster. Pins and needles crawled down his spine. This couldn't be happening. How could it be?

Kaosaan had been trying for ages to teach him her ways, and for ages he'd denied her. He should have known there was only so long before her wisdom started seeping through the cracks. He wasn't simply breaking down, no – some horrid metamorphosis had begun.

All the torment should have ended when Kaosaan consumed Haode's soul, as she consumed all the dead. But of course it hadn't, because Kaosaan hadn't taken him.

Xigon had.

For the first time in possibly his entire life, he let out a bloodcurdling scream. Then he doubled over and vomited blackish fluid that still carried the hint of painkillers.

[4] Xigon: Chrysalis

0 Comments