Her phone rang so much in the hours after she left the hospital that she turned it off. She didn't want to talk to anyone. Not Kiel. Not Doris or Gabe. Not her mother. And especially not Zeke. She drove around Coupeville for a while hoping to clear her head, but she couldn't get the fight with Zeke out of her mind no matter how much she tried. So she went home and headed straight to her art studio, thinking maybe working on her paintings would help. But when she walked in, she sucked in a breath as more than a dozen images of gravestones surrounded her. Tears stung her eyes, and shaking, she began grabbing all of her paintings, one by one, and throwing them in the dumpster outside.

Part of her hated doing it. Of chucking away pieces she'd thought were so beautiful. But now they were just ghosts, haunting her and reminding her of a summer that had been completely fabricated. When all the paintings were in the trash, she reached for anything she could find in the studio and started throwing it around. Paint flew everywhere. Brushes snapped beneath her feet as she danced around in a rage, feeling the need to destroy. Sketches of headstones went flying around her in pieces. She stabbed half painted canvases with knives. Her fury held no bounds, and no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get it all out.

A scream ripped through her chest as she fell to the floor, her fingers brushing up against pieces of paper and splintered brushes. She dug her nails against the hard floor and sobbed. Everything inside and outside of her ached with a pain she had never faced before. A pain so raw she worried it would never go away. She had no idea how long she was lying on her studio floor, tears streaming down her cheeks until she thought her eyes would bleed. Snot slid down to her upper lip, and she brushed it away angrily. It wasn't fair. Nothing was fair. She'd never been in love before, and now she was in love with someone who, by his own admission, was probably dying. It was beyond unfair. It was cruel.

A knock sounded on the open studio door, and she didn't need to look up to know it was Kiel. He gasped when he saw the mess she'd made of the old studio, and then squatted down beside her, placing a hand on her shaking shoulder. "Emersyn," he whispered softly, and she knew by the way he said her name that Zeke had told him too. Her puffy eyes met his, and she wasn't surprised to see they matched. He gave her a tearful smile and helped get her to her feet before wrapping his arms around her, holding her tightly. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." This time he didn't say everything would be okay. Because she knew he knew it wasn't going to be. And she didn't think anything would ever be okay again.

He didn't say much of anything else, because there was nothing else to say. All he could do was hold her and let her cry, and a few times she thought she heard him shed a few tears of his own. They'd both gone through so much pain together. Her dad, her grandparents... all losses he'd felt as hard as her. And now they would most likely have to go through it all over again with Zeke. This young man they'd only known for a few months, and yet somehow he'd made them both fall in love with him. There was nothing in the world quite like the pain that only grief could cause. And so the two of them did nothing but sit in that destroyed mess of a studio and grieve together. Not just for the potential loss of Zeke, but for the losses they'd already had to suffer through.

That was the thing about grief. It never stopped. It was always there, following you around like a shadow. And no number of hours, days, weeks, months or years could make it go away. It was a permanent stain on an otherwise pristine carpet. Emersyn felt so much anger. It was so strong she could barely breathe. Could hardly think straight. Kiel walked her back into the house and to her room, where he helped her to bed. Then he mumbled some words about how she should get some rest, and that he would be back soon. And he left.

She curled into the fetal position, holding her knees to her chest and rocking. It was hard to believe, less than twenty-four hours ago, Zeke had been in that very same bed with her. She closed her eyes, trying to picture that last night with him. And she hoped, when she opened them again, he'd be lying next to her still. That the events of day would be just a terrible nightmare, and he'd hold her and tell her it was all going to be fine. That he wasn't sick and dying. And she would believe him, because he'd never given her a reason not to. She squeezed her eyes closed tightly and wished and prayed for it not to be true. And at some point, between the wishes and the prayers and the continuing cries, sleep finally took over.

***

For the next several days, she barely got out of bed. Doris and Gabe stopped by, and she heard them calling to her from outside, saying they had food for her. But she was not hungry. Avery and Axel called her several times, but she sent them to voicemail. She imagined her mom had probably gone back to the city, and she didn't feel remotely surprised. That was just like her to leave when things got hard. When Emersyn needed her the most. But this time she found she didn't care at all that her mom wasn't there. Because she didn't want anyone to be there. She didn't want to see anybody. All she wanted to do was stay in bed and sleep all day.

The only person she didn't mind seeing was Kiel. He would come to see her every day. Sometimes he would just sit on the edge of her bed in silence, and other times he would try to make conversation with her. She never talked back. It was like she didn't have the strength in her to hold a full conversation with anyone. But she appreciated his efforts all the same. It was on day seven of her hardly leaving her bed that Kiel finally brought up the topic that had been forbidden since this all began.

"Zeke is back at the house," he said, and she winced at the name. "He came back the day after he went to the hospital. And...," he hesitated, and she knew he was trying to figure out if he should tell her what he wanted to say. "Well, he's not working with me anymore." She turned and looked up at him, her eyebrows raised. "He's been spending all his time in the graveyard. Leaves early in the morning before I wake up and stays until late at night. But he hasn't found anything. And... well, he's going back to the city tonight. And he's flying out tomorrow."

She scoffed and looked away, fighting the pain she felt at the idea of him leaving the island permanently. "I don't care," she lied as she shook her head.

Kiel gave her a sympathetic smile, placing his hand against her shoulder. "Emersyn, listen to me. I love you. You know I do. More than anything in this whole world. You're like a daughter to me. And this whole thing... well, I think you're making a mistake."

She turned back to face him. "He lied to me," she growled. "I even asked if he was okay. More than once. He told me he was fine."

"Sweetie, I know," he said quickly. "But everyone makes mistakes. And I know he wants to make things right. To find his dad so he can connect with family and hopefully get the transplant he needs. And I know he loves you. I know you're the reason why he's been doing what he's been doing. But he's been falling more and more into hopelessness every day. He needs you, Emersyn. He needs you to be with him right now. He needs us both to be his family. If we love him, then we can't let him go through this alone. We have to convince him to stay. To help him find what he needs."

She hated crying. And she'd never cried as much than she had in the last several days. She turned her body away from Kiel, not even wanting to look at him. "I love you, Kiel. I do. But I need you to leave me alone."

He sucked in a breath of air, and she could tell her words had stung. "Emersyn, a long time ago I pushed someone away for lying to me about something big. She was the love of my life, and I lost her because I was too stubborn to forgive her. I've regretted it my whole life, and I know everything would've been different if I had just put away my pride and given her a second chance. And I'm afraid you're making the same mistake, honey. Please, please... can you at least talk to him?"

In her heart she knew Kiel was right. And she really did want to talk to Zeke. She had missed him so much. But there was so much anger in her heart. Anger at Zeke for lying to her. For not trusting her. Anger at the universe for putting her through so much in her nineteen years of life. "Kiel, I can't talk about this right now," she said softly as more tears stung her eyes. "I love you, but please can you go? Just leave me alone."

He sighed. Kiel was not a pushy person. But she could hear the frustration in his voice as he said, "You're going to regret this, Emersyn. I'm telling you now, you are going to lose him. And when he's gone, that's it. He's gone. He won't be able to come back. So you need to make your peace with this before you lose your chance. Because it will ruin you."

A tear slid down her cheek as he shook his head and left the room, closing the door behind him. He didn't understand anything. It was too late. Because even if she did reach out to Zeke and told him how much she loved him and that she forgave him, it wouldn't change anything. And part of her thought this was the easier option. Losing him by her own choice was better than the alternative. And that was losing him to something outside of her control. To death. She shuddered at the idea and buried herself in her blankets, shutting everything else out around her. She'd been hurt too much. It was time to close herself off entirely.

***

She fell asleep, and when she opened her eyes she could feel someone rubbing her back softly. At first she thought it was Kiel. That he'd come back to apologize for everything he'd said before. But when she opened her eyes and turned to tell him to leave her alone, she felt all the blood in her face drain when she saw her grandmother sitting at the foot of her bed. Her wrinkled hand was rubbing Emersyn's back soothingly, a kind smile playing across her pink lips. Emersyn felt her jaw drop as she sat up in bed, staring at her grandma like... well, like she was a ghost.

"My sweet Emmy," Elsie Collins whispered, her hand moving up to touch her granddaughter's long ginger red hair. Her finger brushed against Emersyn's cheek, wiping a stray tear. And it was warm and gentle. Warmer than it should've been, Emersyn thought as she sat up straighter, trying to hide her confusion.

"Grandma?" Emersyn gasped as she stared at the old woman sitting before her. Her grandma nodded her head. Her eyes filled with tears, and she threw her arms around her grandmother. "I don't understand," she said, her jaw still hanging open in surprise as her grandma squeezed her softly. "You're... you can't be here. This isn't possible."

Her grandma pulled away and made a face. "Baby, what are you talking about? I just came to wake you up. I have dinner on the table."

Now Emersyn was really confused. "D-Dinner?" she asked, wiping at her own eyes. "What... I don't... how?"

"Get up, baby," her grandma said as she stood up, ignoring her granddaughter's questions. "Come on. I made your favorite. Spinach and artichoke mac and cheese. Let's go eat before it gets cold."

Her grandma walked out of the bedroom, leaving Emersyn still sitting, stunned, on her bed. But she was afraid if she didn't follow her grandma that she would be gone again. So she jumped out of bed and ran out of the room, practically tripping over her own feet in her attempt to catch up. The old woman was fast though, and Emersyn was surprised to see she was already in the kitchen, plating up some mac and cheese for the both of them. Emersyn shook her head, thinking she had finally lost her mind, before joining her grandma at the kitchen table.

Elsie ate the mac and cheese like nothing was wrong. And for a moment Emersyn wondered if maybe the last several years had been one long nightmare. Maybe her grandma had never gotten sick. Maybe she'd never left the island. Was she really fourteen again? She didn't feel fourteen, she thought to herself as she stared at her grandma, eyes wide with confusion. Her grandma was halfway done with her plate when she noticed her granddaughter wasn't eating. "Baby, what's wrong? You're not hungry?"

She took a bite of the mac and cheese, allowing the gooey cheese to fill her mouth, the taste of the artichokes tangy on her tongue. It was just like how her grandma had always made it. She'd never been able to get the recipe just right, but this... this was perfect. Exactly how her grandma had always cooked it. She ate the meal until there was nothing left, and then watched as her grandma refilled her plate. Halfway through her second serving, she felt her stomach tighten with that familiar sense of fullness that always came after a good meal. She slid her plate forward just a hair, indicating she was done.

"That was delicious, grandma," she said, a bright smile on her face. It was the first time she'd smiled in days, and it felt good. "Thank you."

"Of course," Elsie said, grinning. "Anything for my Emmy. And now that you've eaten, I think it's a good time to have a little talk. Don't you think?"

Emersyn tilted her head to the side, confused. "Talk about what?"

Her grandma grabbed a napkin and dabbed at her lips. Then she set it down, heaved a deep sigh, and said, "About letting go of the past and looking toward the future." Emersyn blinked, not quite following what her grandma was saying. "Honey, you have been dwelling on some dark things for far too long. And it is ruining you. You have got to learn to let things go and move on. To face the future with your head held high. Because this lying in bed nonsense is not going to cut it for anyone. You are going to lose everything if you don't get it together."

She felt like her past and her present were all mixing together in this moment, and nothing made sense. "Are you talking about Zeke?" she asked, hoping for some clarity. Her grandma nodded, and Emersyn suddenly felt cold. "I can't talk about him right now, grandma. I'm sorry."

Her grandma sighed again. "Baby, if you can't talk about him with me, then who else are you going to talk about him with? Now, I came back here to try and talk some sense into you. Your uncle is doing his best, that much is clear. But darlin', you are so dang stubborn. You just don't want to listen to reason."

Emersyn shook her head. "You just don't understand," she said.

Her grandma reached forward and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tenderly within her own. Emersyn's eyes found hers, and they were so much like her own. Forest green, with that same creative twinkle she saw every time she looked in the mirror. "I don't think you even understand it, Emmy," she said softly.

Once again, Emersyn felt the tears burn her eyes, the lump filling her throat. "I'm afraid of losing him," she cried, a tear falling from her eye. She swiped at it angrily, hating herself for the way she felt. "I'm not mad at him for keeping the secret. I'm mad that he had a secret to keep. I'm mad that I'm going to lose someone else. I can't take it. I just feel so lost. Tell me, what am I supposed to do?"

Her grandma stared at her in silence for several moments as Emersyn sobbed, covering her face with her hands. Everything she'd said was true. She didn't hate Zeke. She hated loss. Grief. If he died, she didn't know if she would ever be able to move on. It had been hard enough surviving life without her dad and grandparents. But surviving without him? She loved him so much. She needed him.

"Baby girl," her grandma said, and Emersyn felt her tuck a loose strand of her red hair behind her ear before pulling her hands away from her face. "Let me tell you what you're going to do, okay? You are going to get out of bed, throw on some clothes, and go to the graveyard. That meteor shower is tonight, remember? And I know your daddy would love to watch it with you. It might be a bit cloudy at first, but just give it time. Things will brighten up, and you'll be able to see it all. Trust me."

Emersyn nodded her head, even though she didn't quite understand. But she had never disobeyed her grandmother before, and she certainly wasn't about to start now. She got to her feet and watched as her grandma followed suit. The two women stared at each other in silence for a few moments. And then Emersyn took a breath and said the words she'd been desperate to say for over a year now. "Thank you for everything you did. For the house and taking care of me my whole life. I'm sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye when you died."

Her grandma's lips curved up as she took a few steps closer to her granddaughter, wrapping her arms around her and holding her in a loving embrace. "Emmy, baby, let me tell you a secret," she said softly. Emersyn felt her grandma press her lips close to her ear, and she whispered something that she swore to take with her for the rest of her life. To hold it close to her like a talisman, protecting her on her darkest days. "There's no such thing as goodbye."

Chapter Thirty-Five

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